Finding {THE REAL} me...

signs...

2011-06-29T00:33:00.000-07:00

So those of you who know me know this history, but for new friends that have come by, this is a little background...in 2006, my sister Denise passed away. In 2008, my Mom and a year ago Sunday, my Daddy went to be with them also.
I have been very rstless the last couple of weeks because the next couple of months I have a lot of important dates to get through, birthdays and such, of people no longer with me. Combine that with the fact that I have the ashes of 3 people to disperse, as per their wishes, but have found myself unwilling to let go. The original plan was to disperse the ashes this year on the 1 year anniversary of Daddy's death, but I got so upset, I decided not to do it.
Sunday morning, Hubby and I were both up and awake at 5:30 in the morning. We decided to take a drive down to Redondo Beach. It was very spur-of-the-moment. I love the beach there...it calms me down...I feel like I can take a deep breathe and let go...like the ocean breeze is breathing new life into me. We got there by 8:30-8:45 AM. The pier at Redondo is a horseshoe, so we started up the left side, the only business open was the food shack so we got some Hot Chocolate and walked to the end of the pier. You can fish off of the left side of the pier, so we watched the people fishing for a while and then walked a little more to the right and found a bench. I could sit there forever, watching the sailboats in the water, listening to the sea gulls and the sea lions talking, hearing the bell of the buoy. I saw something in the water infront of us and got up and walked to the rail to get a better look. All of a sudden, 2 dolphins jump up out of the water. I was amazed. All the times we've gone there, I have only seen a dolphin once or twice and never two. I thought to myself, wouldn't it be cool if there were another one and it could be a sign that my 3 angels are together and I could let go. As soon as I thought it, there they were again, with a littler dolphin. 3 Dolphins right there in front of us. Then, they were gone. I looked at Hubby and said it's a sign.

I really believe, deep in my heart, that God put those dolphins there for a reason. If you know me well, you know that i love and collect dolphins, so they have a special meaning for me. I wish I could describe the sense of peace that I felt after seeing those dolphins. It was a sense of stillnes and warmth and a calmness of my soul. They are together, they are happy, and they are near.
Let me say this...I am a christain, I believe in God, I pray, I try to be compassionate to people. I KNOW that my Loved ones are in Heaven with their Maker. I also feel like God knows when we need a little nudge to renew our faith or just give us a little hope. I am taking this as a sign that they are together, happy and well and that it is time for me to be at peace with it and start to move on and live again. That doesn't mean I will ever forget them, cause that will never happen...and it doesn't mean I have to be happy with it, cause I'm not. It just means that I have accepted it. It just means that at last, for the first time since November of 2006 I feel some peace. I feel some real hope that I can move past this and get on with living, that I can finally start to think of them with joy instead of this overwhelming sadness.

.

I have actually done some scrapbooking!!!!

2011-05-25T21:49:00.000-07:00

I know it's hard to believe...first 2 posts 2 days in a row...and I actually created something!! My BFF's (my cousin and her daughter) have started getting together once a week for a "crafting" day. Tomorrow will be week 4. I love it. I get to see the girls, the kids get to play and we get to create and chat and have fun. It has been really nice and I hope we are starting a new tradition!! I thought I would show you some of the pages I have done.

This is Rosie playing with bubbles...

This is her Daddy and Me page...

This is her first trip to Disney...

With her Grandpa...

and with Great Grandpa before he passed...

So tomorrow we're off again and I'll have more pages to post later...

Thankful...

2011-05-24T23:39:00.000-07:00

Please pray for all the people affected by the tornados in the mid-west...I can not imagine what they are living through out there. Makes me very grateful and thankful that my family is safe and sound tonight and I realize that I may have problems, but they are very, very small compared to what these poor people are having to deal with...

(picture added from ABC news.)

Growing up...

2011-04-08T22:04:00.000-07:00

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."
~~E.E. Cummings

I saw this quote the other day and it really resonated with me. I think when we are kids, you just assume that at a certain age...18 or 21 or 23...you are automatically "grown up" and all of a sudden, you will start acting and thinking as an adult. You will know what your purpose is, how your life will turn out, what you will contribute to society. I am 45 years old and I am admitting publically that I have never had that kind of clarity. I remember in high school, people asking "what do you want to be?" or "What are you gonna study in college?". I NEVER knew the answer to those questions. I had no idea what kind of career I wanted, where my passions lay, how I was gonna take care of myself. I have to admit, it scared me, not having any answers.
At this stage of my life, you would think I'd have answers. I do not. And I need to find some. At 18, I thought I was supposed to be a wife. So I got married. 27 years later...I'm not such a good wife. At 20 I thought I was supposed to be a Mom. So I had my wonderful son. I am a good Mom...but my son is 25 and a Daddy himself. Not much to do on my end. At 25 I thought I was supposed to be a manager. So I accepted a unit manager job at my place of business. At first I was a good manager, but years and years of 60-65 hour work weeks, never seeing my family, and the stress of being on-call 24/7 really got to me. So after being on disability for a year, I quit. The thought of going back into that stressful environment made me cry...literally. So...here we are. I am 45 yrs old and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I don't know who I really am...and I am not convinced I have the required courage it will take to find out.
Trying to find out who I am would not only affect me, but those around me. I'm not sure I am willing to reek that kind of havok on my family. OK, let's be honest...we are really only talking about one person here. My hubby. He is exacting and demanding and set in his ways. He sees and treats me like a child and for years i let him. It was reassuring and I didn't have to make decisions about anything. He handled it all. And I liked that...then. Now I just feel smouthered. I feel like he sucks all of the air out of me. I hate feeling this way. I also feel like it's not fair to change the rules in the middle of the game, per say. It would throw him into a tailspin to start making changes. I think if I were more happy with myself, then I would be more happy in the relationship.
So I guess that all I need to figure out is how to become who I really am, find the courage to make that a reality, and try to do it as painlessly as possible.
Oh...that's all...

Sunday Morning

2011-04-03T07:25:00.000-07:00

So it's Sunday Morning...way to early for me to be up, but seeing as I slept all day yesterday, I can understand why my body said enough with the sleep. I got sick again Friday night...but thankfully it seemes to have been a 24 hr. bug. I feel great this morning.

I've been trying to figure out how I'm gonna spend my day here...it's supposed to be cloudy and a little cold here and Hubby is still in Oakland for work. My Son and his family went to Disneyland yesterday and stayed till closing, so I don't expect to hear from them until later today, if at all. So, I will be here all by myself.

The first thing I have to do is clean up a little. The front room and the kitchen are a disaster. Then I need to go run some errands. Then hopefully, I will have all afternoon to play with the goodies I just got yesterday from Christy Tomlinson's shop. I bought some stamps, some rub-ons, some great tissue paper, and paper pad, and some lace.

I really love her class She Art Workshop and can't wait for the art journaling class that starts in May.

So I guess I will get off here and start getting ready for my day. Hope you all have a great productive Sunday...

The cross on Mt. Roubidoux, Riverside, California

something new...

2011-03-30T13:29:00.000-07:00

Well, I know it's been a while...but hopefully it was worth the wait...I finally have some new art to post. I signed up for Christy Tomlinson's She Art Workshop and then promptly became really sick. The workshop lasted 3 weeks and I missed it all. Luckily she is leaving the videos up for 3 months so I can still catch up. This week I watched week one videos. I didn't go really crazy on the background as she shows for two reason. One: I was really conservative on the rub ons and stamps I bought, not knowing how easy they would be to use. Two: I was scared to over do it. So, I have ordered some more rub ons and stamps because I love using them. I'm still afaid to over do it, but if I do, oh well...
So this is what I created. It is in honor of my sister, Denise. She loved butterflies, ladybugs and the color purple. I like it, although it doesn't feel quite "finished".

This is the far view...

This is the close-up view...

I have many ideas for more girls...I need to buy more canvases!!

sick

2011-03-09T23:35:00.000-08:00

To all my blogger friends...I am still here...I am just very sick. It started as a sinus infection that had made it's way down into my jaw, so the whole left side of my face is KILING me. My ear hurts, my teeth hurt, my throat huts. Now the Dr. thinks I have pnuemonia. I can barely breathe and I am hacking up a lung. I got some meds, so hopefully I'll start feeling better in a day or two.

UUURRRGGGHHH

2011-02-13T11:43:00.000-08:00

I was going to post a blog about my week...lots of pics and good stuff...

and blogger ate my post.

Now Hubby is in here bugging me about stupid things...

so I can not re-write the post right now...

Hopefully I have some free time tonight and can redo it...

sometimes I strongly dislike blogger...

bored

2011-02-06T16:06:00.000-08:00

I think I may be the only person I know that is not interested in the Super Bowl...I never understood football and at this point in my life...I'm OK with that!! LOL...So I am sitting here bored because everyone I know is either watching the game, went out for the game, or is throwing a party for the game.
This week has been LONG.....The big news is we got the final paperwork for the house, so tomorrow I am off to have everything notorized and hopefully this time next week...Scott and Tina will be the official owners of the house in Fullerton. I really feel OK with this...it is after all the best case scenario, but I am sad too. I have had dreams about my Daddy now 3 nights in a row. I don't know if he is trying to tell me something, or if it is just because we are moving forward with the sale.
I will be posting some pics tomorrow...I went to the antique mall we have here in Riverside and found some special things...a horse figure for Hubby, a porcelian birdie for me and an old children's art book that I think I'm gonna use for an art journal. It has some wonderful pages of art I think I can incorporate into my style. (If I have a style...I don't think I do actually...)
ANYWAY...I have a suitcase to pack...Hubby is going away for a least a week for work, maybe longer...(please, please. please...) We need a vacation away from each other!!!!!! I've always thought if he were a long distance trucker, we'd have the perfect relationship, LOLOLOLOL!!!

Weekend

2011-01-28T23:19:00.000-08:00

So, it's the weekend...I have no plans...I have heard it might rain?? I'm gonna have to check out the Weather channel.

If it doesn't rain, I get to wash clothes...I know, exciting, right??

I'm also thinking of doing a thrift shop run...I would love to do an art journal out of an old book...

see what kind of treasures I can find...

I LOVE thrift shops!!

We used to have an awesome one here in Riverside, but they closed down...

there are others, buy they're not as good, lol...

Also wanted to post some photos.

I finished a lot of the creative work of Soul Restoration and thought I would share some of the pages.

This is an awesome course...Melody is offering another session in April, I believe...

If you feel the need to find the REAL you...click on the badge and check it out!!

You do not have to be crafty...all of these creative projects can be done very simply.

This is a Truth Card...when I am feeling down or discouraged, these are to remind us we are loved.

This is another Truth Card

This is my Truth Teller...that little voice that knows whats wrong and right

in our lives...we need to listen more.

These are the qualities of my Truth Teller...I have chosen my Mother to be my Truth Teller.

That is the person who knows you the most, loves you the most, and only wants

what is best for you. I can hear my Mom telling these things to me...

So that's it for now...Today was my sister's 39th birthday...I know they are having a celebration in Heaven!!

I am working on a art journal page for her...hopefully I'll have it done by Monday!

Still here...

2011-01-25T13:08:00.000-08:00

Just a quick note to say I'm still here...just a lot of life right now going on...trying to finish up on the house in fullerton...paperwork and stuff...so we can transfer title to Scott and Tina...cleaning up here in my little disaster of a house...working on Soul Restoration...so glad I am taking this class...I'll be back with a new post and pictures soon!!

Alone

2011-01-15T21:56:00.000-08:00

I don't know why, but i am feeling very alone tonight. Maybe because when I felt like this before, I could call my Mom and she would get me through it.

I wish I had some really good close friends.

I have one...and as much as I love her, sometimes it's not enough.

Sometimes I feel like we are very far apart in the way we see life and things in general. She is also very "me" oriented sometimes, I don't think she means it, but sometimes, it's annoying.

Sometimes I want people to think about me, without having to tell them.

I don't know...sometimes I'm pretty sure I'm losing it...

stalling...

2011-01-13T21:03:00.000-08:00

My journal came yesterday from Amazon and it NOTHING like I thought it was. I went back and looked at the description and the picture they show is not what I got. They told me to send it back and they'll pay shipping. I have decided to just use a spiral notebook I have here at the house. I was thinking about it and I am REALLY new to art journaling. I think I will be more comfortable just writing out the prompts and my responses and not worry about using paints and things. If I want to decorate the pages, I can use colored pencils or markers or stickers or whatever!! It is all good.
I think I was making such a big deal out of the journal because I was scared to start...after all, that is the meat of the project...getting inside your head and your heart and fixing all the negative thoughts. It terrifies me!!! I know it must be done...so I will suck it up and I commit to writing 2 journaling prompts tonight before I go to bed...

My journal

2011-01-12T16:36:00.000-08:00

Well...it turns out I can share some pictures about my Soul Restoration journal.

