Monday, March 22, 2010

Weekend

Well, I made it through the weekend, which is always a crap shoot.  I'm trying to thnk about what I'm going to eat ahead of time with out obsessing over it.  I have stayed away from candy, cookies, chips, and bologna.  Haven't conquered the soda thing yet, but I did order a diet pepsi at Yoshinoya when we went there. 
Yesterday I went to see my Dad and took my DIL and the baby.  We had fun, got to catch up on news and gossip, he got to see the baby walking and we went to lunch.  Now I know from experience, when we go out we are either going to Mexican, comfort or fast food.  We decided on mexican yesterday.  I ordered a shredded beef burrito with rice, beans, and lettuce inside and red sause and cheese outside.  I feel good about my choice for several reasons.  There is hardly any cheese on the outside, less than 1/2 oz..  It was supposed to come with sour cream, but I told them no.  It is a big burrito, so I didn't "combo" it, which I usually do.  I left about a 3rd of it on the plate.  Didn't even bring it home.  I did have an orange bang (or two) to drink, but I only ever get them at this particular place and we only go there every 6 months or so, so I'm not going to stress about it.  And today, I am sticking to water. 

Friday, March 19, 2010

Feelings

These are the feelings I need to remember: 
THE BAD...
1) The feel of my hands, fingers and face after eating potatoe chips.  GREASY!!!  I often am reading when I am eating and I can't tell you how many pages have grease marks on them from potaoe chips.
2) The feeling of crapping my pants (sorry if theat's TMI) at three o'clock in the morning cause I have diarehea after eating the most fat-ladden mess of food at a local restaraunt and can't get out of bed in time.
3) The pounding headache, watery eyes and sore throat because I'm puking my guts out after eating an insanely high calorie dessert.
THE GOOD...
1) The feeling of accomplishment when I stick to my eating plan, even if it is only for one day.
2) The energy I start to feel after a couple days without sugar and high proccessed foods.
3) The high of going to Wooten's and buying the latest scrapbook sensation cause I saved all that money not eating out.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Writing

So yesterday's post was the preview for todays.  I have decided to undergo writing therapy.  Basically it is putting a set amount of time aside everyday, preferably in the morning, and just writing freestyle.  No expectations, no demamnds, just whatever comes to you.  At the end of the week, you go back over your pages and see what little gems stand out to you.  Anger?  Ambitions?  Fear?  Dreams?  Then you can start to get a handle on what is REALLY going on in your subconcious.  It also involves keeping a food journal and writing down the why's of why you are eating at that time or why you are eating that item.

I have mixed eotions on this.  I am fearful of what is going to come out, I don't want to hold grudges or blame other people, but i am also curious.  What REALLY is going on inside this brain of mine?  You'd think that since it's my brain, I'd be the first one to know, but I don't have a clue most days.  I've lived 44 years like that and I'm thinking it's time to get to know me.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Fear

I've been thinking a lot the last couple of days about fear.  This is the 2nd meaning in the online dictionary: 2 archaic : to feel fear in (oneself)


That is where I am at right now.  I feel fear in myself.  I have figured out that i must have some deep seeded issues waaay down that I just can't or won't deal with.  That is the only explanation for the mindless self-destructive behavior I exhibit.  The problem is I'm afraid to uncover what "it" is. 
 
How am I ever going to become a whole person and once and for all deal with my weight is I am afraid?  I am fearful of what I'm going to uncover.  The thing is...it's coming out.  The anger and hurt and frustration is coming out more and more everyday.  It is almost always in the back of my mind now.  I do not want to be angry at people who are no longer here to defend themselves.  I don't want to be angry at people who did the best job they could with me. 
 
When my sister passed away, the first thing my Mother said after telling me Denise was gone was,"It's my fault."  She was talking about how big Denise had gotten.  I denied it.  I told her we were big girls (no pun intended) and we lived our lives the way we saw fit.  I believe that.  I am now thinking that I am going to have to acknowledge the role my family played (plays) in my weight issues.  The excuses: My whole family is fat, it's the way we're wired...the rewards: Clean your room and you can have 2 extra cookies...the falsehoods:  Clean your plate, there are starving children in Africa...the desertion: Denise is a baby, you're a big girl, let her play with your favorite toy.
 
I realize it sounds like a lot of whining.  I KNOW that i was raised the best way that my parents know how to raise a child.  I know that I have responsibility too...I'm just thinking maybe it's time to get this stuff out and LET IT GO!!!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Journals

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I love the sight of a new blank page. So full of possibilities, I can do anything. Maybe a poem, maybe a story, maybe a photo with a favorite quote. That's why even though I like to blog, I will always have apaper journal to write in. Nothing comes close to the sensation of that fresh page looking, expecting something unique, from you.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Insulation

Today we are starting renovations at the homestead.  We decided it was time to put in some insulation.  We are going to take down the inside front wall, put in the insulation, put on new drywall, and paint.  We are hoping that this will only take 2 days.  I don't know.  (and the "we" in this is the emperial "we".  I don't know nuthin bout no drywalling, lol)  I moved and covered the furniture, took everything off the walls and washed the wall, so I did do something.

Hopefully the insulation will help in 2 ways.  1) bring down our electric bill in the summer and 2) keep some of the air-conditioning inside.  The way our house is built, the sun shines down on it almost all day, starting in the front.  It is hotter than you-know-what in the summer!!  I'm getting old and with hot flashes around the corner, I don't know how much I can take, LOL.

