Wednesday, June 29, 2011

signs...

So those of you who know me know this history, but for new friends that have come by, this is a little background...in 2006, my sister Denise passed away. In 2008, my Mom and a year ago Sunday, my Daddy went to be with them also.
 I have been very rstless the last couple of weeks because the next couple of months I have a lot of important dates to get through, birthdays and such, of people no longer with me. Combine that with the fact that I have the ashes of 3 people to disperse, as per their wishes, but have found myself unwilling to let go. The original plan was to disperse the ashes this year on the 1 year anniversary of Daddy's death, but I got so upset, I decided not to do it. 
Sunday morning, Hubby and I were both up and awake at 5:30 in the morning. We decided to take a drive down to Redondo Beach.  It was very spur-of-the-moment.  I love the beach there...it calms me down...I feel like I can take a deep breathe and let go...like the ocean breeze is breathing new life into me.   We got there by 8:30-8:45 AM. The pier at Redondo is a horseshoe, so we started up the left side, the only business open was the food shack so we got some Hot Chocolate and walked to the end of the pier. You can fish off of the left side of the pier, so we watched the people fishing for a while and then walked a little more to the right and found a bench. I could sit there forever, watching the sailboats in the water, listening to the sea gulls and the sea lions talking, hearing the bell of the buoy. I saw something in the water infront of us and got up and walked to the rail to get a better look. All of a sudden, 2 dolphins jump up out of the water. I was amazed. All the times we've gone there, I have only seen a dolphin once or twice and never two. I thought to myself, wouldn't it be cool if there were another one and it could be a sign that my 3 angels are together and I could let go. As soon as I thought it, there they were again, with a littler dolphin. 3 Dolphins right there in front of us. Then, they were gone. I looked at Hubby and said it's a sign.

I really believe, deep in my heart, that God put those dolphins there for a reason.  If you know me well, you know that i love and collect dolphins, so they have a special meaning for me.  I wish I could describe the sense of peace that I felt after seeing those dolphins.  It was a sense of stillnes and warmth and a calmness of my soul. They are together, they are happy, and they are near. 
Let me say this...I am a christain, I believe in God, I pray, I try to be compassionate to people. I KNOW that my Loved ones are in Heaven with their Maker. I also feel like God knows when we need a little nudge to renew our faith or just give us a little hope. I am taking this as a sign that they are together, happy and well and that it is time for me to be at peace with it and start to move on and live again. That doesn't mean I will ever forget them, cause that will never happen...and it doesn't mean I have to be happy with it, cause I'm not. It just means that I have accepted it. It just means that at last, for the first time since November of 2006 I feel some peace.  I feel some real hope that I can move past this and get on with living, that I can finally start to think of them with joy instead of this overwhelming sadness.







.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

I have actually done some scrapbooking!!!!

I know it's hard to believe...first 2 posts 2 days in a row...and I actually created something!!  My BFF's (my cousin and her daughter) have started getting together once a week for a "crafting" day.  Tomorrow will be week 4.  I love it.  I get to see the girls, the kids get to play and we get to create and chat and have fun.  It has been really nice and I hope we are starting a new tradition!!  I thought I would show you some of the pages I have done.
 This is Rosie playing with bubbles...

                                                    This is her Daddy and Me page...

                                                    This is her first trip to Disney...


                                                     With her Grandpa...
and with Great Grandpa before he passed...

So tomorrow we're off again and I'll have more pages to post later...

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Thankful...

Please pray for all the people affected by the tornados in the mid-west...I can not imagine what they are living through out there.  Makes me very grateful and thankful that my family is safe and sound tonight and I realize that I may have problems, but they are very, very small compared  to what these poor people are having to deal with...
(picture added from ABC news.)

Friday, April 08, 2011

Growing up...

