Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Hospital

Things are not looking good for Daddy.  Now his heart is getting weaker and his lungs are full of fluid.  I authorized a Do Not Recisitate (sp) order this afternoon.  If his heart hold up, I then get to make the desicion to keep him on a machine to do his breathing for him or to take him off and let nature take it's course.  It is a hard,hard choice, but in the long run, I know that he does not want to be kept alive on a machine.  I talked to his sisters and to my uncle and we all think (know) that this is the right choice.  And it SUCKS!!!!

The family I have here has been great and I don't want to take anything away from them, but I can't help but feel alone.  There will be noone to remember all of our little family moments, to know our history as a family.  I feel very alone.  Uncle Ken says it is OK to be mad that they left and put me in this position, but I still feel guilty.  I know that they didn't leave cause they wanted to...I know it wasn't up to them, that God has a bigger plan, but come on...I think maybe I've had enough...it might be time to pick on somebody else's family for a while...as bad as that sounds.  i don't wish harm on anyone.

I know I'm not making any sense now, so i will try to go to sleep now...sleep has not been my friend lately...something tells me that it may be a stranger for a while...

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