This is the cover of my journal. I wanted something simple that i wouldn't have to worry about coming off, so I remembered this little bird from Donna Downey that I ordered like 2 years ago. It is a minor miracle that I remembered where it was in the desk.

I am enjoying the class so far. The general jist is to get rid of all the crap in your head that brings you down. Melody is very clear in her presentations and so far I have understood how to do everything we need to do.

I haven't done any of the writing in my personal journal yet...it's not here yet. It is supposed to be delivered today...but it's almost 5 pm and nothing yet.

Creative Every Day

2011-01-11T16:00:00.000-08:00

Here is my creative every day journal page for this week...my One Little Word for 2011 is BELIEVE.

I journaled about the things I need to believe about myself...

I really like the way this one turned out...

I used a watercolor wash of red and purple for a background. I found stamp at Mike's with my word on it and stamped it using acrylic paint. Used the same paint with a stencil for the top of the page. My girl is from a Papyrus Card. I used white gel pens and sharpie pens for the doodles and writing.
I have decided to probably do one project a week. It takes me 2-3 days to do a journal page so I can get at least one page done...

As for Soul Restoration...I will not be sharing a lot of pictures and info here after all. A lot of the information is copywrited and after watching a couple of the videos it has been mentioned and I am seeing the truth to the fact that this information is very personal. It is for me to learn and grow from and that is a private matter...between me and me...

Today is the day...

2011-01-11T10:26:00.000-08:00

Today is the start of Soul Restoration. I am so excited to start!! I got my login info but I'm going to wait just a little before I check out the site...I'm sure there was a big rush of people logging in at 11:11 am...don't want to crash the site,lol...

I also realized that I forgot to buy the index cards...silly me. I'm gonna scrounge around here and see what I can find to use as a replacement...I have so much stuff there has to be something I can use, lol.

I went to Michaels yesterday and bought a few more supplies...a couple more bottles of paint, some brushes, some embellishments, some white sharpie paint pens for journaling.

I'll be back after I check out the site and let you know how it is going...

Restoring my soul...

2011-01-07T10:55:00.000-08:00

Starting on January 11th...I will participating in an online class called

"SOUL RESTORATION"

It is taught by Melody Ross from Brave Girls.

I am soo excited for this to start. I have already met some wonderful women who will also be taking the class and my wonderfully talented friend, Bonnie Rose is also taking it.

The main reason I signed up was the promise to find myself again.

We are all defined by our circumstances. As women we are "wife, mother, daughter, sister, boss, employee,married, widowed, divorced, etc."

I have been all of these things. (except the last two...)

Now I am" in mourning. "

My soul is tired of this. I have been "in mourning" for 4 years.

Some people think that i am not giving my Daddy the respect he desrves because I am ready to move on and it has only been 6 months since he passed.

I have NOTHING but respect for my Father.

I feel like I can move on because I know he is happy again, he is with my sister and my Mother and his mother.

The year and a half that he was here without my mother was soo terribly hard on him. He had lost his soulmate, his heart, his reason for living. I understand that.

They are together and it is time for me to move on.

My Mother would LOVE that I am taking this course. She always supported us in any artistic endevour (sp) we undertook. My Mother was great at stuff like that. She could sew, paint, knit, crochet, quilt, and loved plactic canvas. She taught me how to embroider and cross stich.

I love all the labels I have...Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sisiter...

I just want to add another one...

EVELYN.

ME.

Believe

2011-01-05T09:36:00.000-08:00

A lot of people do this thing where they pick a word and use it as their MANTRA all through the new year. I had heard of this, but never practiced it.

This year I wanted to try it.

I played with Authentic...meaning I wanted to lead an AUTHENTIC life, being true to who I really am.

The trouble with that one is...I don't KNOW who I am right now...

Then I tried LIVE...as in TO LIVE.

I have been in mourning for so long, I felt like I wasn't really living anymore.

But, it just didn't seem to flow very well.

The word that keeps coming to mind is

BELIEVE...

I want to believe so many things...I NEED to believe so many things.

1) My Angel family are togother and happy

2) God has a purpose...even if I can't see it.

3)I CAN get my life back to some semblence of normal.

4)I have a purpose...even if I can't see it.

5) There IS light at the end of this tunnel.

So my word is BELIEVE.

BELIEVE.

The power of music

2011-01-05T00:15:00.000-08:00

I have new music on the blog...I LOVE music. I can listen to almost anything, my tastes are very ecclectic. I love 70's (my decade, lol), love 80's, love old country, just everything. On my ipod I have so many different artists:Johnny Cash, ELO, Seether, Glen Miller, Justin Timberlake, Merle Haggard, Pink, Kelly Clarkson, Journey, STYX, INXS, Glen Cambell, AC/DC...so many others...I love rock...music that can make me move and scream at the top of my lungs. I love country...where I can sing and cry a little. I love rap...where I can just laugh cause I can't keep up with the words. I love big bands where I can just listen and imagine another world. What I love the most are the 80's arena bands. Especially STYX!!! God, I played Cornerstone and Paradise Theater until the grooves on the records were run down. (YES...I said RECORDS!!!)
When I start looking for music to download, I always think of STYX. When Paradise Theater came out, I was starting my first year of high school. At the 1st pep rally, the cheerleaders danced to Best Of Times. I can't tell you how much I loved this abulm. My sister, Denise was about 8 at the time. She HATED this abulm. We had to share a bedroom and since I was the oldest, the record player was MY possesion. I played this record 10 times a night. When my parents weren't home?? FULL BLAST! Let's just say that we fought about that record all the time. She even tried to throw it away one time...
Fast-forward about 15 years. I was at Fullerton spending a Sunday afternoon visiting and my Mom decided she wanted some KFC. Denise and myself volunteered to go get it and we went in her van. We are driving down the street and I start looking at her cd collection. She had the usual stuff that she liked, some rap, some christian rock, a couple of movie soundtracks...and there in the very back of the cd wallet...Paradise Theater by STYX!!! I couldn't believe it. When I asked her about it, she said simply,"I grew to like it because you liked it so much..." Believe it or not, that is one of my best memories of us. It amazed me that I had influenced her taste in music in some small way. When she passed, that was one of things I had to have, her cd of Paradise Theater. When I play it now, I feel a special connection to her. That is the power of music. It transforms you to another time or place, bringing back memories that are so special.

Creative Every Day

2011-01-03T12:37:00.000-08:00

So the start of the new year has been a crazy one!! This weekend was very hectic, but now Monday has returned and so has the routine...

Here are the pics for Creative Every Day...

This is Jan. 1st. I did a background of watercolors, used some white gesso to make a pattern and added a graphic from The Graphic's Fairy website. Had to stop there to let everything dry.

This was how I finished it on Jan. 2nd. Wrote down my commitments for this year...and added some color to some of the pattern. I also Mod Podged the graphic down.

In all honesty, I'm not really happy with it, but it's because to me, it looks like a kid could have done it.

Then I remember, I have only been using some of these tecniques for a very short time, less than 2 months...so in a way, I am a kid when it comes to this.

The journal is to practce in and learn, so I guess it's OK.

I also do most of my painting late at night, so I might get a bit sloppy at times...

A new year...

2011-01-01T17:45:00.000-08:00

Just want to wish all my peeps a happy new year!!!

I should have pics tomorrow of my 1st art journal everyday and creative everyday entry.

(just waiting for it to dry...)

Challenges...

2011-01-01T14:27:00.000-08:00

This year I want to create more art. Art journaling, watercolors, and some canvas. I need to just let myself go and DO IT!! I get stuck on how should it look or it won’t be good enough. I need to gag my inner critic and just start creating. That is one of the reasons I joined a couple of challenges. To get me into action. I know that not everything i do is gonna be a masterpiece, but nothing will be if I don't JUST DO IT!!

Another Christmas...

2010-12-28T14:22:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone had a great Christmas. Mine was very nice. Christmas Eve was spent baking chocolate chip cookies, making tamales, cleaning the house and getting ready for Christmas day.

Christmas morning, I got up at 5:30...I guess the excitement for the day to begin never really goes away. I spent a few moments in prayer, thanking God for his Son, Saying "hello" to my family, telling them how much I missed them but how I was glad they were together and giving thanks for my many blessings.

This year has been hard. Horribly hard. The kind of hard I didn't think I could live thru.

BUT I DID.

I'm not sure what all of this was supposed to teach me yet, but I am on a mission to find out.

My little family arrived about 11:30. We had a brunch of tamales and homemade green salsa, homemade corn and blueberry muffins, cookies, and little fresh mandarin oranges.

Everything was YUMMY, if I do say so myself...

We went to my niece's home at 1:00 pm. Sat and talked with the family, watched the Laker's get CREAMED...the male members of the family were not happy...then we ate dinner.

Joanna had fixed ham, tamales, macaroni salad, potato salad, apples, cucumbers, and baked beans. I made sweet potatos and Bobbi Sue made deviled eggs.

IT WAS DELICIOUS!!!!

I was pretty good food-wise. I had a little of everything...and did not eat till stuffed...

Then we opened presents...everyone made out very well. We recieved picture frames, a calender with angels on it, and a gift card to chilis.

Then we came back home and opened our presents...

again, I was very blessed...

Hubby got me diamond earrings, an electronic sudoku game, and a jewelry box. My son and DIL got me a toaster oven and a digital picture frame. My baby Rosie got me a dolphin bracelet and "Drop Dead Diva" on dvd.

Now by time we were done it was like 11:00pm. Baby Rosie was sitting in her new Mickey Mouse chair and was over the present thing...haha. She just wanted to go to sleep...poor baby...

Reading this back, it seems so very hectic, but it really wasn't. We just did things as they came, there was no rush. We did get a little concerned that Rosie would fall asleep, but she was a trooper...she held up till the end.

All in all, it was a very nice day...it was nice to spend time with family, to remember those who weren't with us for one reason or another, (trips, other obligations, etc.) and watch the kids and their excitement...it was just what the DR. ordered.

I Hope your celebrations were just as happy and blessed as ours...

It's begining to look a lot (little) like Christmas...

2010-12-14T21:05:00.000-08:00

This is my creativity for today...we started putting the outside lights up...I know it looks a little bare. It took us forever to figure out which box the lights were in, and then it got dark and cold really fast...

Rosie was a little scared of Mickey. That really surprised me...I thought she'd love it. Maybe it just takes some getting used too...

There will be more pictures as we finish up...still have to put out my penquins and my wreath...

then it is on to the Christmas tree...

a new me and a new blog...

2010-12-13T13:27:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about things, my life, my purpose, my beliefs...I suppose it is natural, another New year is close upon us...that wonderful time of year where you inspect every fine detail of your life over the last year, decide you are a useless human being, and make all kinds of grand commitments for the New year.

I have decided that this year, that will not be me!!

The year that I lived, 2010, was exactly the way I was supposed to live it.

I mean, it had to be, right??

All the desicions were mine, all the actions or inactions were my decisions. The choice to not exercise and make an attempt to get healthier was mine. The choice to not go back to work was mine. Participating in AEDM in November was my decision. The choice to take my Father off of the respirator was mine. The choice to surround myself with the people I do is mine.

I EXCEPT THOSE DECISIONS...

Now is the time to look ahead...2011...the thing about 2010 is...I had to make decisions. Anyone who knows me well knows that is not my strong point. I did not want to be held responsible for the fallout of my decisions, so I didn't make any...problem solved...

2011 will be a better year because I can now make a decision and accept the consequences...good or bad. AEDM showed me a lot. It helped me get my inner-artist moving again, but more importantly, it showed me I can make a commitment and stick to that commitment.

I have decided to make a commitment to 3 things this year.

1) I will make a commitment to eating healthier and getting in some type of exercise 5 out of 7 days this year. I know I can do this. I've done it before. Now I am making a commitment to do this. I want to be around for a few more years and there are things I want to do. I want to go to Disneyland with my Granddaughter. I want to go to a Brave Girls camp. I want to visit my Aunts in Kentucky and Indiana and family that i still have in Detroit. What is the point of living, if you are so sick and overweight that you can't leave the house???

2) I am making a commitment to Creative Every Day. This is the big sister to AEDM. I am making a commitment to do something creative 4 out of 7 days. I know I can't do it 365 days a year, that kind of pressure would kill me...but this I can handle. I want to practice and develop more artistic skills. I feel so much calmer when I am creating, and I love seeing the completed pieces. I'm sure to many they are silly, but to me, they are amazing because often I am suprised that I could do that.