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."
~~E.E. Cummings

I saw this quote the other day and it really resonated with me.  I think when we are kids, you just assume that at a certain age...18 or 21 or 23...you are automatically "grown up" and all of a sudden, you will start acting and thinking as an adult.  You will know what your purpose is, how your life will turn out, what you will contribute to society.  I am 45 years old and I am admitting publically that I have never had that kind of clarity.  I remember in high school, people asking "what do you want to be?" or "What are you gonna study in college?".  I NEVER knew the answer to those questions.  I had no idea what kind of career I wanted, where my passions lay, how I was gonna take care of myself.  I have to admit, it scared me, not having any answers.
At this stage of my life, you would think I'd have answers.  I do not.  And I need to find some.  At 18, I thought I was supposed to be a wife.  So I got married.  27 years later...I'm not such a good wife.  At 20 I thought I was supposed to be a Mom.  So I had my wonderful son.  I am a good Mom...but my son is 25 and a Daddy himself.  Not much to do on my end.  At 25 I thought I was supposed to be a manager.  So I accepted a unit manager job at my place of business.  At first I was a good manager, but years and years of 60-65 hour work weeks, never seeing my family, and the stress of being on-call 24/7 really got to me.  So after being on disability for a year, I quit.  The thought of going back into that stressful environment made me cry...literally.  So...here we are.  I am 45 yrs old and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  I don't know who I really am...and I am not convinced I have the required courage it will take to find out. 
Trying to find out who I am would not only affect me, but those around me.  I'm not sure I am willing to reek that kind of havok on my family.  OK, let's be honest...we are really only talking about one person here.  My hubby.  He is exacting and demanding and set in his ways.  He sees and treats me like a child and for years i let him.  It was reassuring and I didn't have to make decisions about anything.  He handled it all.  And I liked that...then.  Now I just feel smouthered.  I feel like he sucks all of the air out of me.  I hate feeling this way.  I also feel like it's not fair to change the rules in the middle of the game, per say.  It would throw him into a tailspin to start making changes.  I think if I were more happy with myself, then I would be more happy in the relationship. 
So I guess that all I need to figure out is how to become who I really am, find the courage to make that a reality, and try to do it as painlessly as possible. 
Oh...that's all...

Sunday, April 03, 2011

Sunday Morning

So it's Sunday Morning...way to early for me to be up, but seeing as I slept all day yesterday, I can understand why my body said enough with the sleep.  I got sick again Friday night...but thankfully it seemes to have been a 24 hr. bug.  I feel great this morning. 
I've been trying to figure out how I'm gonna spend my day here...it's supposed to be cloudy and a little cold here and Hubby is still in Oakland for work.  My Son and his family went to Disneyland yesterday and stayed till closing, so I don't expect to hear from them until later today, if at all.  So, I will be here all by myself. 
The first thing I have to do is clean up a little.  The front room and the kitchen are a disaster.  Then I need to go run some errands.  Then hopefully, I will have all afternoon to play with the goodies I just got yesterday from Christy Tomlinson's shop.  I bought some stamps, some rub-ons, some great tissue paper, and paper pad, and some lace. 
I really love her class She Art Workshop and can't wait for the art journaling class that starts in May. 
So I guess I will get off here and start getting ready for my day.  Hope you all have a great productive Sunday...
The cross on Mt. Roubidoux, Riverside, California

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

something new...

Well, I know it's been a while...but hopefully it was worth the wait...I finally have some new art to post.  I signed up for Christy Tomlinson's She Art Workshop and then promptly became really sick.  The workshop lasted 3 weeks and I missed it all.  Luckily she is leaving the videos up for 3 months so I can still catch up.  This week I watched week one videos.  I didn't go really crazy on the background as she shows for two reason.  One:  I was really conservative on the rub ons and stamps I bought, not knowing how easy they would be to use.  Two:  I was scared to over do it.  So, I have ordered some more rub ons and stamps because I love using them.  I'm still afaid to over do it, but if I do, oh well...
So this is what I created.  It is in honor of my sister, Denise.  She loved butterflies, ladybugs and the color purple.  I like it, although it doesn't feel quite "finished". 
 This is the far view...

This is the close-up view...
I have many ideas for more girls...I need to buy more canvases!!

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

sick

To all my blogger friends...I am still here...I am just very sick.  It started as a sinus infection that had made it's way down into my jaw, so the whole left side of my face is KILING me.  My ear hurts, my teeth hurt, my throat huts.  Now the Dr. thinks I have pnuemonia.  I can barely breathe and I am hacking up a lung.  I got some meds, so hopefully I'll start feeling better in a day or two. 

