Wednesday, June 30, 2010

last words

The last words my Daddy said to me were "I love you too, Baby..." as he was being taken into surgery 3 weeks ago today...June 9, 2010...

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

it's all in the details...

Most of the arrangements are made, I have little odds and ends to do for the memorial service, but other than that it is done.  Tonight I picked the music for the service.  I think he'd be happy with the choices.  I decide on:
when people are arriving-
You're my Best Friend by Don Williams (A nod to my Mom)
Hurt by Johnny Cash
I'll Fly away by Johnny Cash
America the Beautiful by Lee Greenwood (The service will be military themed...he was a vetran so there will be Milirary Honors)

In the middle-
Farther On by Russ Taff

as we are leaving-
Go Rest High Upon that Mountain by Vince Gill
The flowers are military themed, I have the pictures chosen, just had to get copies made, I pick those up on Wed. and the obit comes out Wed.
So far I have been OK.  Because I have had all these details to take care of.  Once Thursday is done...I will be a mess.  I expect it.  Then comes the fun part of going thru his stuff...

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Sometimes life is too hard...

Daddy passed away yesterday in the nursing home.  This time I feel a sense of relief...he isn't suffering anymore.  I don't think he was in any pain, the hospital and the nursing home seemed to understand that that was a priority, but I know those last couple of days he didn't understand what was going on.  He seemed scared.  I also feel badly that I left before he passed.  That he was alone.  The thing that makes me feel better is that Denise and Mommy and his Mother were waiting for him. 

I'm going to miss him terribly.  I wrote once that it was ironic that he and I were the two left because we had the least in common.  I was much closer to my Mom and he was closer to Denise, but now I understand why this happened.  I got to know him a lot better and I was blessed to have that time with him.  Of course, I wish I'd been able to spend more time with him, I wish that I had lived closer to him so I could just go over when ever I felt like it, but in the end, I know he knew that I went over when ever I could, he was OK with that.

In about an hour we have to go make the final arrangement.  I know more or less what i want for the memorial service so it won't be too hard.  The sucky thing is I know everything they are going to ask about having done this so many times before.  This had better be the last one for QUITE a while!!!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Nursing home/hospice care

The dr.s say that there is nothing else they can do for Daddy.  His kidney's are doing OK, he had a couple of bowel movements, (after they told me his bowel was dead...) and he has been off of the respirator for 36 hrs.  So that's the good (sort of) news.  The bad news is his lungs are VERY congested.  His breathing is very labored, but I've been assured that he is not suffering.  He does not respond to us.  He moves his head toward us when we talk to him, or one of the monitors goes off, but he can not respond to commands.  I asked him to blink his eyes if he knew who I was and he didn't.  I asked him to squeeze my hand, and he didn't.  The Dr. asked him to cough, and he didn't.  He also seems afraid and that breaks my heart. 

The Dr.'s said I should consider a nursing home.  The insurance coordinator came and basically no insurance covers nursing home care.  She said we were looking at $5000.00 to get him in and at least that much a WEEK to keep him in.  I do not have that kind of money.  He does, but I don't have access to it.  She told me my only option was in-home hospice.  That scared me to death!!  I don't mind caring for him, but I don't know if I can physically do it.  At this point he can't move at all, so I would have to do everything.  So I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for this when the coordinator called and said that after evaluting him, they will send him to a special nursing home for a couple of days because while the hospital can't help him, he is too medically ill to be at home.  I am sooooooo relieved!!!!  This will give me a couple of days to wrap my mind around this and to line up some help. 

I have got such a headache right now...everybody needs to take 5 minutes and figure out what you want done in the case of someting like this...leaving it to the last minute sucks for the person left in charge!!!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Hope springs eternal...