3)My third commitment is to be a better person. The last couple of years have been very hard on me. I counted the other day and I have lost 7 very close family members since 2006, including my Sister, Mom, and Dad. I realize that i am not the only person going through loss like this, but for me, this was almost too much to handle. I'm not going to lie anymore...it has been damn hard...there was more than one occasion that I was ready to chuck it all in and join my family. I have never said this outloud to anyone, but there were two very specific occasions where I wanted to and was ready to die. I didn't want to be here, in this life, in this reality, anymore. In my own personal misery, I let friendships go. I let favorite charities go. I let family members go. I couldn't be bothered. I was mad and scared. I didn't want to give my all to anything. Sometimes I couldn't...other times I wouldn't. I figured if I kept everything inside, bottled up, I couldn't get hurt anymore.

All that did was make me a mean, cynical, selfish person to be around. I don't want to be like that anymore. It really isn't my nature, and being mad all the time is tiring!!! Im never realized how much energy it takes to be mad.

So, those are my commitments. Given that i am going to be changing some major things in my life, I thought it would be a good time to change the look of the blog. On January 1st, my blog will have a new name, something more positive for the new year, and hopefully a new look if I can figure out the templates, LOL...

I am looking forward to the next 12 months and I am excited to start taking my life back...I really hope my 3 or 4 readers will continue with me. It should be interesting!!

this and that

2010-12-11T04:11:00.000-08:00

it is 4 am and I can't sleep...what else is new?? My Mother used to have this problem, it never occured to me it could be heriditary. During the week, I get by cause I can sleep a little later or take a nap if I have too...not so on the weekends...normally I would get out my sketchbook and watercolors, but with all the holiday preperation, I don't have room.
I haven't had time all week to do anything art wise and I can feel it. It is amazing how much it relaxes you and calms all the craziness going around in your head. I need to make some time this week to get something in...
The house in Fullerton, for all intents and purposes, is sold. I got the contract from Bill and we will send a copy to the Foley's tomorrow for approval. The bank wouldn't give me a payoff number over the phone, of course, but will mail it out, so once I have that we can sign the paperwork and be done. Maybe that's why I can't sleep. I love that house so much...but it really didn't make any sense to keep it...Scott and Tina will take care of it and I know that. Maybe give it to one of their girls when she gets married. It is a great little house for raising a family.
We had a good night tonight...Hector and Kimberly and Rosie came over after they went and got Christmas pictures taken. They are so cute...

My beautiful little family...we ate some pizza and hot wings, watched some tv, and had a good time. I love nights like that.
Well, I guess I'll try to sleep again...it's too late to take a sleeping pill, so some warm milk will have to do...

December 1st...

2010-12-01T10:37:00.000-08:00

Today is December 1st.

For 40 years this was my favorite month of all. Better than June when school let out...better than September when it was my birthday...better than April, when it was Easter.

December was Christmas month!!!

My Mother LOVED Christmas and that was passed down to us girls. She would decorate the whole house, bake cookies and pies for days, and she always wanted a big, fresh tree...until it became too much for her.

She loved to buy presents. She would always kinda go crazy in that dept. She justified by saying that giving was much better than recieving...and she was soo right!

Things she didn't like? Only two...

putting the lights on the tree...every years, at some point, she would be cussing that tree up a storm. It got to be that the eventual meltdown was as much a tradition as anything else.

(I have never claimed my Mother was a saint...)

The other was wrapping. She was so good at it, but hated doing it. She liked the idea of a beautiful package being presented to a loved one...than to have the paper ripped off in 3 seconds flat...

I am trying to get my love for December back...the crispness of the air, the joy of giving, the smell of wonderful things baking, the excitement in kids eyes, the anticipation of good things to come, the general goodwill of people that I always desperately wish would last all year, but is usually gone by January 2nd.

I'm trying, I really am...but if I go off the radar, or stop talking, it just means that things have gotten to be too much. I hope that won't happen, I feel the Christmas spirit trying to come out and I will do all I can to let it flow...

AEDM-Day 30

2010-11-30T05:16:00.000-08:00

This is the last day of Art Every Day month. I just want to say that I have had a wonderful time making art every day, and meeting such new and varied artists.

I am sad to see the month end...

But, on the bright side, I have made some new friends, I have learned new tecniques, and mostly, I have learned that it is OK to put myself out there and try new things...even if they don't turn out so well...

Today i did two drawing with colored pencils...(just couldn't sleep...)

This one is a different version of what I did last week...I am MUCH happier with this one.

Again, the theme is "not yet..." and the balloons represent my family who have passed away.

This one is "fish out of water" because when I started this challenge, that is how I felt.

Everyone here is soo talented, and I felt totally out of my element.

Now, while I know I'm not the next Georgia O'Keefe, I do know that my art is important, that my art matters, and that know one will judge me harshly for putting out there what is in my heart.

Thank you Leah for the wonderful learning experience...if you do creative every day in 2011, I might have to join up...

AEDM-day 29-just a little sketch

2010-11-29T10:59:00.000-08:00

I've been watching some online videos on how to draw or sketch things because I am really bad at it...I know what I want the sketch to look like in my mind, but when I try to put it down on paper, my lack of talent poses a huge problem, hahaha...

This is my attempt on sketching a litttle gitl. The advice was to keep to simple shapes, fiddle with the proportions of things, either too big or too small, so people know that you are making something up and not trying to copy an acual person.

I call her "Girl with curly hair". I have to admit, the part that gave me the most trouble was the hair...curly just seemed the easiest way to go, but I wanted pony tails. Something else i will have to practice, lol...

AEDM---I'm behind...:(

2010-11-28T18:58:00.000-08:00

How was everyone's Thanksgiving?? Good, I hope. Mine was very nice, full of good food and family. I made dinner which I haven't done in a couple of years, and I found that I actually missed it. We had turkey, sweet potatos, mashed potatos, green beans, mac n cheese, and corn. We gave thanks for our many blessings and sent out love to those who have passed on.

So, in all of the celebrating this weekend, I only did 2 art pieces. I'm not really in love with either one, I'm thinking some tweeking is needed, but the idea is to create something, and I did, so that's a plus...

The first one I did Thanksgiving night after my son and family went home. I took some pictures of fall leaves I got from Photobucket and glued them down, then just did some doodling. I used a stencil to make the x marks and used colored pencils for the doodles.

This is a doodle of an idea I had, but I don't like the way it turned out...I like the idea, so i will try again. The 3 hearts together represent my parents and sister who have passed on. Down in the corner is me, being held onto by my granddaughter, cause it is not time for me to be with them yet.

Anyway...that is what I've been up to...can't wait to see what everyone else has done...

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T14:42:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to tell all my new buddies Happy Thanksgiving.

I thought this year would be a little hard, having just lost my Daddy this past june, but I am doing surprisingly well. I know they are having a great Thanksgiving in Heaven, and I also know that one day i will see them again.I wanted to take time to list what I am thankful for:

1) My Hubby, Son, DIL, Granddaughter, my Kiki and her family, My cousins Ron O., Donnie and Bobbi and their families. You have kept me sane these last couple of years.

2) My online friends: Lori, Jilly, Bonnie Rose and the other wonderful people I've met on FB, AEDM, and the Grattitude challenge...you've helped me in a very hard time...I hope we can meet one day in person...

3) all of my friends, past co-workers, and distant family I have been able to reconnect with...I love you all.

Finally, my renewed faith in God and his divine guidance...I'm not going to get all preachy, but let's just say that my faith was lost after Denise passed, but, while I still don't understand, I have come to accept that I'm not supposed too. He won't lead you to it if He can't get you through it...

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

AEDM pages 22-23~~The PICTURES!!!

2010-11-24T06:09:00.000-08:00

Here are the pictures of my art journal that Blogger wouldn't let me upload last night...

First 2 pics are the pages after a watercolor wash...then I tried to add some sparkle with glitter paint and a stencil...then I just used the stencil brush to add some dots...

the second two pics are the finished pages. Used Mod Podge to adhere the pics and emphemera to the 2 pages. I used one of Denise's achievement awards from high school, a award of completion from Vacation Bible school, a flower she made in the 5th grade and a letter my Mom wrote her in a book she gave her for Christmas one year.

Then I added some blue watercolor dots and let them run a little bit.

I think my next art journal will need to have bigger pages...the ones in this book are 5x7 and I find them a litttle restrictive.

AEDM--days 22 and 23

2010-11-23T23:04:00.000-08:00

4 years ago yesterday, my beautiful, funny sister Denise passed away. She was 34. I wanted to honor her memory yesterday, so I started a 2-page art journal yesterday for her.

Unfortunately, blogger won't let me upload the pictures here to show you...I will try again in the morning.

Just wanted you all to know that I am still here and working...just technology getting in the way...

a little rant...

2010-11-19T08:23:00.000-08:00

In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.

Robert Anderson

This is where I'm at today...I'm not going to go into a lot of details, but sufice it to say that today looking for "grounds for marriage" is going to be a little difficult. I know that all couples have their ups and downs, and I'm not stupid, I know that everyday isn't going to be a fairy tale, but these last couple of months have really been trying for me and all I really need is a little patience and a little understanding. He thinks that everything should be "normal" now...that after 4 months, I should be over my grief...that I should just "shake it off" when those sad moments happen. I try...I really do...but I'm a very emotional person. I cry at tv commercials, for cripe's sake...

I know that grief takes time. He thinks if we just act like nothing happened, life will go back to normal. He doesn't get that for me...life will never be "normal" again. Maybe he does know that and it freaks him out?? I don't know cause he won't talk about it.

I just keep hoping that when we sell the house in Fullerton, it will feel like closure and we can start working on our own lives again...

AEDM--Day 18

2010-11-18T18:28:00.000-08:00

Todays art is a collaboration between myself and Rosie, my 18month old granddaughter.

When my sister and I were little, we would do these scribbles and then color in pieces and pretend they were abstract art. I'm not sure why we started this, except that maybe we knew niether one of us could draw at all, lol.

This afternoon, I had given my Rosie a pad of paper and a pencil and she did the usual scribbles of a baby. As I was looking at them, I remembered this childhood activity. I gave my sketchbook to Rosie and let her go at it. This is the result...I just colored in certain pieces with colored pencils...I think I will use her help in the future...who knows, maybe all the talent I wish I had, she does...

A picture of my future artist...

AEDM--Days 16 and 17

2010-11-17T10:26:00.000-08:00

I've found that a lot of times when inspiration hits me, I will put off creating in my art journal because I haven't got a background, and I am too lazy to get out all my supplies to do one. So last night/early this morning, while hubby was asleep, I decided to do a couple of background pages and plan ahead.

This first one i just painted color where ever.

This one is in yellow and blue, it's a bit more organized for something specific.

This is my version of a rainbow. I like to use the watercolors because of the way they run together and mix.

I really enjoyed doing this so I'm sure I will do some more today.

It will make journaling a lot easier when it is spur of the moment!!

AEDM--Day 15

2010-11-15T16:34:00.000-08:00

Today my AEDM is a sunflower. I LOVE sunflowers, but I cannot draw them.

This is a practice sketch I did this morning.

It's OK, I guess, I need to practice the flower leaves, they always bunch up on one side...:(

AEDM--Day 14...

2010-11-14T22:48:00.000-08:00

I know it's kinda late to post my AEDM...but I'm on the west coast, so it's not midnight yet...

Today was a crazy busy day...but I did a little doodle drawing...

It is based on a card I saw at Target this afternoon...my drawing skills are non-exsistent, that's why I like scrapbooking and art journaling...you don't have to have great skills to do either one...I can put some stickers on a page or swirl some paint together, and I have made art...

AEDM--Day 12...

2010-11-12T15:44:00.000-08:00

Here is my completed piece...I call it "girl picking sunflowers". I like it...it is my first attempt at potraying an actual scene. the girl is done on another peice of watercolor paper and then glued on to the background. I will play around more with this kind of thing...practice makes perfect...

AEDM__Days 8,9,10,and 11...

2010-11-12T12:02:00.000-08:00

For all my Art Every Day friends...I don't want you to think I've wandered away...I'm here and I'm still doing art...it has been a very busy week, so I haven't had a lot of time to create and I couldn't load up my pics cause my computer died...but I'm back...with a new computer...so here is what I did this week...

Sunday night I had a dream about a project...just a finished piece that I had created and was very happy with. That image stayed in my mind all morning, so I decided to see if I could do it...here is the results so far:

Monday--a background of watercolor wash green

Tueseday--the girl

Wed.--add some sunflowers to the background (pen and foamies)

Thurs.--add some texture and pattern to girl's robe. (paint and glue sparkles)

So that's what I have done so far...Today I'm going to try and finish her up...stay tuned...

30 days of Gratitude--Day 8

2010-11-08T07:38:00.000-08:00

This is what I am thankful for today...my "winter" mug...

Every year, around the time of the first rain, which we had this morning, I get out my "winter" mug. My Mother gave it to me one year, and I LOVE it!!