Sunday, February 13, 2011

UUURRRGGGHHH

I was going to post a blog about my week...lots of pics and good stuff...
and blogger ate my post.
Now Hubby is in here bugging me about stupid things...
so I can not re-write the post right now...
Hopefully I have some free time tonight and can redo it...
sometimes I strongly dislike blogger...

Sunday, February 06, 2011

bored

I think I may be the only person I know that is not interested in the Super Bowl...I never understood football and at this point in my life...I'm OK with that!!  LOL...So I am sitting here bored because everyone I know is either watching the game, went out for the game, or is throwing a party for the game. 
This week has been LONG.....The big news is we got the final paperwork for the house, so tomorrow I am off to have everything notorized and hopefully this time next week...Scott and Tina will be the official owners of the house in Fullerton.  I really feel OK with this...it is after all the best case scenario, but I am sad too.  I have had dreams about my Daddy now 3 nights in a row.  I don't know if he is trying to tell me something, or if it is just because we are moving forward with the sale. 
I will be posting some pics tomorrow...I went to the antique mall we have here in Riverside and found some special things...a horse figure for Hubby, a porcelian birdie for me and an old children's art book that I think I'm gonna use for an art journal.  It has some wonderful pages of art I think I can incorporate into my style.  (If I have a style...I don't think I do actually...)
ANYWAY...I have a suitcase to pack...Hubby is going away for a least a week for work, maybe longer...(please, please. please...)  We need a vacation away from each other!!!!!!  I've always thought if he were a long distance trucker, we'd have the perfect relationship, LOLOLOLOL!!!

Friday, January 28, 2011

Weekend

So, it's the weekend...I have no plans...I have heard it might rain??  I'm gonna have to check out the Weather channel.
If it doesn't rain, I get to wash clothes...I know, exciting, right??
I'm also thinking of doing a thrift shop run...I would love to do an art journal out of an old book...
see what kind of treasures I can find...
I LOVE thrift shops!!
We used to have an awesome one here in Riverside, but they closed down...
there are others, buy they're not as good, lol...

Also wanted to post some photos. 
I finished a lot of the creative work of Soul Restoration and thought I would share some of the pages.
This is an awesome course...Melody is offering another session in April, I believe...
If you feel the need to find the REAL you...click on the badge and check it out!!
You do not have to be crafty...all of these creative projects can be done very simply.

This is a Truth Card...when I am feeling down or discouraged, these are to remind us we are loved.
This is another Truth Card
This is my Truth Teller...that little voice that knows whats wrong and right
in our lives...we need to listen more.
These are the qualities of my Truth Teller...I have chosen my Mother to be my Truth Teller.
That is the person who knows you the most, loves you the most, and only wants
what is best for you.  I can hear my Mom telling these things to me...

So that's it for now...Today was my sister's 39th birthday...I know they are having a celebration in Heaven!!
I am working on a art journal page for her...hopefully I'll have it done by Monday!


Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Still here...

Just a quick note to say I'm still here...just a lot of life right now going on...trying to finish up on the house in fullerton...paperwork and stuff...so we can transfer title to Scott and Tina...cleaning up here in my little disaster of a house...working on Soul Restoration...so glad I am taking this class...I'll be back with a new post and pictures soon!!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Alone

I don't know why, but i am feeling very alone tonight.  Maybe because when I felt like this before, I could call my Mom and she would get me through it. 
I wish I had some really good close friends.
I have one...and as much as I love her, sometimes it's not enough. 
Sometimes I feel like we are very far apart in the way we see life and things in general.  She is also very "me" oriented sometimes, I don't think she means it, but sometimes, it's annoying.
Sometimes I want people to think about me, without having to tell them.
I don't know...sometimes I'm pretty sure I'm losing it...

Thursday, January 13, 2011

stalling...

