Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Another Christmas...

I hope everyone had a great Christmas.  Mine was very nice.  Christmas Eve was spent baking chocolate chip cookies, making tamales, cleaning the house and getting ready for Christmas day.
Christmas morning, I got up at 5:30...I guess the excitement for the day to begin never really goes away.  I spent a few moments in prayer, thanking God for his Son, Saying "hello" to my family, telling them how much I missed them but how I was glad they were together and giving thanks for my many blessings.
This year has been hard.  Horribly hard.  The kind of hard I didn't think I could live thru.
BUT I DID.
I'm not sure what all of this was supposed to teach me yet, but I am on a mission to find out.

My little family arrived about 11:30.  We had a brunch of tamales and homemade green salsa, homemade corn and blueberry muffins, cookies, and little fresh mandarin oranges.
Everything was YUMMY, if I do say so myself...
We went to my niece's home at 1:00 pm.  Sat and talked with the family, watched the Laker's get CREAMED...the male members of the family were not happy...then we ate dinner.
Joanna had fixed ham, tamales, macaroni salad, potato salad, apples, cucumbers, and baked beans.  I made sweet potatos and Bobbi Sue made deviled eggs. 
IT WAS DELICIOUS!!!!

I was pretty good food-wise.  I had a little of everything...and did not eat till stuffed...
Then we opened presents...everyone made out very well.  We recieved picture frames, a calender with angels on it, and a gift card to chilis.

Then we came back home and opened our presents...
again, I was very blessed...
Hubby got me diamond earrings, an electronic sudoku game, and a jewelry box.  My son and DIL got me a toaster oven and a digital picture frame.  My baby Rosie got me a dolphin bracelet and "Drop Dead Diva" on dvd.

Now by time we were done it was like 11:00pm.  Baby Rosie was sitting in her new Mickey Mouse chair and was over the present thing...haha.  She just wanted to go to sleep...poor baby...
Reading this back, it seems so very hectic, but it really wasn't.  We just did things as they came, there was no rush.  We did get a little concerned that Rosie would fall asleep, but she was a trooper...she held up till the end.
All in all, it was a very nice day...it was nice to spend time with family, to remember those who weren't with us for one reason or another, (trips, other obligations, etc.) and watch the kids and their excitement...it was just what the DR. ordered.
I Hope your celebrations were just as happy and blessed as ours...

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

It's begining to look a lot (little) like Christmas...

This is my creativity for today...we started putting the outside lights up...I know it looks a little bare.  It took us forever to figure out which box the lights were in, and then it got dark and cold really fast...
Rosie was a little scared of Mickey.  That really surprised me...I thought she'd love it.  Maybe it just takes some getting used too...

There will be more pictures as we finish up...still have to put out my penquins and my wreath...
then it is on to the Christmas tree...

Monday, December 13, 2010

a new me and a new blog...

I've been thinking a lot about things, my life, my purpose, my beliefs...I suppose it is natural, another New year is close upon us...that wonderful time of year where you inspect every fine detail of your life over the last year, decide you are a useless human being, and make all kinds of grand commitments for the New year.

I have decided that this year, that will not be me!!
The year that I lived, 2010, was exactly the way I was supposed to live it.
I mean, it had to be, right??
All the desicions were mine, all the actions or inactions were my decisions.  The choice to not exercise and make an attempt to get healthier was mine.  The choice to not go back to work was mine.  Participating in AEDM in November was my decision.  The choice to take my Father off of the respirator was mine.  The choice to surround myself with the people I do is mine.
I EXCEPT THOSE DECISIONS...