It is huge, and has a big handle I can get my whole hand in, so I can cup it better and feel all of it's comfy warmth. This morning it has orange spice herbal tea in it, but it also likes hot chocolate, pumpkin spice tea, hot apple cider, and once in a great while, plain ole coffee. (I'm not much of a coffee drinker at all...)

It is a great way to start a cold or dreary day.

Everyone should have one...:)

30 days of gratitude...day 7

2010-11-07T18:57:00.000-08:00

No pictures today...it is hard to put into words what I am grateful for today...much less find a picture to capture it. Today I am grateful just to be. I am grateful for my life, for the advantages I've had along the way, a set of wonderful parents, a beautiful sister, the great extended family I had growing up, all the stories of things past, the long talks I used to have with my Grandmother when i would visit her after visiting the library, the childhood I was allowed to experience, just all of it.

My childhood and my parents helped to shape me into the kind of person I am now, for good or for bad. I like to think I turned out OK, lol...Don't get me wrong...there were bad times...but my parents did their best to shield my sister and me from the worry and fear I am sure they felt at times. When I was in high school, my Dad was laid off from his machinist job and was unemployed for a good 2 years. They did their very best to make sure we still had the basics and that life was not disrupted for us. My Mom clipped coupons, shopped at sales, sewed our clothes, and many other things so we did not feel the pressure. My Dad did odd jobs, painted houses, delivered newspapers to help make ends meet. From them I learned determination, pride, honesty and teamwork will almost always get you through anything.

I know that even though they have moved on to a better place...I will be OK. That's what they taught me...and for that I am grateful...

AEDM...Day 6

2010-11-06T17:52:00.000-07:00

Fooling around with the options on my Paint program...

I LOVE the way it turned out...

I may do this to all my photos, LOL...

30 Days of Gratitude Day 6...

2010-11-06T11:07:00.000-07:00

Today, this is what I am grateful for...

THE END OF DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!

Yes, I like the extra sunlight, but I LOVE the extra hour of sleep we get back. Daylight savings is always tricky for me, because I am a night person. I am always up till 12 or 1 am, unless it has been a really hard day. Losing that hour every spring kills me!!

So, YEA!!!! No more daylighr savings!!

AEDM ~~ Day 4

2010-11-04T14:54:00.000-07:00

Here is my AEDM for Nov. 4th. I am super busy today, it is my 27th wedding annivesary, so I just did a couple of doodles today. I remember in high school, I would do these really elaborate flower doodles with different color pens and pencils during the boring classes.

Somewhere, I stopped doing doodles.

I think I'm going to start again...it is fun, you don't really have to think about it, and you can doodle almost anywhere...

30 days of Gratitude--day 4

2010-11-04T10:12:00.000-07:00

Today is my wedding anniversay. I have had the good fortune to be married to this man for 27 years now. He is who I am thankful for today...

I met him when I was 16 and although I didn't fall immediately, he kind of found his way to my heart. He put up with a lot of questions and doubt from my parents who were not thrilled that their 16 yr old had a boyfriend who was 24, but he stuck it out.

We are different in so many ways, and the road has been a bit rocky, even now, but we try to work through the bad and have even had mini seperations. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is give them time to breathe.

Today, on my 27th anniversary I am thankful for the home he has provided, the strenghth he has given me, especially these last couple of years, and the things he has taught me about life and love.

30 Days of Gratitude--day 3

2010-11-03T07:57:00.000-07:00

This little girl is what I am thankful for today. She is Rosie, my granddaughter.

My son told me that he and his girlfriend were pregnant the day after my Mom passed, Aug. 13, 2008 and she was born March 2009. Waiting for her arrival gave me much needed hope during a very trying time. (We lost 5 family members between Aug. and Dec. that year...)

Having her here and having the utter joy of taking care of her while her parents worked has literally brought me back to the land of the living.Here are some more pics of my Favorite girl...

going down the slide at John's Incredible Pizza

Inspecting Grandpa's handiwork

Ready for her donkey ride

With Great-Grandpa at Christmas (my Daddy)

Not too happy about having gotten her picture taken...

Art Every Day...days 2 and 3

2010-11-03T07:20:00.000-07:00

This is my project for day 2 of AEDM. It is a picture of my sister, my mother and myself from about 20 years ago. It was my Mother's 50th birthday. I love this picture because we were so happy that day and we are all so young!! I look at it and can NOT believe that it was 20 years ago...it really feels like last week.

The page itself is pretty simple. A watercolor background, a picture of us, some heart stickers, and my writing.

This is day 3. The quote in the star is this: "If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life,your tears will prevent you from seeing the sun."

I LOVE this quote. I feel like I am finally starting to see the sun again, even with the passing of my Father this June. The grief I feel from his passing is more intense than from the others, but it is not present all the time like the others. It is also different cause I know they are all together, and I have 4 AWESOME guardian angels!!

This page is a mask...I taped a chipboard star to the page and then did a watercolor wash. Take off the star to reveal the journaling space. Added some star and a butterfly stickers and some bling to jazz it up.

30 Days of Gratitideday 2

2010-11-02T08:47:00.000-07:00

Good Morning all...I hope everyone plans to get out and vote today...

This is day 2 of 30 days of gratitude and I selected this flag to represent what I am grateful for today. I am grateful to live in a country where democracy rules and where even if you don't agree with the other side, they will take time to listen you.

I am grateful to live in freedom and I am exceedingly grateful to the brave men and women to fight to keep us all free.
(This flag was flying outside of my polling place this morning)

30 days of Gratitude

2010-11-01T15:12:00.000-07:00

So I've found another challenge, thanks to my blogger friend, BonnieRose, called 30 days of gratitiude. I like this concept for two reasons:

1) We can always use something to help us be more grateful in life. I know for me, personally, I tend to take things for granted.

2) I love taking pictures and need something that will help stimulate that creative part of me. And get me some practice, LOL...

The prompt for today is Home

This is a tree in my yard. Every summer we cut it back to the limbs and every "winter" (We use the word loosely here in Southern California, lol...)It has grown back almost as big as when we cut it down.

I LOVE that. To me it symbolizes the determination this tree has to be as big and bold as it knows it should be.

I take a certain strength from that.

Art Every DayDay One

2010-11-01T09:17:00.000-07:00

This is my entry for the first day of Art Every Day month. It is a page for my art journal. I am seriously thinking about doing a canvas some what in this style and wanted to try it out first.

It is a picture of my beautiful Mother, Rose, taken about 7 months before she passed. The background is a watercolor wash, purple and blue. I added some blingy rinestones to simulate stars, added a crown, cause she was and always will be my Queen Mother, and wrote down some words that capture her spirit. "Family", "Laughter", "Respect"

I like the way it turned out...may make some changes for a canvas, but all in all, I like it.

I hope you all do too...

Poetry

2010-10-28T09:31:00.000-07:00

I CALL OUT YOUR NAME

I call out your name
listening and praying
I call out your name
but no answer do I hear.

I look around for you
at home and away
I look around for you
but you do not appear.

I sit and wait for you
scared and lonely
I sit and wait for you
while slowly falls a single tear.

I call out your name
and softly I hear your voice
"Do not be sad Love
for in your heart, I'll always be near."

EJP (10/2010)

Isn't it funny...

2010-10-26T16:09:00.000-07:00

Isn't it funny how some things happen?? When I originally started this blog, I wrote poetry. Not great poetry, but good enough from an amatuer like me. I have always liked poems. I remember in 4th grade having my little poems in the school newspaper. I carried around a little leather bound book and just wrote stuff down whenever the mood struck. When Denise (my sister) died in 2006, my poetry died with her. I tried for months to write down something, ANYTHING, and time and time again got nothing. After a year or so, I gave up...took the book out of my purse and forgot about my poems. I felt like that part of my creativity was over. I moved on to other things, scrapbooking, photography, and things of that nature. When my Mom and Kathy died in 2008, I tried again, for a minute, and gave up...convinced that what ever "muse" I had was gone.

Fast forward to this morning...I am cleaning the kitchen. When I say cleaning, I mean deep cleaning. Pulled out the dishes from the china cabinet and dusted them, moved the kitchen table to clean the window and the blinds,cleaned off my tiny counter space, and started cleaning my stove. I sprayed oven cleaner, took off the knobs, took off the burners and started scrubbing away with my brillo pad. The next thing I know, words start forming. Before i know it, I've got the first 3 lones to a poem formed. Not wanting to lose the lines, I stopped cleaning the stove and went to write them down. Next thing I know, I have written 4 stanzas of a poem. Tears are pouring down my face and I felt so free. There is nothing like that feeling of writing down what is in your heart. I will go back tonight and re-read it and edit it and make sure I didn't write down a bunch of jibbirish,but even if I did, that's OK. At least I wrote something down.

Maybe the muse is back...

Art Every Day

2010-10-18T19:33:00.000-07:00

I have joined the Art Every Day Month challenge. ( If I did it right, you can click the title and it will take you to the site.)

I was browsing around the web and found the creative everyday site and thought this would be the perfect thing to get my creative juices flowing again. I also have some time to get my desk cleaned up and my supplies organized. I have been drowning in a sea of self-pity and darkness...I need to see the light again...to believe in something...to know that I, that is my soul, hasn't died along with every one else...This may just be the thing.

2010-10-16T17:30:00.000-07:00

This little meme was shared on the blog of my very talented friend, BonnieRose, http://alifeunrehearsed2.blogspot.com/. She invited her readers to participate and share it so I thought I would...it is very thought provoking...thanks Bonnie!!!
This is me.

Right now.

i am --a little sad and a little relieved that the work on my parents house is almost done. I won't be truly able to move on until we sell it.

i think --that I took a lot of things for granted and I should be more appreciative of the good things in my life.

i know --that God has a plan...I just have to be patient.

i want --a house by the beach with a little glass walled garden room to read and create in and lots of open windows to let the sweet smell and warm breezes in.

i have --too many insecurities, too many self doubts, too many negative people in my life.

i dislike --people who are mean and rude. Too many people have forgotten what compassion is.

i miss --My family...I know they're together, but I'm jealous...I want them here with me.

i fear --Noone will truly understand me.

i feel --sad a lot...

i hear --if I'm really quite and concentrate, my Mother's laugh...it was a beautiful sound full of life and joy.

i smell --apple cinnamon candles...which I LOVE!!

i crave -- chocolate...ALL THE TIME!!

i usually --give into the chocolate craving and then beat myself up about it...

i search --for the meaning to my life...why am I here?? What is my purpose?? You'd think at 45 I'd have a clue, but you'd be wrong.

i wonder --What kind of woman will my Granddaughter turn out to be and will I live to see it?

i regret --letting work get in the way of my family relationships and the time that was wasted.

i love --baby kisses and hugs, sunflowers, kittens, the smell of the outside after it rains.

i care --if people don't like me.

i am always --on a freaking diet!!!

i worry --that I've let my health get too bad and I won't be healthy again.

i remember --all the good times I had as a child, as a teenager and as a young Mother.

i have --unlimited growth opportunities if I make the effort.

i dance --NEVER...I am SOO un-coordinated!

i sing --because I LOVE it!! Music is like food to me.

i don't always --fight for what I know is right...I need to stop that.

i argue--only when I am pushed to the breaking point.

i write --not enough. I love to write, but that is one of the things that gets neglected.

i lose --interest in things pretty quickly. I think I have adult adhd.

i wish --that people would realize how short time with our loved ones is and not sqander that precious time on petty arguments and fights.

i listen --to my ipod all the time...it goes where I go...

i don't understand why --they can't make a candy out of broccoli but that tastes like chocolate fudge...

i can usually be found --in the computer room or in my bedroom

i am scared. of dying too soon.

i need --someone to listen and not judge me

i forget--sometimes that fat people are supposed to be funny so when I get serious or sad, some people don't know how to react to me...

i am happy --when I am around my family and friends...

I would also like to invite you to participate in this little survey. Not so much for public view, although I would love to read it, but privately, just to get a handle on where you are...right this minute.

xoxoxo

Desperately seeking...ME...

2010-08-22T16:44:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I blogged...it's not that I don't have anything to say...it's that I'm afraid to say it. Afraid to put all of my thoughts and feelings down on paper (haha) and give them life. I know I should. I know that keeping things bottled up inside is not good and only helps me to self-destruct. I just don't know if I want to take responsiblity for what I'm feeling right now. It is sooo much easier to keep your head buried in the sand, ya know??

The bottom line is I have to make changes. Personal changes. Professional changes. Relationship changes. What has always held me back before was not having the resourses to make these changes. Now I do. When my Father passed, he left me a little inheritence. It's not an insane amount of money, but is is enough for me to comfortably make some of the changes I need to make. So the excuse of no money is not valid anymore and that kind of terrifies me.

