Friday, April 08, 2011

Growing up...

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."
~~E.E. Cummings

I saw this quote the other day and it really resonated with me.  I think when we are kids, you just assume that at a certain age...18 or 21 or 23...you are automatically "grown up" and all of a sudden, you will start acting and thinking as an adult.  You will know what your purpose is, how your life will turn out, what you will contribute to society.  I am 45 years old and I am admitting publically that I have never had that kind of clarity.  I remember in high school, people asking "what do you want to be?" or "What are you gonna study in college?".  I NEVER knew the answer to those questions.  I had no idea what kind of career I wanted, where my passions lay, how I was gonna take care of myself.  I have to admit, it scared me, not having any answers.
At this stage of my life, you would think I'd have answers.  I do not.  And I need to find some.  At 18, I thought I was supposed to be a wife.  So I got married.  27 years later...I'm not such a good wife.  At 20 I thought I was supposed to be a Mom.  So I had my wonderful son.  I am a good Mom...but my son is 25 and a Daddy himself.  Not much to do on my end.  At 25 I thought I was supposed to be a manager.  So I accepted a unit manager job at my place of business.  At first I was a good manager, but years and years of 60-65 hour work weeks, never seeing my family, and the stress of being on-call 24/7 really got to me.  So after being on disability for a year, I quit.  The thought of going back into that stressful environment made me cry...literally.  So...here we are.  I am 45 yrs old and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  I don't know who I really am...and I am not convinced I have the required courage it will take to find out. 
Trying to find out who I am would not only affect me, but those around me.  I'm not sure I am willing to reek that kind of havok on my family.  OK, let's be honest...we are really only talking about one person here.  My hubby.  He is exacting and demanding and set in his ways.  He sees and treats me like a child and for years i let him.  It was reassuring and I didn't have to make decisions about anything.  He handled it all.  And I liked that...then.  Now I just feel smouthered.  I feel like he sucks all of the air out of me.  I hate feeling this way.  I also feel like it's not fair to change the rules in the middle of the game, per say.  It would throw him into a tailspin to start making changes.  I think if I were more happy with myself, then I would be more happy in the relationship. 
So I guess that all I need to figure out is how to become who I really am, find the courage to make that a reality, and try to do it as painlessly as possible. 
Oh...that's all...

3 comments:

  1. I can relate to what you are saying. I am now 50. I still do not know what I want to be when I grow up. But that is ok. I have been reprogramming my mind. I have finally thinking with the help of my spirit.soul And I am learning about myself too. I took a personality test. And it explains why I feel this way. I too am smothered. I too feel I have allowed the ways of others to not allow me to be who I was meant to be.

    I think the breakdown I had last moth was a gift. Through my search for ways to recover. I am finding my self. And I am still in a state of confusion at this moment. But I have been feeding on knowledge that is healing my soul. Sorry if I am not making complete sense.
    But I send you a big hug and lots of love.
    E

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  2. Talk about out and out honesty and being real! I'm proud of you. Just admitting outloud what you wrote here is a huge huge step in the right direction. You go girl.

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  3. So honest, the beauty of truth... thank you for opening your heart!

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Thanks for taking the time to comment...all thoughts and critiques are welcome...xoxoxo