My journal came yesterday from Amazon and it NOTHING like I thought it was.  I went back and looked at the description and the picture they show is not what I got.  They told me to send it back and they'll pay shipping.  I have decided to just use a spiral notebook I have here at the house.  I was thinking about it and I am REALLY new to art journaling.  I think I will be more comfortable just writing out the prompts and my responses and not worry about using paints and things.  If I want to decorate the pages, I can use colored pencils or markers or stickers or whatever!!  It is all good.
I think I was making such a big deal out of the journal because I was scared to start...after all, that is the meat of the project...getting inside your head and your heart and fixing all the negative thoughts.  It terrifies me!!!   I know it must be done...so I will suck it up and I commit to writing 2 journaling prompts tonight before I go to bed...

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

My journal

Well...it turns out I can share some pictures about my Soul Restoration journal. 
This is the cover of my journal.  I wanted something simple that i wouldn't have to worry about coming off, so I remembered this little bird from Donna Downey that I ordered like 2 years ago.  It is a minor miracle that I remembered where it was in the desk.

I am enjoying the class so far.  The general jist is to get rid of all the crap in your head that brings you down.  Melody is very clear in her presentations and so far I have understood how to do everything we need to do. 
I haven't done any of the writing in my personal journal yet...it's not here yet.  It is supposed to be delivered today...but it's almost 5 pm and nothing yet. 


Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Creative Every Day

Here is my creative every day journal page for this week...my One Little Word for 2011 is BELIEVE. 
I journaled about the things I need to believe about myself...
I really like the way this one turned out...
I used a watercolor wash of red and purple for a background.  I found  stamp at Mike's with my word on it and stamped it using acrylic paint.  Used the same paint with a stencil for the top of the page.  My girl is from a Papyrus Card.  I used white gel pens and sharpie pens for the doodles and writing. 
I have decided to probably do one project a week.  It takes me 2-3 days to do a journal page so I can get at least one page done...

As for Soul Restoration...I will not be sharing a lot of pictures and info here after all.  A lot of the information is copywrited and after watching a couple of the videos it has been mentioned and I am seeing the truth to the fact that this information is very personal.  It is for me to learn and grow from and that is a private matter...between me and me...

Today is the day...

Today is the start of Soul Restoration.  I am so excited to start!!  I got my login info but I'm going to wait just a little before I check out the site...I'm sure there was a big rush of people logging in at 11:11 am...don't want to crash the site,lol...
I also realized that I forgot to buy the index cards...silly me.  I'm gonna scrounge around here and see what I can find to use as a replacement...I have so much stuff there has to be something I can use, lol.
I went to Michaels yesterday and bought a few more supplies...a couple more bottles of paint, some brushes, some embellishments, some white sharpie paint pens for journaling. 
I'll be back after I check out the site and let you know how it is going...

Friday, January 07, 2011

Restoring my soul...

Starting on January 11th...I will participating in an online class called
"SOUL RESTORATION"
It is taught by Melody Ross from Brave Girls.
I am soo excited for this to start.  I have already met some wonderful women who will also be taking the class and my wonderfully talented friend, Bonnie Rose is also taking it.
The main reason I signed up was the promise to find myself again.
We are all defined by our circumstances.  As women we are "wife, mother, daughter, sister, boss, employee,married, widowed, divorced, etc."
I have been all of these things. (except the last two...)
Now I am" in mourning. "
My soul is tired of this.  I have been "in mourning" for 4 years.
Some people think that i am not giving my Daddy the respect he desrves because I am ready to move on and it has only been 6 months since he passed.
I have NOTHING but respect for my Father.  
I feel like I can move on because I know he is happy again,  he is with my sister and my Mother and his mother.
The year and a half that he was here without my mother was soo terribly hard on him.   He had lost his soulmate, his heart, his reason for living.  I understand that.
They are together and it is time for me to move on.
My Mother would LOVE that I am taking this course.  She always supported us in any artistic endevour (sp) we undertook.  My Mother was great at stuff like that.  She could sew, paint, knit, crochet, quilt, and loved plactic canvas.  She taught me how to embroider and cross stich.
I love all the labels I have...Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sisiter...
I just want to add another one...
EVELYN.
ME.