Now is the time to look ahead...2011...the thing about 2010 is...I had to make decisions.  Anyone who knows me well knows that is not my strong point.  I did not want to be held responsible for the fallout of my decisions, so I didn't make any...problem solved...
2011 will be a better year because I can now make a decision and accept the consequences...good or bad.  AEDM showed me a lot.  It helped me get my inner-artist moving again, but more importantly, it showed me I can make a commitment and stick to that commitment.
I have decided to make a commitment to 3 things this year.
1)  I will make a commitment to eating healthier and getting in some type of exercise 5 out of 7 days this year.  I know I can do this.  I've done it before.  Now I am making a commitment to do this.  I want to be around for a few more years and there are things I want to do.  I want to go to Disneyland with my Granddaughter.  I want to go to a Brave Girls camp.  I want to visit my Aunts in Kentucky and Indiana and family that i still have in Detroit.  What is the point of living, if you are so sick and overweight that you can't leave the house???
2)  I am making a commitment to Creative Every Day.  This is the big sister to AEDM.  I am making a commitment to do something creative 4 out of 7 days.  I know I can't do it 365 days a year, that kind of pressure would kill me...but this I can handle.  I want to practice and develop more artistic skills.  I feel so much calmer when I am creating, and I love seeing the completed pieces.  I'm sure to many they are silly, but to me, they are amazing because often I am suprised that I could do that.
3)My third commitment is to be a better person.  The last couple of years have been very hard on me.  I counted the other day and I have lost 7 very close family members since 2006, including my Sister, Mom, and Dad.  I realize that i am not the only person going through loss like this, but for me, this was almost too much to handle.  I'm not going to lie anymore...it has been damn hard...there was more than one occasion that I was ready to chuck it all in and join my family.  I have never said this outloud to anyone, but there were two very specific occasions where I wanted to and was ready to die.  I didn't want to be here, in this life, in this reality, anymore.  In my own personal misery, I let friendships go.  I let favorite charities go.  I let family members go.  I couldn't be bothered.  I was mad and scared.  I didn't want to give my all to anything.  Sometimes I couldn't...other times I wouldn't.  I figured if I kept everything inside, bottled up, I couldn't get hurt anymore. 
All that did was make me a mean, cynical, selfish person to be around.  I don't want to be like that anymore.  It really isn't my nature, and being mad all the time is tiring!!!  Im never realized how much energy it takes to be mad. 
So, those are my commitments.  Given that i am going to be changing some major things in my life, I thought it would be a good time to change the look of the blog.  On January 1st, my blog will have a new name, something more positive for the new year, and hopefully a new look if I can figure out the templates, LOL...
I am looking forward to the next 12 months and I am excited to start taking my life back...I really hope my 3 or 4 readers will continue with me.  It should be interesting!!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

this and that

it is 4 am and I can't sleep...what else is new??  My Mother used to have this problem, it never occured to me it could be heriditary.  During the week, I get by cause I can sleep a little later or take a nap if I have too...not so on the weekends...normally I would get out my sketchbook and watercolors, but with all the holiday preperation, I don't have room. 
I haven't had time all week to do anything art wise and I can feel it.  It is amazing how much it relaxes you and calms all the craziness going around in your head.  I need to make some time this week to get something in...
The house in Fullerton, for all intents and purposes, is sold.  I got the contract from Bill and we will send a copy to the Foley's tomorrow for approval.  The bank wouldn't give me a payoff number over the phone, of course, but will mail it out, so once I have that we can sign the paperwork and be done.  Maybe that's why I can't sleep.  I love that house so much...but it really didn't make any sense to keep it...Scott and Tina will take care of it and I know that.  Maybe give it to one of their girls when she gets married.  It is a great little house for raising a family.
We had a good night tonight...Hector and Kimberly and Rosie came over after they went and got Christmas pictures taken.  They are so cute...
My beautiful little family...we ate some pizza and hot wings, watched some tv, and had a good time.  I love nights like that.
Well, I guess I'll try to sleep again...it's too late to take a sleeping pill, so some warm milk will have to do...

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

December 1st...

Today is December 1st.
For 40 years this was my favorite month of all.  Better than June when school let out...better than September when it was my birthday...better than April, when it was Easter.
December was Christmas month!!!

My Mother LOVED Christmas and that was passed down to us girls.  She would decorate the whole house, bake cookies and pies for days, and she always wanted a big, fresh tree...until it became too much for her.

She loved to buy presents.  She would always kinda go crazy in that dept.  She justified by saying that giving was much better than recieving...and she was soo right!