I will be making baby steps as the days go on. I know that it is time for me to put me first. I will be 45 years old in a little over a month, and what have I accomplished in those 45 years?? I had a raised a beautiful son. That is it. My job doesn't really contribute anything to society except keep Americans obese, I do not volunteer anywhere, I do not make a difference in people
s life for the good. For almost 27 years, I have put everything on hold to be a good wife, Mother, daughter, sister. I feel like those roles are important and wouldn't change doing them, but somewhere, I lost who I am. It's time to find me again...warts and all...

Family

2010-07-07T23:00:00.000-07:00

I miss them so much. Sometimes the sadness just overwelms me. There are so many things I didn't know...so many things I didn't say...so many things I wish I could change.
The good thing to come out of this is I've been in touch with my aunts...something I should have done long ago. Aunt Wilma is so sweet, ends every sentance with "dear". She sounds so frail on the phone. She was Daddy's older sister. Hazel is younger and a pistol!! She lived in New Orleans until Katrina, then she moved to Kentucky. She can't walk anymore, but I swear she's gonna outlive us all!!!
I was talking to Hazel the other day as I was looking for paperwork at my Dad's house, and she told me to be on the lookout for a set of milk glass bowls. She said that when my Grandmother passed (his Mom), she made sure that Daddy got this set of bowls because Daddy had won this set of bowls from carnivals that would come into town. He played the "toss a coin into the bowl" game. The one where you toss a coin and if it lands in a bowl or on a plate, you get the dish. When Daddy was small, they were POOR!!! The kids would pick up coke bottles and such to earn money to go to the local carnival when it was in town. My Daddy kept playing this game until he had the whole set. To me, it just speaks loads about his determination. He kept that his whole life. I think that is one of the reasons he held on for so long at the hospital...pure determination...

last words

2010-06-30T22:09:00.000-07:00

The last words my Daddy said to me were "I love you too, Baby..." as he was being taken into surgery 3 weeks ago today...June 9, 2010...

it's all in the details...

2010-06-29T00:12:00.000-07:00

Most of the arrangements are made, I have little odds and ends to do for the memorial service, but other than that it is done. Tonight I picked the music for the service. I think he'd be happy with the choices. I decide on:
when people are arriving-
You're my Best Friend by Don Williams (A nod to my Mom)
Hurt by Johnny Cash
I'll Fly away by Johnny Cash
America the Beautiful by Lee Greenwood (The service will be military themed...he was a vetran so there will be Milirary Honors)

In the middle-
Farther On by Russ Taff

as we are leaving-
Go Rest High Upon that Mountain by Vince Gill
The flowers are military themed, I have the pictures chosen, just had to get copies made, I pick those up on Wed. and the obit comes out Wed.
So far I have been OK. Because I have had all these details to take care of. Once Thursday is done...I will be a mess. I expect it. Then comes the fun part of going thru his stuff...

Sometimes life is too hard...

2010-06-27T08:39:00.000-07:00

Daddy passed away yesterday in the nursing home. This time I feel a sense of relief...he isn't suffering anymore. I don't think he was in any pain, the hospital and the nursing home seemed to understand that that was a priority, but I know those last couple of days he didn't understand what was going on. He seemed scared. I also feel badly that I left before he passed. That he was alone. The thing that makes me feel better is that Denise and Mommy and his Mother were waiting for him.

I'm going to miss him terribly. I wrote once that it was ironic that he and I were the two left because we had the least in common. I was much closer to my Mom and he was closer to Denise, but now I understand why this happened. I got to know him a lot better and I was blessed to have that time with him. Of course, I wish I'd been able to spend more time with him, I wish that I had lived closer to him so I could just go over when ever I felt like it, but in the end, I know he knew that I went over when ever I could, he was OK with that.

In about an hour we have to go make the final arrangement. I know more or less what i want for the memorial service so it won't be too hard. The sucky thing is I know everything they are going to ask about having done this so many times before. This had better be the last one for QUITE a while!!!

Nursing home/hospice care

2010-06-24T22:02:00.000-07:00

The dr.s say that there is nothing else they can do for Daddy. His kidney's are doing OK, he had a couple of bowel movements, (after they told me his bowel was dead...) and he has been off of the respirator for 36 hrs. So that's the good (sort of) news. The bad news is his lungs are VERY congested. His breathing is very labored, but I've been assured that he is not suffering. He does not respond to us. He moves his head toward us when we talk to him, or one of the monitors goes off, but he can not respond to commands. I asked him to blink his eyes if he knew who I was and he didn't. I asked him to squeeze my hand, and he didn't. The Dr. asked him to cough, and he didn't. He also seems afraid and that breaks my heart.

The Dr.'s said I should consider a nursing home. The insurance coordinator came and basically no insurance covers nursing home care. She said we were looking at $5000.00 to get him in and at least that much a WEEK to keep him in. I do not have that kind of money. He does, but I don't have access to it. She told me my only option was in-home hospice. That scared me to death!! I don't mind caring for him, but I don't know if I can physically do it. At this point he can't move at all, so I would have to do everything. So I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for this when the coordinator called and said that after evaluting him, they will send him to a special nursing home for a couple of days because while the hospital can't help him, he is too medically ill to be at home. I am sooooooo relieved!!!! This will give me a couple of days to wrap my mind around this and to line up some help.

I have got such a headache right now...everybody needs to take 5 minutes and figure out what you want done in the case of someting like this...leaving it to the last minute sucks for the person left in charge!!!

Hope springs eternal...

2010-06-17T19:10:00.000-07:00

I got to talk to all of the Dr.'s today...
A) Kidney Dr.~~ Kidney's are doing well, not up to 100% yet, but everyday is an improvement, so no dialysis for now...
B) Surgeon~~ his incisions are healing well, took out a drainage tube, still can not hear any bowel sounds, so we don't know if the surgury was a success or not. He will give it a couple of more days...
C) Cardiologist~~ Has nothing to add to all of this...(He literally said that too me...not big on bedside manner this one...)
D) Pulmonary Dr.~~ His lungs sound a little clearer, he takes little breathes on his own. He can be on the respirator for 2 or 3 weeks, not the 10 days that the other Dr. said. He thinks that trying to ween him off of the respirator before the begining of next week is not possible...
E) ICU Dr.~~ His prognosis is not good. He had what is called Askeemic (sp?) bowel. The blood clot blocked the flow of oxygen to his bowels causing them to die. He said more people do not recover from this than do, and we add in the complication that my Dad's heartbeat is begining to become irregular, so his heart may fail. I need to be prepared for the worst, but he said that he (Daddy) was a tough old guy and as long as he was fighting, they would do everything in their power to make him better. I had to go out in the hall to keep myself from kissing this guy!! (He gets the "A" in bedside manner, although pulmonary Dr. was a close second...)

I am still staying out in Fullerton, coming home for a couple of hours every other day or so to wash dishes, and clean up a little for Hubby and Rosie...and to check the computer...I bought a HP netbook, but I have to go to Barnes and Noble to use their free WiFi and that's getting expensive...I keep looking and buying more books, LOL...

Hospital

2010-06-16T00:02:00.000-07:00

Things are not looking good for Daddy. Now his heart is getting weaker and his lungs are full of fluid. I authorized a Do Not Recisitate (sp) order this afternoon. If his heart hold up, I then get to make the desicion to keep him on a machine to do his breathing for him or to take him off and let nature take it's course. It is a hard,hard choice, but in the long run, I know that he does not want to be kept alive on a machine. I talked to his sisters and to my uncle and we all think (know) that this is the right choice. And it SUCKS!!!!

The family I have here has been great and I don't want to take anything away from them, but I can't help but feel alone. There will be noone to remember all of our little family moments, to know our history as a family. I feel very alone. Uncle Ken says it is OK to be mad that they left and put me in this position, but I still feel guilty. I know that they didn't leave cause they wanted to...I know it wasn't up to them, that God has a bigger plan, but come on...I think maybe I've had enough...it might be time to pick on somebody else's family for a while...as bad as that sounds. i don't wish harm on anyone.

I know I'm not making any sense now, so i will try to go to sleep now...sleep has not been my friend lately...something tells me that it may be a stranger for a while...

Daddy

2010-06-13T18:20:00.000-07:00

My Daddy is in the hospital and not expected to make it out. I can not believe this turn of events. Monday I was talking to him on the phone and he was in such good spirits and so excited cause he had gotten Tommy LaSorda's autograph last week. Now, he's in the hospital, fighting for his life.

I am sitting here in the kitchen of my Dad's house, watching the girls across the street playing out front. There are six or seven of them, laughing and playing. It feels like yesterday that it was Densie and me, Carol and Ann, Kim, John and Ben out there playing. This neighborhood is so Main Street. I've had neighbors come and ask about my Dad, it is nice to know that so many people here love him and look out for him.

So, my Dad has had two operations. The first one took out blood clots blocking his arteries. The second took out 4 feet of small intestine, some large intestine, his gall bladder, his apendicts, and they had to repair a hole in one of the arteries going to his heart. He is on a respirator and has at least 5 iv's. The surgeon was not optimistic in his prognosis. If anything else goes wrong, there is really no reason to go back in, there;s nothing left to do. Right now he's been on sedation since Friday night. Yesterday they tried to take him off, but he got very agitated, so they started it up again. They will try again tomorrow. I plan at being at the hospital around 8 am, hopefully I can see the Dr.

I am so tired, so scared, so ready to hear some good news. It is nice to know so many people are praying for him and keeping him in their thoughts. We can use a miracle right about now.

Mother's Day

2010-05-12T21:40:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone had a good Mother's Day. I sure did. My family was VERY good to me this year. I received this wonderful Sony Reader. I've been playing around with it and so far, I am loving it. I wasn't sure about an electronic reader at first, and I know I will NEVER completely give up books, but this is very convienent and was easier to carry around than a big book. I can also read more than one book at a time on it. So far I have 4 books. Gone with the Wind, (of course!!!) the new Debbie Macomber, Little Women and Good Wives which is the sequel to Little Women. I loved that book so much and I can not believe I wasn't aware of the sequel. I wasn't as smart as I thought I was...LOL. I also got a beautiful saphire and diamond ring and a great dinner to Claim Jumper.

The only downside of the day was not having my Mom around to say Happy Mother's Day to. It is days like these when I wish her ashes had been buried somewhere so there was someplace I could GO to talk to her. Take some roses. Meditate with her. I guess there's no point in crying over things that are impossible, but I can still wish, I guess. Oh well...I'll just keep letting people think I'm crazy when they think I'm talking to myself...I'm really talking to my Mom...

I've been working on some organizational projects, mainly my room and the scrapbooking space. It is TOTALLY out of control!!! I have some major purging ahead...otherwise I'm gonna end up on an episode of Hoarders!!!!

This and that...

2010-04-29T20:45:00.000-07:00

The last week or so has been interesting. I dieted very well, no bread, no soda, no candy...gained 3 lb. What's up with that??? The Dr. wasn't happy, I wasn't happy, my poor car wasn't happy...LOL. So, it's back to the drawing board...I did have a mini victory on Tues. While shopping, I pulled into a Taco Bell and a Jack in the Box and then pulled out without ordering anything. It's not perfect, but Im taking baby-steps.

On Friday, someone really made me mad. I can't go into a lot of detail cause that person might read this, I don't know, and it's not anything worth risking our friendshipover. Just know that if you say that you will meet me somewhere and then change your plans and DO NOT CALL ME to tell me of the change...I will not be so accomadating next time. I realize things come up but i am tired of being walked on. It hurt my feelings.

So we finally finished the walls in the front room and kitchen. We painted (and when I say "we" I mean "he") both rooms and put up the vertical blinds I bought him last year for Father's Day. Lets just say it is a minor miricle that we didn't kill each other. Who knew it was gonna take 6 hours to put up a blind in the kitchen. You read that right...SIX hours for ONE blind. NOTHING fit right. It got REALLY ugly for an hour or two. But we persevered and finished it. The next day, the front room blind went in like silk...everything was perfect. THANK GOD!!! I'll try to post some pics in the next day or two.

Weekend

2010-03-22T11:46:00.000-07:00

Well, I made it through the weekend, which is always a crap shoot. I'm trying to thnk about what I'm going to eat ahead of time with out obsessing over it. I have stayed away from candy, cookies, chips, and bologna. Haven't conquered the soda thing yet, but I did order a diet pepsi at Yoshinoya when we went there.
Yesterday I went to see my Dad and took my DIL and the baby. We had fun, got to catch up on news and gossip, he got to see the baby walking and we went to lunch. Now I know from experience, when we go out we are either going to Mexican, comfort or fast food. We decided on mexican yesterday. I ordered a shredded beef burrito with rice, beans, and lettuce inside and red sause and cheese outside. I feel good about my choice for several reasons. There is hardly any cheese on the outside, less than 1/2 oz.. It was supposed to come with sour cream, but I told them no. It is a big burrito, so I didn't "combo" it, which I usually do. I left about a 3rd of it on the plate. Didn't even bring it home. I did have an orange bang (or two) to drink, but I only ever get them at this particular place and we only go there every 6 months or so, so I'm not going to stress about it. And today, I am sticking to water.