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Believe

A lot of people do this thing where they pick a word and use it as their MANTRA all through the new year.  I had heard of this, but never practiced it. 
This year I wanted to try it.
I played with Authentic...meaning I wanted to lead an AUTHENTIC life, being true to who I really am.
The trouble with that one is...I don't KNOW who I am right now...
Then I tried LIVE...as in TO LIVE.
I have been in mourning for so long, I felt like I wasn't really living anymore.
But, it just didn't seem to flow very well.
The word that keeps coming to mind is
BELIEVE...
I want to believe so many things...I NEED to believe so many things.
1) My Angel family are togother and happy
2) God has a purpose...even if I can't see it.
3)I CAN get my life back to some semblence of normal.
4)I have a purpose...even if I can't see it.
5) There IS light at the end of this tunnel.
So my word is BELIEVE.
BELIEVE.

The power of music

I have new music on the blog...I LOVE music.  I can listen to almost anything, my tastes are very ecclectic.  I love 70's (my decade, lol), love 80's, love old country, just everything.  On my ipod I have so many different artists:Johnny Cash, ELO, Seether, Glen Miller, Justin Timberlake, Merle Haggard, Pink, Kelly Clarkson, Journey, STYX, INXS, Glen Cambell, AC/DC...so many others...I love rock...music that can make me move and scream at the top of my lungs.  I love country...where I can sing and cry a little.  I love rap...where I can just laugh cause I can't keep up with the words.  I love big bands where I can just listen and imagine another world.  What I love the most are the 80's arena bands.  Especially STYX!!!  God, I played Cornerstone and Paradise Theater until the grooves on the records were run down.  (YES...I said RECORDS!!!)
When I start looking for music to download, I always think of STYX.  When Paradise Theater came out, I was starting my first year of high school.  At the 1st pep rally, the cheerleaders danced to Best Of Times.  I can't tell you how much I loved this abulm.  My sister, Denise was about 8 at the time.  She HATED this abulm.  We had to share a bedroom and since I was the oldest, the record player was MY possesion.  I played this record 10 times a night.  When my parents weren't home??  FULL BLAST!  Let's just say that we fought about that record all the time.  She even tried to throw it away one time...
Fast-forward about 15 years.  I was at Fullerton spending a Sunday afternoon visiting and my Mom decided she wanted some KFC.  Denise and myself volunteered to go get it and we went in her van.  We are driving down the street and I start looking at her cd collection.  She had the usual stuff that she liked, some rap, some christian rock, a couple of movie soundtracks...and there in the very back of the cd wallet...Paradise Theater by STYX!!!  I couldn't believe it.  When I asked her about it, she said simply,"I grew to like it because you liked it so much..."  Believe it or not, that is one of my best memories of us.  It amazed me that I had influenced her taste in music in some small way.  When she passed, that was one of things I had to have, her cd of Paradise Theater.  When I play it now, I feel a special connection to her.  That is the power of music.  It transforms you to another time or place, bringing back memories that are so special.

Monday, January 03, 2011

Creative Every Day

So the start of the new year has been a crazy one!!  This weekend was very hectic, but now Monday has returned and so has the routine...

Here are the pics for Creative Every Day...
This is Jan. 1st.  I did a background of watercolors, used some white gesso to make a pattern and added a graphic from The Graphic's Fairy website.  Had to stop there to let everything dry.
This was how I finished it on Jan. 2nd.  Wrote down my commitments for this year...and added some color to some of the pattern.  I also Mod Podged the graphic down.

In all honesty, I'm not really happy with it, but it's because to me, it looks like a kid could have done it.
Then I remember, I have only been using some of these tecniques for a very short time, less than 2 months...so in a way, I am a kid when it comes to this. 
The journal is to practce in and learn, so I guess it's OK.
I also do most of my painting late at night, so I might get a bit sloppy at times...

Saturday, January 01, 2011

A new year...

Just want to wish all my peeps a happy new year!!!
I should have pics tomorrow of my 1st art journal everyday and creative everyday entry. 
(just waiting for it to dry...)

Challenges...

This year I want to create more art. Art journaling, watercolors, and some canvas. I need to just let myself go and DO IT!! I get stuck on how should it look or it won’t be good enough. I need to gag my inner critic and just start creating.  That is one of the reasons I joined a couple of challenges.  To get me into action.  I know that not everything i do is gonna be a masterpiece, but nothing will be if I don't JUST DO IT!!