Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Fear

I've been thinking a lot the last couple of days about fear.  This is the 2nd meaning in the online dictionary: 2 archaic : to feel fear in (oneself)


That is where I am at right now.  I feel fear in myself.  I have figured out that i must have some deep seeded issues waaay down that I just can't or won't deal with.  That is the only explanation for the mindless self-destructive behavior I exhibit.  The problem is I'm afraid to uncover what "it" is. 
 
How am I ever going to become a whole person and once and for all deal with my weight is I am afraid?  I am fearful of what I'm going to uncover.  The thing is...it's coming out.  The anger and hurt and frustration is coming out more and more everyday.  It is almost always in the back of my mind now.  I do not want to be angry at people who are no longer here to defend themselves.  I don't want to be angry at people who did the best job they could with me. 
 
When my sister passed away, the first thing my Mother said after telling me Denise was gone was,"It's my fault."  She was talking about how big Denise had gotten.  I denied it.  I told her we were big girls (no pun intended) and we lived our lives the way we saw fit.  I believe that.  I am now thinking that I am going to have to acknowledge the role my family played (plays) in my weight issues.  The excuses: My whole family is fat, it's the way we're wired...the rewards: Clean your room and you can have 2 extra cookies...the falsehoods:  Clean your plate, there are starving children in Africa...the desertion: Denise is a baby, you're a big girl, let her play with your favorite toy.
 
I realize it sounds like a lot of whining.  I KNOW that i was raised the best way that my parents know how to raise a child.  I know that I have responsibility too...I'm just thinking maybe it's time to get this stuff out and LET IT GO!!!

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