Things she didn't like?  Only two...
putting the lights on the tree...every years, at some point, she would be cussing that tree up a storm.  It got to be that the eventual meltdown was as much a tradition as anything else.
(I have never claimed my Mother was a saint...)
The other was wrapping.  She was so good at it, but hated doing it.  She liked the idea of a beautiful package being presented to a loved one...than to have the paper ripped off in 3 seconds flat...
I am trying to get my love for December back...the crispness of the air, the joy of giving, the smell of wonderful things baking, the excitement in kids eyes, the anticipation of good things to come, the general goodwill of people that I always desperately wish would last all year, but is usually gone by January 2nd.

I'm trying, I really am...but if I go off the radar, or stop talking, it just means that things have gotten to be too much.  I hope that won't happen, I feel the Christmas spirit trying to come out and I will do all I can to let it flow...

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

AEDM-Day 30

This is the last day of Art Every Day month.  I just want to say that I have had a wonderful time making art every day, and meeting such new and varied artists.
I am sad to see the month end...
But, on the bright side, I have made some new friends, I have learned new tecniques, and mostly, I have learned that it is OK to put myself out there and try new things...even if they don't turn out so well...
Today i did two drawing with colored pencils...(just couldn't sleep...)
This one is a different version of what I did last week...I am MUCH happier with this one.
Again, the theme is "not yet..." and the balloons represent my family who have passed away.
This one is "fish out of water" because when I started this challenge, that is how I felt.
Everyone here is soo talented, and I felt totally out of my element.
Now, while I know I'm not the next Georgia O'Keefe, I do know that my art is important, that my art matters, and that know one will judge me harshly for putting out there what is in my heart.
Thank you Leah for the wonderful learning experience...if you do creative every day in 2011, I might have to join up...

Monday, November 29, 2010

AEDM-day 29-just a little sketch

I've been watching some online videos on how to draw or sketch things because I am really bad at it...I know what I want the sketch to look like in my mind, but when I try to put it down on paper, my lack of talent poses a huge problem, hahaha...
This is my attempt on sketching a litttle gitl.  The advice was to keep to simple shapes, fiddle with the proportions of things, either too big or too small, so people know that you are making something up and not trying to copy an acual person.
I call her "Girl with curly hair".  I have to admit, the part that gave me the most trouble was the hair...curly just seemed the easiest way to go, but I wanted pony tails.  Something else i will have to practice, lol...

Sunday, November 28, 2010

AEDM---I'm behind...:(

How was everyone's Thanksgiving??  Good, I hope.  Mine was very nice, full of good food and family.  I made dinner which I haven't done in a couple of years, and I found that I actually missed it.  We had turkey, sweet potatos, mashed potatos, green beans, mac n cheese, and corn.  We gave thanks for our many blessings and sent out love to those who have passed on.
So, in all of the celebrating this weekend, I only did 2 art pieces.  I'm not really in love with either one, I'm thinking some tweeking is needed, but the idea is to create something, and I did, so that's a plus...
The first one I did Thanksgiving night after my son and family went home.  I took some pictures of fall leaves I got from Photobucket and glued them down, then just did some doodling.  I used a stencil to make the x marks and used colored pencils for the doodles. 
                                                                                   This is a doodle of an idea I had, but I don't like the way it turned out...I like the idea, so i will try again.  The 3 hearts together represent my parents and sister who have passed on.  Down in the corner is me, being held onto by my granddaughter, cause it is not time for me to be with them yet.

Anyway...that is what I've been up to...can't wait to see what everyone else has done...


Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving

Just wanted to tell all my new buddies Happy Thanksgiving.