Feelings

2010-03-19T22:17:00.000-07:00

These are the feelings I need to remember:
THE BAD...
1) The feel of my hands, fingers and face after eating potatoe chips. GREASY!!! I often am reading when I am eating and I can't tell you how many pages have grease marks on them from potaoe chips.
2) The feeling of crapping my pants (sorry if theat's TMI) at three o'clock in the morning cause I have diarehea after eating the most fat-ladden mess of food at a local restaraunt and can't get out of bed in time.
3) The pounding headache, watery eyes and sore throat because I'm puking my guts out after eating an insanely high calorie dessert.
THE GOOD...
1) The feeling of accomplishment when I stick to my eating plan, even if it is only for one day.
2) The energy I start to feel after a couple days without sugar and high proccessed foods.
3) The high of going to Wooten's and buying the latest scrapbook sensation cause I saved all that money not eating out.

Writing

2010-03-17T09:53:00.000-07:00

So yesterday's post was the preview for todays. I have decided to undergo writing therapy. Basically it is putting a set amount of time aside everyday, preferably in the morning, and just writing freestyle. No expectations, no demamnds, just whatever comes to you. At the end of the week, you go back over your pages and see what little gems stand out to you. Anger? Ambitions? Fear? Dreams? Then you can start to get a handle on what is REALLY going on in your subconcious. It also involves keeping a food journal and writing down the why's of why you are eating at that time or why you are eating that item.

I have mixed eotions on this. I am fearful of what is going to come out, I don't want to hold grudges or blame other people, but i am also curious. What REALLY is going on inside this brain of mine? You'd think that since it's my brain, I'd be the first one to know, but I don't have a clue most days. I've lived 44 years like that and I'm thinking it's time to get to know me.

Fear

2010-03-16T20:52:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot the last couple of days about fear. This is the 2nd meaning in the online dictionary: 2 archaic : to feel fear in (oneself)

That is where I am at right now. I feel fear in myself. I have figured out that i must have some deep seeded issues waaay down that I just can't or won't deal with. That is the only explanation for the mindless self-destructive behavior I exhibit. The problem is I'm afraid to uncover what "it" is.

How am I ever going to become a whole person and once and for all deal with my weight is I am afraid? I am fearful of what I'm going to uncover. The thing is...it's coming out. The anger and hurt and frustration is coming out more and more everyday. It is almost always in the back of my mind now. I do not want to be angry at people who are no longer here to defend themselves. I don't want to be angry at people who did the best job they could with me.

When my sister passed away, the first thing my Mother said after telling me Denise was gone was,"It's my fault." She was talking about how big Denise had gotten. I denied it. I told her we were big girls (no pun intended) and we lived our lives the way we saw fit. I believe that. I am now thinking that I am going to have to acknowledge the role my family played (plays) in my weight issues. The excuses: My whole family is fat, it's the way we're wired...the rewards: Clean your room and you can have 2 extra cookies...the falsehoods: Clean your plate, there are starving children in Africa...the desertion: Denise is a baby, you're a big girl, let her play with your favorite toy.

I realize it sounds like a lot of whining. I KNOW that i was raised the best way that my parents know how to raise a child. I know that I have responsibility too...I'm just thinking maybe it's time to get this stuff out and LET IT GO!!!

Journals

2010-03-14T19:25:00.000-07:00

I love the sight of a new blank page. So full of possibilities, I can do anything. Maybe a poem, maybe a story, maybe a photo with a favorite quote. That's why even though I like to blog, I will always have apaper journal to write in. Nothing comes close to the sensation of that fresh page looking, expecting something unique, from you.

Insulation

2010-03-13T10:42:00.000-08:00

Today we are starting renovations at the homestead. We decided it was time to put in some insulation. We are going to take down the inside front wall, put in the insulation, put on new drywall, and paint. We are hoping that this will only take 2 days. I don't know. (and the "we" in this is the emperial "we". I don't know nuthin bout no drywalling, lol) I moved and covered the furniture, took everything off the walls and washed the wall, so I did do something.

Hopefully the insulation will help in 2 ways. 1) bring down our electric bill in the summer and 2) keep some of the air-conditioning inside. The way our house is built, the sun shines down on it almost all day, starting in the front. It is hotter than you-know-what in the summer!! I'm getting old and with hot flashes around the corner, I don't know how much I can take, LOL.

That's about all that's going on here...another fun-filled weekend!!

Blah...

2010-03-05T11:53:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure why, but i feel blue today. I know it's all in my head, but i feel like no one cares, that I am completely alone, and that nothing I do matters to anyone.

I think it all goes back to missing my Mom. Before, when I felt like this, I could call her up and after a couple of minutes she would have me laughing and joking around. I don't think I've really laughed since she's been gone. You know, that whole body laugh that is loud and often leaves you crying and gasping for air. I miss that.

Normally I would crawl into bed and stay there all day, but I am babysitting the Princess, so that's not an option. I need to keep busy.

Thursday Thirteen

2010-03-04T20:54:00.000-08:00

So today is Thursday and I'm gonna try another Thursday Thirteen. If I did it right, you can click on the title and it will take you to the home page...

My Thirteen this week will be my goals and dreams. I often think about things I want to do in the future...and now I think i may be dreaming my life away. This list will help me define my dreams and give me a good starting point to work from...

1)To have a beach home. It can be anywhere, although I am partial to California...but I love the thought of waking up on the beach, taking a stroll, collecting sea glass and shells, hearing the gulls and smelling the sea.

2)To have some of my scrapbooking published. I'm not ready yet, but I am excited about new ideas and learning new ways to express myself.

3)To Travel. It would be heaven to be able to take a year and just go where ever I wanted. Paris, Dublin, Madrid, Mexico City, Montreal, Tokoyo, London, and where ever else I wanted.

4)To visit all 50 states. I think that would be awesome!!!To see the different people and cultures that make this country great!!

5)To write a book of original poetry. I love poems and I love writing them. Again, I'm not very good...but that's because I don't practice a lot.

6)To swim with dolphins. This is a big dream of mine. It seems to me it would be a magical experience...to swim and play with these beautiful and intelligent animals.

7)To change professions. I really hate my job. I want a career, not a 9-5 that I hate. The problem is I'm not trained to do anything and times is a ticking...

8)To have a lot of animals. I have one cat, but I would love to have more and dogs and fish and whatever. I love animals.

9)To learn another language. I know Spanish, but that was a neccesity, I want to learn French or Mandarin, just because.

10)To learn to be more social. I would like to have lots of friends, hang out at coffee shops or go to the movies, but I am not very good at making friends. I am shy and self-concious. I don't like being out of my comfort zone.

11)To do a 10K walk. Believe it or not, I would really like to do one of the walks for diabetes or heart disease to honor my sister.

12)To make a difference. I want to make a difference in the life of someone, anyone. To teach them something, or give encouragement, or just be a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen.

13)I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to put me first sometimes and not beat myself up for being selfish. I want to be me and not be ashamed or embarrassed. I want to like me.

So there we are. Some are doable, some are fantasies, and some will help me become the person I want to be...

A Few Randoms...

2010-03-02T23:02:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to put down a couple of random things that have been on my mind. I have a tendency to walk around with things in my head, and then later when I need/want to remember something...poof...it's gone!! Maybe it's a sign of getting old, LOL...

1) I LOVE the song *Paparazzi* by Lady Gaga. I actually like alot of her songs, as long as I don't have to watch the video. I understand artistic expression, but she's a little over the top for me. Her music, on the other hand, is GREAT!! I like *Paparazzi* the best so far, it seems more musical to me, if that makes any sense.

2) I heard this quote the other day and have not been able to get it out of my mind. "One should eat to live, not live to eat." Ben Franklin. This is SUCH a simple concept. From the revolutionary times. OVER 200 years ago. It amazes me for 2 reasons. One, in 1776 (or about then) people were concerned with their weight!! Did Ben think he was a fatty? Was Mrs. Ben telling him to get up off of his fat ass and do some exercises for the love of the King?? Or, did Ben know in roughly 200 years, the country that he and his fellow revolutionaries fought so hard for would be the most obese on the planet and he was trying to circumvent history???
The second reason I am fascinated by this quote is it's simplicity. "EAT TO LIVE...DON'T LIVE TO EAT." This is something that should go home with all newborn babies from the hospital. Every person on the planet should use this as their mantra. Don't get bogged down in "What's for dinner?" or "Who's making dessert?". Think about things like "I can take carrot sticks with me when I go for that hike." or "let's have some water instead of that sugar-laden soda while we run around the basketball court." It needs to start young. I can not tell you the next time I will walk around the park with my Granddaughter...but I CAN tell you the next time I am going to Hometown Buffet! So Sad!!

3) I have found some very interesting blogs about art journaling. I have expressed an interest in this before, but I think I'm ready to get my feet wet. Lately I have not been feeling the scrapping mojo, but the thought of doing some kind of art journaling really excites me. I'm sure I'll get my mojo back eventually, but in the meantime, I think I'm going to try it out. I am not an artist by ANY stretch of the imagination, but I'd like to see what I can put together. Just writing in a journal is getting boring to me, but jazzing it up a little make perfect sense. We'll see how it goes...

not working...

2010-02-04T17:54:00.001-08:00

I have no idea why the link to the homepage doesn't work...if anybody has an idea, can you tell me?? I can do simple blogging, but I've never been able to figure out the links...Thanks...

Thursday Thirteen

2010-02-04T17:43:00.000-08:00

Here we are...another thursday Thirteen. Since I am new to this, I've been writing down ideas for my future thirteen's. Next week I'll post about Valentine's Day. I LOVE to read, so it was logical that one of my first posts should be about books...
My thirteen favorite books of all time (in no paticular order...):
1)Gone With the Wind by Magaret Mitchell
2)Queen by Alex Haley
3)Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
4)Bitter is the New Black by Jen Lancaster
5)Cheaper by the Dozen by Earnestine Galbraith
6)All of the Little House series by Laura Ingalls Wilder
7)The Wizard of Oz by Frank Baum
8)A Year by the Sea by Joan Anderson
9)365 Days of Scrapbooking by Better Homes and Gardens
10)Don't know much about the Bible by Kenneth C. Davis
11)Angela's Ashes by Frank McCourt
12)East of Eden by John Steinbeck
13)The Bible

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Thursday Thirteen...

2010-01-28T18:36:00.000-08:00

This is something new I'm gonna try. It's called Thursday Thirteen and you basically make up a list of anything you want, up to thirteen. I've read quite a few over the last couple of weeks and it looks like fun, so I'm gonna give it a whi
Things I love...
1. Kisses from my grandbaby Rosie.
2. A good cup of hot tea in the morning, preferably orange.
3. My sister Denise...Happy Birthday Sweetie...
4. A good book and a rainy day...
5. My i-pod...LOVE my music!! I have a little bit of everything in there!!
6. A good comedy...I love to laugh!!
7. Trivia games...I always win...
8. My cat, Daisy...she knows when I need cuddle time...
9. Scrapbooking...an easy way for me to be "artistic"!
10.Stuffed Cabbage...YUMMY!!
11.Blog surfing...I have met some wonderful people this way...
12.My family...they accept me for who I am...and love me anyway, lol!
13.To learn new things...you should learn something new every day.

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Rosie's first Christmas...

2009-12-26T19:06:00.000-08:00

Christmas was pretty good this year. I missed my mom and Denise a lot...cooking in Mom's kitchen without her is really weird! I just don't know if I will ever really like the holiday season again. It was so much my Mom's favorite time of year and my parents made it so special for us. I can't get used to the fact that they aren't here with us.

So anyway...our plans got all turned around this year. I won't go into detail, but nothing happened the way it was supposed to, but it turned out OK. I think that my problem is I want the day to flow like it always did, and with so many splits to the family now, it is just impossible. I've decided that next year, I am only going to make plans to see my granddaughter and my Dad. Everybody else can kiss my butt!! LOL!!!

The baby learned to open gifts, and was fasinated by the process. She wasn't really too interested in the presents, but liked pulling the paper off. I didn't go too crazy on the presents, although I did buy her a winnie the pooh bear and a snow white bear. They were soo cute!!

I didn't do to bad myself...my son and dil gave me an i-pod touch, which I have salivated over for months!!! My i-pod is so old! I also got a george foreman grill and new pots and pans, so no excuses on not being able to make healthy dinners, lol. My cousin gave me a "Grandma" plaque which is really cute and I also got a silver bracelet that has roses on it.

