Friday, April 08, 2011

Growing up...

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."
~~E.E. Cummings

I saw this quote the other day and it really resonated with me.  I think when we are kids, you just assume that at a certain age...18 or 21 or 23...you are automatically "grown up" and all of a sudden, you will start acting and thinking as an adult.  You will know what your purpose is, how your life will turn out, what you will contribute to society.  I am 45 years old and I am admitting publically that I have never had that kind of clarity.  I remember in high school, people asking "what do you want to be?" or "What are you gonna study in college?".  I NEVER knew the answer to those questions.  I had no idea what kind of career I wanted, where my passions lay, how I was gonna take care of myself.  I have to admit, it scared me, not having any answers.
At this stage of my life, you would think I'd have answers.  I do not.  And I need to find some.  At 18, I thought I was supposed to be a wife.  So I got married.  27 years later...I'm not such a good wife.  At 20 I thought I was supposed to be a Mom.  So I had my wonderful son.  I am a good Mom...but my son is 25 and a Daddy himself.  Not much to do on my end.  At 25 I thought I was supposed to be a manager.  So I accepted a unit manager job at my place of business.  At first I was a good manager, but years and years of 60-65 hour work weeks, never seeing my family, and the stress of being on-call 24/7 really got to me.  So after being on disability for a year, I quit.  The thought of going back into that stressful environment made me cry...literally.  So...here we are.  I am 45 yrs old and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  I don't know who I really am...and I am not convinced I have the required courage it will take to find out. 
Trying to find out who I am would not only affect me, but those around me.  I'm not sure I am willing to reek that kind of havok on my family.  OK, let's be honest...we are really only talking about one person here.  My hubby.  He is exacting and demanding and set in his ways.  He sees and treats me like a child and for years i let him.  It was reassuring and I didn't have to make decisions about anything.  He handled it all.  And I liked that...then.  Now I just feel smouthered.  I feel like he sucks all of the air out of me.  I hate feeling this way.  I also feel like it's not fair to change the rules in the middle of the game, per say.  It would throw him into a tailspin to start making changes.  I think if I were more happy with myself, then I would be more happy in the relationship. 
So I guess that all I need to figure out is how to become who I really am, find the courage to make that a reality, and try to do it as painlessly as possible. 
Oh...that's all...

Sunday, April 03, 2011

Sunday Morning

So it's Sunday Morning...way to early for me to be up, but seeing as I slept all day yesterday, I can understand why my body said enough with the sleep.  I got sick again Friday night...but thankfully it seemes to have been a 24 hr. bug.  I feel great this morning. 
I've been trying to figure out how I'm gonna spend my day here...it's supposed to be cloudy and a little cold here and Hubby is still in Oakland for work.  My Son and his family went to Disneyland yesterday and stayed till closing, so I don't expect to hear from them until later today, if at all.  So, I will be here all by myself. 
The first thing I have to do is clean up a little.  The front room and the kitchen are a disaster.  Then I need to go run some errands.  Then hopefully, I will have all afternoon to play with the goodies I just got yesterday from Christy Tomlinson's shop.  I bought some stamps, some rub-ons, some great tissue paper, and paper pad, and some lace. 
I really love her class She Art Workshop and can't wait for the art journaling class that starts in May. 
So I guess I will get off here and start getting ready for my day.  Hope you all have a great productive Sunday...
The cross on Mt. Roubidoux, Riverside, California