I got to talk to all of the Dr.'s today...
A) Kidney Dr.~~ Kidney's are doing well, not up to 100% yet, but everyday is an improvement, so no dialysis for now...
B) Surgeon~~ his incisions are healing well, took out a drainage tube, still can not hear any bowel sounds, so we don't know if the surgury was a success or not.  He will give it a couple of more days...
C) Cardiologist~~ Has nothing to add to all of this...(He literally said that too me...not big on bedside manner this one...)
D) Pulmonary Dr.~~ His lungs sound a little clearer, he takes little breathes on his own.  He can be on the respirator for 2 or 3 weeks, not the 10 days that the other Dr. said.  He thinks that trying to ween him off of the respirator before the begining of next week is not possible...
E) ICU Dr.~~ His prognosis is not good.  He had what is called Askeemic (sp?) bowel.  The blood clot blocked the flow of oxygen to his bowels causing them to die.  He said more people do not recover from this than do, and we add in the complication that my Dad's heartbeat is begining to become irregular, so his heart may fail.  I need to be prepared for the worst, but he said that he (Daddy) was a tough old guy and as long as he was fighting, they would do everything in their power to make him better.  I had to go out in the hall to keep myself from kissing this guy!!  (He gets the "A" in bedside manner, although pulmonary Dr. was  a close second...)

I am still staying out in Fullerton, coming home for a couple of hours every other day or so to wash dishes, and clean up a little for Hubby and Rosie...and to check the computer...I bought a HP netbook, but I have to go to Barnes and Noble to use their free WiFi and that's getting expensive...I keep looking and buying more books, LOL...

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Hospital

Things are not looking good for Daddy.  Now his heart is getting weaker and his lungs are full of fluid.  I authorized a Do Not Recisitate (sp) order this afternoon.  If his heart hold up, I then get to make the desicion to keep him on a machine to do his breathing for him or to take him off and let nature take it's course.  It is a hard,hard choice, but in the long run, I know that he does not want to be kept alive on a machine.  I talked to his sisters and to my uncle and we all think (know) that this is the right choice.  And it SUCKS!!!!

The family I have here has been great and I don't want to take anything away from them, but I can't help but feel alone.  There will be noone to remember all of our little family moments, to know our history as a family.  I feel very alone.  Uncle Ken says it is OK to be mad that they left and put me in this position, but I still feel guilty.  I know that they didn't leave cause they wanted to...I know it wasn't up to them, that God has a bigger plan, but come on...I think maybe I've had enough...it might be time to pick on somebody else's family for a while...as bad as that sounds.  i don't wish harm on anyone.

I know I'm not making any sense now, so i will try to go to sleep now...sleep has not been my friend lately...something tells me that it may be a stranger for a while...

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Daddy

My Daddy is in the hospital and not expected to make it out.  I can not believe this turn of events.  Monday I was talking to him on the phone and he was in such good spirits and so excited cause he had gotten Tommy LaSorda's autograph last week.  Now, he's in the hospital, fighting for his life. 

I am sitting here in the kitchen of my Dad's house, watching the girls across the street playing out front.  There are six or seven of them, laughing and playing.  It feels like yesterday that it was Densie and me, Carol and Ann, Kim, John and Ben out there playing.  This neighborhood is so Main Street.  I've had neighbors come and ask about my Dad, it is nice to know that so many people here love him and look out for him.

So, my Dad has had two operations.  The first one took out blood clots blocking his arteries.  The second took out 4 feet of small intestine, some large intestine, his gall bladder, his apendicts, and they had to repair a hole in one of the arteries going to his heart.  He is on a respirator and has at least 5 iv's.  The surgeon was not optimistic in his prognosis.  If anything else goes wrong, there is really no reason to go back in, there;s nothing left to do.  Right now he's been on sedation since Friday night.  Yesterday they tried to take him off, but he got very agitated, so they started it up again.  They will try again tomorrow.  I plan at being at the hospital around 8 am, hopefully I can see the Dr. 

I am so tired, so scared, so ready to hear some good news.  It is nice to know so many people are praying for him and keeping him in their thoughts.  We can use a miracle right about now.