We went to Fullerton to see my Dad and have dinner with him, like I said, it is weird to be in the house on Christmas without my Mom. He didn't want to decorate or anything, so none of her Christmas stuff was out. He said maybe next year. Since that is what he said last year, I have a feeling that those days are over. I know it is harder on him than he admits to me.

So that was it. We were home by 8 and I was glad. I am so over trying to do too much on Christmas. This year taught me a valuable lesson on taking time for what is important and letting the rest go.

Christmas...

2009-12-21T09:50:00.001-08:00

This is the Grandprincess's official Christmas picture. I love it. Love the dress, her smile, everything. My son's first picture you can totally tell he was screaming his head off 10 seconds before they took the picture. I have taken so many pictures of her, I think she almost knows to pose now, LOL...

So, I guess I wasn't very good about blogging every day. I suck...but there are days where there is really nothing new to report, lol. I was able to scratch somethings off my to do list. I made my scrapbook that will be a present. I am officially done shopping. Hubby dragged me to Walmart on Saturday, but now I am REALLY done!! I was so proud of the fact that I hadn't gone to walmart for any of my shopping, and that's where he wants to go...everytime I drag myself there, I hate it more and more. Rude people, rude staff, things just thrown where ever, and I swear they truck in random children just to have them clog up every isle by just standing there. (Bah humbug~!!~)

Now comes the job of wrapping. I swear we said we were gonna cut back this year, but I have presents in every room of the house. And of course, I didn't go overboard with Rosie!!! Oh well. Once I start, I'll get in the spirit of it. I'm hoping that I can do the wrapping today and tomorrow, Clean on Wed., and make the tamales and bake Thursday. So, if I don't blog again till after Christmas, I am really busy...

Hope everyone has a very special Holiday!!!

Xmas decorations

2009-12-09T21:51:00.000-08:00

Almost forgot to write today. My life really is boring...today we got down the xmas decorations...tomorrow, if the baby comes over it will be late aternoon, so in the morning I am going to deep clean the front room and start putting up some of the decorations. First, I'm going to sleep in, lol...I have missed that so much. I like getting up at 6:45, it is good practice for when I go back to work, if I can't get a night position, but I really miss sleeping in...

Quick

2009-12-08T19:52:00.000-08:00

Just a very quick post...it is so cold in the computer room I can't stand it!!! Got started on the Christmas cards...I'm excited. I'll do the ones that won't include a letter first, then I need to write my letters and send off the rest of them.

No rain for tomorrow...but it is supposed to be cold again...that's OK...I'd rather be cold than hot, lol...

200th post

2009-12-07T22:28:00.000-08:00

Today is my 200th post. Wish I had something really wise or cool to say, but it's really more of the same old stuff. I would like to thank the one or two people who read my blog, it is nice to know there are people who can relate to my crazy thoughts on life and all.

Today was sooo cold. And rainy. My back and leg have hurt all day. I finally took some motrin around 5 and it helped a little. I love this kind of weather, especially when I can stay inside, but my body is getting old...LOL...

Today I really didn't do much of anything. I had the baby and didn't want to take her out in this cold. I did receive a couple of gifts that I ordered through the mail, and I made a photo book of Rosalyn's first year (or 8 months, lol) for my Dad for xmas. He is so hard to buy for, I thought this would be different. I thought about doing one of his and my mom's life together, but I'm thinking it might still be too soon for that.

So tomorrow is going to be the only sunny day here this week, so I'm going to try to get a lot of my errands done tomorrow. We'll see how my back holds up...

Chilly Sunday

2009-12-06T21:16:00.000-08:00

It is really cold here in So. Cal. Right now it is 50 degrees and we are waiting for the rain. It is supposed to start sometime after midnight. The local news station already has us on "storm watch". LOL...

I went out today to try to finish up my shopping. I went to World Cost Market, Bed, Bath and Beyond, joann's, Rite aid and stater's. Got a couple of presents, but I'm not done yet...it's kind of annoying. I REALLY wanted to finish it up today, but oh well. Tomorrow I'm going to make a list of what I need to finish and hopefully can knock it out this week sometime.

I also need to get down to see my Dad. I wanted to go today, but he wasn't feeling very well, so we made plans for later in the week. I need to get a little house cleaning done for him and get his flannel sheets on the bed.

I'm kind of pooped...and the baby will be here first thing in the morning, so this will be a short post tonight.

update

2009-12-06T09:20:00.000-08:00

So I've realized I'm kinda a hypocrite. Other people whose blogs I read sometimes say they will stop writing cause things are boring in their lives or they just don't have anything to say, and I will always write back that they have to keep at it, things are ok, it's theraputic, etc. I am looking at my blog, realizing that I have done the same thing. I don't write everyday cause my live REALLY is boring, I REALLY don't have anything to say, etc. LOL... I am going to make a commitment to write something everyday from now till Dec. 31. (I know...but I have to take things small...) There really is no excuse. I get on the puter everyday anyway to check my FB and myspace...

It is the 6th of Dec. and I am almost done xmas shopping. I have about 5-6 more presents to buy and I am DONE!!! I am so excited. I have never been done this early, of course I've always had to juggle work and xmas prep every year, too. This is only the 2nd xmas since I've worked (20 yrs...) that I have had off. Well, I think I'll have it off, I go back to the DR. the 15th, but I don't think he'll send me back till after the new year. That is the other motivation...if he does send me back, the biggest portion of prep will be done. It is supposed to rain most of all this week, so I figure I can finish my cards, wrap some, if not most, of the presents I have, I start cleaning the house for xmas eve.

It feels a little funny, almost child-like, to feel the Christmas spirit again. It has been 3 years since I was kind of excited for Christmas. I know 99% of that is because of Rosie. I am so thankful that she has come into my life.

OK...off to start my day...hope you all have a beautiful Sunday...

Why I love Target...

2009-11-11T18:58:00.000-08:00

Today I had the whole day to myself...slept a little later, went shopping, and generally just laid around the house. Nothing really exciting.

I went to Target. I LOVE Target, lol...lucky that there is a Target 10 minutes from my house, LOL. I was able to skip a trip to the grocery store, the video store, the book store and the pet store. Was able to get it all there. I bought the neccesities, laundry soap, tp, some x-mas smelling candles and trash bags. Also got stuff for the cat, kitty litter, food and a new toy. Then it was "me" shopping. I bought the dvd UP, the GLEE cd, the Hungry Girl book, a computer game, 2 pairs of really cute x-mas socks, a light-up penguin for outside, and some penguin hand towels. Oh, and 2 magazines. All for under $100.00. EVERYTHING was on sale!!! That is why I LOVE Target!!!!! Sometimes I think it would be great to work there, but then I think I'd just spend my whole check there...

I also decided 2 days ago to begin some sort of health improvement plan. Sunday I fell down in the front yard. HARD!!! I am still sore from it and I have a huge bruise on my elbow. I know it is time. I'm not doing a "diet" per say. I know enough to know that being "on a diet" won't work for me. So I am taking the best of several plans that I have used in the past and kinda putting my own plan together. More fresh fruits and veggies. Only good carbs, no more white stuff. No soda. 8 glasses of water a day. I also decided to not use artificial sweeteners. If I need sweet (like for tea) I will just use sugar, only in moderation. I go to the DR. next week so I will talk exercise then. For right now, I am just doing some walking around the house and yard and I am looking into chair exercises. That is something I was starting to explore the last time I fell off the wagon. Bottom line is I need someting doable for me, if I am gonna stick to it. Wish me luck...

bad blogger

2009-11-02T01:03:00.001-08:00

So this is my little family as the Flintstones. I thought they look adorable!!! I can't believe that DIL got my son to wear that !!! We had a good Halloween. A decent number of kids came to the house, I only had a few pieces of candy left, and got to see my little grandprincess.

I know I've been a bad blogger of late, and I will try to do better. The big problem is that my life is really boring and I am tired of whining about my medical problems. I think the 3 people who read this blog are tired of reading about it too...

I have been babysitting lately. The grandprincess has an ear infection and daycare won't take her if she is sick, so I'm filling in. It has been fun, and since she isn't walking yet, I'm not on my feet a lot.

I also started on an art journal. I will post some pics in a day or two. I've done 3 pages so far, I've been using watercolors. I really like the act of painting, but have NO talent for it, so don't expect much, LOL. I also have a ton of ideas for scrapbooking, but I have to clean up my area a little bit...OK,OK...a LOT!!! I've been sketching out my ides so I don't forget them which is also something new for me.

Well, it's after 1 am and I'd better get myself off to bed...

10 things about me...

2009-09-27T15:08:00.000-07:00

The reason for keeping a journal or blog, I think, is to have a keepsake of things that were going on in your life at the time it was being written. For me it helps to put things down, where i can see them. I am a visual person, so seeing something in black and white helps me focus on the problem and come up with a solution. It also helps me to focus my thoughts. My mind is always going 1000 miles a minute with all kinds of things, and writing down the important stuff leaves more room for the not so important stuff. Another reason I like to write things down is release. Once it is on paper (or computer screen) I can let it go, to fly out into the cosmos, to do it's magic. I had the idea today to write down 10 things about me that are true today, Sept. 27, 2009. It might be kinda fun to look back in a year and see how things have changed...

I have not worked in 6 months because of a disease called cellulitis. It is on my lower left leg, around my ankle. It is basically an open sore that is infected and oozy. So far nothing has really worked to cure it.
I have been married for 26 years this Novemeber. I have one son and one grandbaby.
Since my Mom died, Aug. 12,2008, I feel like I have no compass. I feel like I am just dangling in the wind, not knowing which way to go.
I love to read, and lately I've had plenty of time. My passion right now is autobiograghies. I have read (and paid waaayy too much for) books by Kathie Lee Gifford, Tori Spelling, Marie Osmond, and Melissa Gilbert.
I am really interested in starting an art journal. I'm not sure why, I don't think I have any real talent, and I have NEVER worked with paint before, but it looks really interesting, so I might take a shot at it. Who knows, I could be the next...Georgia O'Keefe...LOL...
I love cats. If (or when) I live alone, I will be the lady with 100 cats. Right now, I am allowed one, cause of hubby and his aversion to cat hair, but mark my words, there will come a day when you will see me on the news crying cause my neighbors ratted me out to animal control.
One day I want to own a cottage on the beach. That is my life's goal. To retire somewhere on the beach and not have to do anything but walk on the beach everyday if i want to. I love the smell, the wind, the stickiness of the salt, everything . For some reason the beach and the water rolling in and out calm me down. I always feel refreshed and at peace after.
I am a clutter bug. I fight this with all my might, but the natural instinct is to have piles and piles of books, magazines, and cd's all around me. And I can tell you, it is true that if my things are in piles, I can find them quicker than if they are put away.
I am actually OK with my weight. I know that for health reasons, I should lose weight, and I do try to eat right and get in some exercise, but in all honesty, if someone told me tomorrow that even at this weight, I would still live to 85 guarunteed, I would be happy with myself.
I am more of a rebel than people imagine me to be. I don't wear a seatbelt. If I want to die going through my windsheild, that is my choice, not the governments. I think that some people are ment to be bigger than others. I don't believe that EVERYONE is supposed to be a size 2 and it infuriates me when it is implied. I don't believe in monagamy per say. I can't imagine going out and having an affair, but I also think that with survival rates these days, it is simply not logical for someone to be with one person forever. Finally, I do not think that Kennedy was shot by one person. I am a complete conspiracy theorist in this case.

Well, those are my 10. Hope I haven't shocked anyone too much. Try it out, sometimes you will be suprised at what comes out of you...

HOW INSURANCE COMPANIES SUCK...

2009-09-24T21:01:00.000-07:00

Last night I could not sleep. My leg was killing me. Not pain this time, but itching. Because it is wet, and it seems like no amount of bandages can keep it dry, it itches all the time and I am slowly going insane. So seriously...not one little bit of shut eye. I would lay there for 10-15 minutes, one time made it to a whole hour, and finally the itching would do me in, and I would have to get up. Tonight I am not even really tired. I think at 10 I'm taking some tylenol pm and hopefully I make it through project runway. If not, oh well. I'll catch it in a re-run.

So I called the insurance co. about switching Drs. They have a company policy that they do not change drs in the middle of a treatment. Even if that treatment isn't working. Even if the insured threatens malpractice. I've already been denied a new dr. I applied Tuesday. I wish all my insurance transactions were that quick. How come I have to wait 6 weeks for the well-woman refferal, but they can deny me a new dr in 1 day???? So I have decided to play thier game. My next appointment is Monday. When I go to the dr, I am going to demand he send me to the hospital for iv antibiotics. When he refuses, I'm going to go home, and then at 5 pm when urgent care opens, I'm going in. I am 99% sure THEY will send me to the emergency room. Then, all secondary care is handed out by the hospital instead of the dr. I have to wait till Monday, if i can, because the insurance co. wants to give the dr every opportunity to do the right thing. HE'S HAD SIX MONTHS!!!!! How long does he need??? To appeal the denial, it could take 60-90 days. Are you freakin serious??? And I can't figure out why I've been so depressed lately???

