I've been thinking a lot about things, my life, my purpose, my beliefs...I suppose it is natural, another New year is close upon us...that wonderful time of year where you inspect every fine detail of your life over the last year, decide you are a useless human being, and make all kinds of grand commitments for the New year.
I have decided that this year, that will not be me!!
The year that I lived, 2010, was exactly the way I was supposed to live it.
I mean, it had to be, right??
All the desicions were mine, all the actions or inactions were my decisions. The choice to not exercise and make an attempt to get healthier was mine. The choice to not go back to work was mine. Participating in AEDM in November was my decision. The choice to take my Father off of the respirator was mine. The choice to surround myself with the people I do is mine.
I EXCEPT THOSE DECISIONS...
Now is the time to look ahead...2011...the thing about 2010 is...I had to make decisions. Anyone who knows me well knows that is not my strong point. I did not want to be held responsible for the fallout of my decisions, so I didn't make any...problem solved...
2011 will be a better year because I can now make a decision and accept the consequences...good or bad. AEDM showed me a lot. It helped me get my inner-artist moving again, but more importantly, it showed me I can make a commitment and stick to that commitment.
I have decided to make a commitment to 3 things this year.
1) I will make a commitment to eating healthier and getting in some type of exercise 5 out of 7 days this year. I know I can do this. I've done it before. Now I am making a commitment to do this. I want to be around for a few more years and there are things I want to do. I want to go to Disneyland with my Granddaughter. I want to go to a Brave Girls camp. I want to visit my Aunts in Kentucky and Indiana and family that i still have in Detroit. What is the point of living, if you are so sick and overweight that you can't leave the house???
2) I am making a commitment to Creative Every Day. This is the big sister to AEDM. I am making a commitment to do something creative 4 out of 7 days. I know I can't do it 365 days a year, that kind of pressure would kill me...but this I can handle. I want to practice and develop more artistic skills. I feel so much calmer when I am creating, and I love seeing the completed pieces. I'm sure to many they are silly, but to me, they are amazing because often I am suprised that I could do that.
3)My third commitment is to be a better person. The last couple of years have been very hard on me. I counted the other day and I have lost 7 very close family members since 2006, including my Sister, Mom, and Dad. I realize that i am not the only person going through loss like this, but for me, this was almost too much to handle. I'm not going to lie anymore...it has been damn hard...there was more than one occasion that I was ready to chuck it all in and join my family. I have never said this outloud to anyone, but there were two very specific occasions where I wanted to and was ready to die. I didn't want to be here, in this life, in this reality, anymore. In my own personal misery, I let friendships go. I let favorite charities go. I let family members go. I couldn't be bothered. I was mad and scared. I didn't want to give my all to anything. Sometimes I couldn't...other times I wouldn't. I figured if I kept everything inside, bottled up, I couldn't get hurt anymore.
All that did was make me a mean, cynical, selfish person to be around. I don't want to be like that anymore. It really isn't my nature, and being mad all the time is tiring!!! Im never realized how much energy it takes to be mad.
So, those are my commitments. Given that i am going to be changing some major things in my life, I thought it would be a good time to change the look of the blog. On January 1st, my blog will have a new name, something more positive for the new year, and hopefully a new look if I can figure out the templates, LOL...
I am looking forward to the next 12 months and I am excited to start taking my life back...I really hope my 3 or 4 readers will continue with me. It should be interesting!!