That's about all that's going on here...another fun-filled weekend!!

Friday, March 05, 2010

Blah...

I'm not sure why, but i feel blue today.  I know it's all in my head, but i feel like no one cares, that I am completely alone, and that nothing I do matters to anyone. 

I think it all goes back to missing my Mom.  Before, when I felt like this, I could call her up and after a couple of minutes she would have me laughing and joking around.  I don't think I've really laughed since she's been gone.  You know, that whole body laugh that is loud and often leaves you crying and gasping for air.  I miss that.

Normally I would crawl into bed and stay there all day, but I am babysitting the Princess, so that's not an option.  I need to keep busy.

Thursday, March 04, 2010

Thursday Thirteen

So today is Thursday and I'm gonna try another Thursday Thirteen.  If I did it right, you can click on the title and it will take you to the home page...

My Thirteen this week will be my goals and dreams.  I often think about things I want to do in the future...and now I think i may be dreaming my life away.  This list will help me define my dreams and give me a good starting point to work from...


1)To have a beach home.  It can be anywhere, although I am partial to California...but I love the thought of waking up on the beach, taking a stroll, collecting sea glass and shells, hearing the gulls and smelling the sea. 

2)To have some of my scrapbooking published.  I'm not ready yet, but I am excited about new ideas and learning new ways to express myself. 

3)To Travel.  It would be heaven to be able to take a year and just go where ever I wanted.  Paris, Dublin, Madrid, Mexico City, Montreal, Tokoyo, London, and where ever else I wanted. 

4)To visit all 50 states.  I think that would be awesome!!!To see the different people and cultures that make this country great!!

5)To write a book of original poetry.  I love poems and I love writing them.  Again, I'm not very good...but that's because I don't practice a lot. 

6)To swim with dolphins.  This is a big dream of mine.  It seems to me it would be a magical experience...to swim and play with these beautiful and intelligent animals.

7)To change professions.  I really hate my job.  I want a career, not a 9-5 that I hate.  The problem is I'm not trained to do anything and times is a ticking...

8)To have a lot of animals.  I have one cat, but I would love to have more and dogs and fish and whatever.  I love animals.

9)To learn another language.  I know Spanish, but that was a neccesity, I want to learn French or Mandarin, just because.

10)To learn to be more social.  I would like to have lots of friends, hang out at coffee shops or go to the movies, but I am not very good at making friends.  I am shy and self-concious.  I don't like being out of my comfort zone.

11)To do a 10K walk.  Believe it or not, I would really like to do one of the walks for diabetes or heart disease to honor my sister. 

12)To make a difference.  I want to make a difference in the life of someone, anyone.  To teach them something, or give encouragement, or just be a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen.

13)I want to be comfortable in my own skin.  I want to put me first sometimes and not beat myself up for being selfish.  I want to be me and not be ashamed or embarrassed.  I want to like me.

So there we are.  Some are doable, some are fantasies, and some will help me become the person I want to be...

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

A Few Randoms...

Just wanted to put down a couple of random things that have been on my mind.  I have a tendency to walk around with things in my head, and then later when I need/want to remember something...poof...it's gone!!  Maybe it's a sign of getting old, LOL...

1)  I LOVE the song *Paparazzi* by Lady Gaga.  I actually like alot of her songs, as long as I don't have to watch the video.  I understand artistic expression, but she's a little over the top for me.  Her music, on the other hand, is GREAT!!  I like *Paparazzi* the best so far, it seems more musical to me, if that makes any sense.

2)  I heard this quote the other day and have not been able to get it out of my mind.  "One should eat to live, not live to eat."  Ben Franklin.  This is SUCH a simple concept.  From the revolutionary times.  OVER 200 years ago.  It amazes me for 2 reasons.  One, in 1776 (or about then) people were concerned with their weight!!  Did Ben think he was a fatty?  Was Mrs. Ben telling him to get up off of his fat ass and do some exercises for the love of the King??  Or, did Ben know in roughly 200 years, the country that he and his fellow revolutionaries fought so hard for would be the most obese on the planet and he was trying to circumvent history???
The second reason I am fascinated by this quote is it's simplicity.  "EAT TO LIVE...DON'T LIVE TO EAT."  This is something that should go home with all newborn babies from the hospital.  Every person on the planet should use this as their mantra.  Don't get bogged down in "What's for dinner?"  or "Who's making dessert?".  Think about things like "I can take carrot sticks with me when I go for that hike."  or "let's have some water instead of that sugar-laden soda while we run around the basketball court."  It needs to start young.  I can not tell you the next time I will walk around the park with my Granddaughter...but I CAN tell you the next time I am going to Hometown Buffet!  So Sad!!

3)  I have found some very interesting blogs about art journaling.  I have expressed an interest in this before, but I think I'm ready to get my feet wet.  Lately I have not been feeling the scrapping mojo, but the thought of doing some kind of art journaling really excites me.  I'm sure I'll get my mojo back eventually, but in the meantime, I think I'm going to try it out.  I am not an artist by ANY stretch of the imagination, but I'd like to see what I can put together.  Just writing in a journal is getting boring to me, but jazzing it up a little make perfect sense.  We'll see how it goes...