On a good note, I finally saw my Rosie today. I haven't seen her since Saturday. That was hard...she is sooo adorable. I know I'm biased, but she is. And now she is 6 months. I can't believe how time is flying by. I also saw my Dad. We went out to lunch. it was fun...

wishes...

2009-09-23T14:19:00.000-07:00

a friend on another blog posted about wishes. http://alifeunrehearsed2.blogspot.com/ Check it out. Maybe this is what I am missing. Something to look forward to, something to aim for, something to dream about. Here are my wishes, in no paticular order:
1) Have a cottage on the beach.
2) to have one of my layouts in a magazine.
3) to have fun writing again.
4) to have my own library.
5) to have lots of pets.
6) to have more grandkids to spoil.

I like my list. Some of these things are attainable, someday.

embarrassed

2009-09-23T12:56:00.000-07:00

That last post is soo embarrassing. I am sorry. I have so many blessings, I just don't take the time to count them each day. Things could be so much worse, and for many people are worse. I need to step back and think before I just start writing whatever comes to mind. Thank you Lori for the very kind words. I was more embarrassed this morning when I went to delete the post and realized that someone had a chance to see it first.

why???

2009-09-22T21:44:00.000-07:00

**This is a whiney blog...you are forewarned...**

Why are men so stupid? Why is being married so hard? Why do I have to sacrifice everything I like for the sake of the "marriage" but he doesn't have to give up anything? Why when I am sick, it's my fault, but when he's sick, I'm supposed to be nursemaid? Why am I such a doormat and why don't I stick up for myself more? Why do I let myself get to this point of frustration and not say anything? Why do I stay married if I am so miserable? Why did I think being married was so great in the first place? Why didn't I go to college and do something with my life? Why do I think it's too late?

cards and things

2009-09-14T01:01:00.000-07:00

Some things I worked on this week:

This is the first ever card I have made. I cheated a little bit cause the white part of the card is a pre-made 4x6 notecard I found at walmart and I just added the decorations. The background paper is DCWV and it already has the adhesive on the back, I LOVE that, the accent papers are also DCWV, blossoms and butterflies colection and the butterfly I believe is KC and Co. I really liked how all the elements just came together...of course, I know I need loys of practice, but for a first attempt, I'm pretty proud of myself...
This is a layout of my Mom and me, the picture was taken on her 50th birthday, about 15 years ago. You can tell it's old, we both look like babies, LOL. It is one of the few pictures I have of us together. The paper is the new Prima, it is already sewn, and I LOVE it!! I wrote her a little note, I've been missing her a lot lately, but I WILL be alright! The roses are Martha Stewart, from walmart also.

Just a little side note here...don't be afraid of the camera. I know because I am fat, I really don't like my picture taken, but now, as I look for pictures with my loved ones, they don't exsist and that breaks my heart. In the long-run, it doesn't matter how someone looks, just that you have the memory of the time you spent together.

Time for a change??

2009-09-07T14:03:00.000-07:00

There are things going on in my life right now that I am not happy with. The question is, what am I going to do to make it better? Once I know the answer to that question, the next question is will I be able to do what is neccessary to make that change happen?

Here's the thing...I don't want to die 20-25 years from now not having done things that I want to do. In my current situation, that is exactly what is going to happen. Not just because of my weight, let's face it, it is going to be really hard to backpack at Yosemite at 350 lb, but because of relationships that I am in at the moment.

I am really questioning whether I want to stay married or not. Don't be shocked...my marriage has been on rocky ground for a while, I just didn't want to do anything to make it all crumble down. Now, I'm thinking maybe it's time to throw that rock and see what survives the oncoming avalanche. I married very young, 18, and I am really starting to feel sufocated. I am tired of having to always put my wants and desires to the back of the table cause I have to cater to him. I know some of this is my fault. I let him boss me around for years. I didn't feel like I was good enough or smart enough to make any descision on my own, so I always deffered to him.

So here I am, not really knowing where to go next, what is the next step to take. Do I want to be alone at 44 yrs of age. Do I want to start all over again, not being in the best of health? Do I even know what it is I'm looking for?

Things to think about...

Cousins

2009-08-28T20:07:00.000-07:00

This is my newest layout of the grandprincess and her cousins. The picture was taken when we went to see the ducks 2 weeks ago over at the park. I really love the picture, it reminds me of our kids when they were little. My cousin and I are very close. There were times in our teenage years where we were inseperable. We have done everything together. She has 2 kids, a girl and a boy and I have the one son. When they were little I made it a point to stay connected to my cousin and her family, beause someday it would be just my son, without us, his parents. Since he didn't have brothers and sisters, I wanted to make sure that he had a bond with his cousins. I think I have accomplished that goal. Now, it is the next generation of cousins. My Grandprincess is in the middle and my cousins grandprince and princess are on either side of her, kids of my cousin's daughter. (Her son hasn't had kids yet, but I've been assured they are working on it, LOL) I love seeing all these babies in the family. My other cousin also has a little girl, almost 18 months, and their sister is going to be induced tomorrow. She's having a girl. Christmas this year is gonna be GREAT!!! Of course, I wish my Mom was here to see all the babies, especially the grandprincess, but I keep reminding myself that she is our special guardian angel up in Heaven and is keeping tabs on all of us.

only the names have been changed...

2009-08-25T20:26:00.000-07:00

It has been brought to my attention that I should not be using my granddaughter's real name on my blog, that it could set her up for some kind of miscreant or bad episode. In all honesty, that thought had never occured to me. It really boggles my mind the world we live in sometimes, but I got the point, thank you very much...henceforth she will be known as the grandprincess.

Thanks to all my sparkfriends who stopped by my blog to look at my challenge layout, it means a lot. There are such talented people out there, sometimes I think my attempts are so sophmoric.

Today has gone by in kinda a blur...I had to get up VERY early to take hubby to work, and could not go back to sleep when I got home. Right now I'm fighting a headache, si I think I will going to bed very soon, LOL.

Monday,Monday...

2009-08-24T20:40:00.000-07:00

This is my little princess at 5 months old. I can't believe that she is that old now. Imagine how I will feel when she is 5 years old...like an old woman, lol. We've been trying to take a picture of her on every month "birthday" because at the end of the year I am going to do a scrapbook of her first year. I didn't get into scrapbooking till a couple of years ago, so I never did all the cute baby layouts for my son. This makes up for it!!
This layout if my hubby and the princess on Father's Day. We had a little impromtu BBQ out in the backyard that day. Just some carne asada and grilled chicken and some potato salad. I just really lov this picture of the two of them. Hubby loves this little girl so much. For such a "man's man' he is such a pushover for little kids, especially cute ones like the princess. I did this layout for the spark challenge to "use an owl" in your layout. The paper is "Forest Friends" by colorbok and I LOVE it!!!

Today was pretty uneventful, I was supposed to go to the doctor, but the appointment got cancelled. I have to set up a new one. I've been thinking about re-arranging my room, so maybe I'll do that tomorrow...

feeding the ducks

2009-08-18T22:32:00.000-07:00

This is my little daring, the grandprincess. We went out to see the ducks at Fairmount Park today. We went with my cousin and her daughter and 2 grankids. Her granddaughter is the oldest at 18 months and a beauty. She really got a kick out of seeing the ducks, feeding the ducks, and running after the ducks, LOL. To see more pics, click on my facebook badge.

This is the grandprincess and her Mommy getting a little too close...those ducks were hungry!!! Now this is probably gonna sound stupid, but we weren't really sure if these were ducks or geese. I am pretty sure that geese are white, but they seemed awfully big to be ducks. All in all we had a good time. As a bonus I got in some major walking, which is good.

This week is shaping up to be pretty busy...today the park, tomorrow we are going to see my Dad. (My son, the baby and me.) Then on Thursday I am going to a craft show with my cousin...more walking, and a chance to find something cute and one-of-a-kind.

shopping, shopping, shopping...

2009-08-16T23:04:00.001-07:00

So today I did a little shopping, both at the store and online. I love to go out and see things, pick them up, feel them, in this case, smell them. I bought this little beauty at cvs. It is essence of beauty citrus coconut mist spray. I also got the lotion. Can I tell you it smells like heaven!!! It reminds me of the smell of suntan oil I used to use as a kid trying to get a tan. (All I ever did was burn, peel, repeat, LOL) I LOVE it. When I first put it on, I expected to feel oily, that's how good it smells, LOL. Very fresh and clean. It is hard for me to but new fragrances because a lot of scents give me a headache, so I was very happy that this one didn't. It will be my new summer fragrance, even though summer is almost over.

I also bought a pad of paper. The learning-to write-cursive writing paper. I think it will look sooo cute on a scrapbook page. I must really be starting to think like a scrapbooker, LOL...also in my cart were a teether for the little grand-princess, Vanity Fair...they have a gorgeous picture of Farrah on the cover,a sunflower picture frame with a ladybug, and last, but not least, what I went there for, bandages for my leg. That's why I love cvs...they have a little bit of everything.

I saw this on Etsy and LOVED it. It is called "Catch a Falling Star" and I think it is beautiful. I love everything about it. The colors, the stars, the simplicity. The artist had paintings and prints. I love Etsy. So many cool things that people put their heart and soul into to make this world a little more beautiful. I love to shop online cause you can find the world out there...I also like eBay a lot, same concept...and you can find one-of-a-kind items there too.

Tomorrow I go to the DR. Hopefull there will be some good news...keep your fingers crossed...

One year

2009-08-12T20:12:00.000-07:00

It is so hard for me to believe that it has been a year since my Mom passed. In fact, right about now, at 8:30 pm, I got the call. I don't think that is something I will ever forget. The feeling of helplessness, the fear, the lonliness. The questions. Did she suffer? Did she know it was time? Was she ready?

The big one I can answer. She was ready. She knew that she had done her job here on earth and that it was time for her to go. I try not to think of her as leaving me, more like she had so many things she wanted to take care of, and it is easier as a guardian angel.

I went to Redondo Beach today. She loved the beach. She had moved here from Michigan in the early 1960's and one of her first stops was Huntington Beach. Later, when my Uncle lived out there, we would go a lot in the summer. A few years ago I took her to Redondo Beach and she loved it too. I hadn't realized that she didn't really like the sand, but had put up with it all those years cause she loved the water and she thought we liked the sand. I had to confess that I wasn't big on sand either. That was why I liked Redondo. It has a beautiful pier but also access to the beach if you want to get into the water.

So my son took me out there today. It was a little overcast, but a mild temp. and a nice breeze. We walked to the end of the pier and I had a nice little conversation with her. I immediately felt at peace and knew she was OK. We watched a couple of sailboats off in the distance and some of the people fishing. I wanted to get a picture of the cutest little Asian woman fishing, but she didn't really want to get her picture taken, and I wanted to respect her wishes. (But she was really cute!!)

<

Finding {THE REAL} me...

signs...

I have actually done some scrapbooking!!!!

Thankful...

Growing up...

Sunday Morning

something new...

sick

UUURRRGGGHHH

bored

Weekend

Still here...

Alone

stalling...

My journal

Creative Every Day

Today is the day...

Restoring my soul...

Believe

The power of music

Creative Every Day

A new year...

Challenges...

Another Christmas...

It's begining to look a lot (little) like Christmas...

a new me and a new blog...

this and that

December 1st...

AEDM-Day 30

AEDM-day 29-just a little sketch

AEDM---I'm behind...:(

Happy Thanksgiving

AEDM pages 22-23~~The PICTURES!!!

AEDM--days 22 and 23

a little rant...

AEDM--Day 18

AEDM--Days 16 and 17

AEDM--Day 15

AEDM--Day 14...

AEDM--Day 12...

AEDM__Days 8,9,10,and 11...

30 days of Gratitude--Day 8

30 days of gratitude...day 7

AEDM...Day 6

30 Days of Gratitude Day 6...

AEDM ~~ Day 4

30 days of Gratitude--day 4

30 Days of Gratitude--day 3

Art Every Day...days 2 and 3

30 Days of Gratitide~~day 2~~

30 days of Gratitude

Art Every Day~~Day One~~

Poetry

Isn't it funny...

Art Every Day

Desperately seeking...ME...

Family

last words

it's all in the details...

Sometimes life is too hard...

Nursing home/hospice care

Hope springs eternal...

Hospital

Daddy

Mother's Day

This and that...

Weekend

Feelings

Writing

Fear

Journals

Insulation

Blah...

Thursday Thirteen

A Few Randoms...

not working...

Thursday Thirteen

Thursday Thirteen...

Rosie's first Christmas...

Christmas...

30 Days of Gratitideday 2

Art Every DayDay One