I thought this year would be a little hard, having just lost my Daddy this past june, but I am doing surprisingly well.  I know they are having a great Thanksgiving in Heaven, and I also know that one day i will see them again.I wanted to take time to list what I am thankful for:
1) My Hubby, Son, DIL, Granddaughter, my Kiki and her family, My cousins Ron O., Donnie and Bobbi and their families.  You have kept me sane these last couple of years.
2) My online friends: Lori, Jilly, Bonnie Rose and the other wonderful people I've met on FB, AEDM, and the Grattitude challenge...you've helped me in a very hard time...I hope we can meet one day in person...
3) all of my friends, past co-workers, and distant family I have been able to reconnect with...I love you all.
Finally, my renewed faith in God and his divine guidance...I'm not going to get all preachy, but let's just say that my faith was lost after Denise passed, but, while I still don't understand, I have come to accept that I'm not supposed too.  He won't lead you to it if He can't get you through it...
Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

AEDM pages 22-23~~The PICTURES!!!





Here are the pictures of my art journal that Blogger wouldn't let me upload last night...
First 2 pics are the pages after a watercolor wash...then I tried to add some sparkle with glitter paint and a stencil...then I just used the stencil brush to add some dots...
the second two pics are the finished pages.  Used Mod Podge to adhere the pics and emphemera to the 2 pages.  I used one of Denise's achievement awards from high school, a award of completion from Vacation Bible school, a flower she made in the 5th grade and a letter my Mom wrote her in a book she gave her for Christmas one year.
Then I added some blue watercolor dots and let them run a little bit. 

I think my next art journal will need to have bigger pages...the ones in this book are 5x7 and I find them a litttle restrictive.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

AEDM--days 22 and 23

4 years ago yesterday, my beautiful, funny sister Denise passed away.  She was 34.  I wanted to honor her memory yesterday, so I started a 2-page art journal yesterday for her.
Unfortunately, blogger won't let me upload the pictures here to show you...I will try again in the morning.
Just wanted you all to know that I am still here and working...just technology getting in the way...

Friday, November 19, 2010

a little rant...

In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.


Robert Anderson

This is where I'm at today...I'm not going to go into a lot of details, but sufice it to say that today looking for "grounds for marriage" is going to be a little difficult.  I know that all couples have their ups and downs, and I'm not stupid, I know that everyday isn't going to be a fairy tale, but these last couple of months have really been trying for me and all I really need is a little patience and a little understanding.  He thinks that everything should be "normal" now...that after 4 months, I should be over my grief...that I should just "shake it off" when those sad moments happen.  I try...I really do...but I'm a very emotional person.  I cry at tv commercials, for cripe's sake...
 
I know that grief takes time.  He thinks if we just act like nothing happened, life will go back to normal.  He doesn't get that for me...life will never be "normal" again.  Maybe he does know that and it freaks him out??  I don't know cause he won't talk about it. 
 
I just keep hoping that when we sell the house in Fullerton, it will feel like closure and we can start working on our own lives again...

Thursday, November 18, 2010

AEDM--Day 18

Todays art is a collaboration between myself and Rosie, my 18month old granddaughter.
When my sister and I were little, we would do these scribbles and then color in pieces and pretend they were abstract art.  I'm not sure why we started this, except that maybe we knew niether one of us could draw at all, lol.
This afternoon, I had given my Rosie a pad of paper and a pencil and she did the usual scribbles of a baby.  As I was looking at them, I remembered this childhood activity.  I gave my sketchbook to Rosie and let her go at it.  This is the result...I just colored in certain pieces with colored pencils...I think I will use her help in the future...who knows, maybe all the talent I wish I had, she does...

A picture of my future artist...
















Wednesday, November 17, 2010

AEDM--Days 16 and 17

I've found that a lot of times when inspiration hits me, I will put off creating in my art journal because I haven't got a background, and I am too lazy to get out all my supplies to do one.  So last night/early this morning, while hubby was asleep, I decided to do a couple of background pages and plan ahead.
This first one i just painted color where ever.
This one is in yellow and blue, it's a bit more organized for something specific.
This is my version of a rainbow.  I like to use the watercolors because of the way they run together and mix.
I really enjoyed doing this so I'm sure I will do some more today.
It will make journaling a lot easier when it is spur of the moment!!

Monday, November 15, 2010

AEDM--Day 15

Today my AEDM is a sunflower.  I LOVE sunflowers, but I cannot draw them. 
This is a practice sketch I did this morning.
It's OK, I guess, I need to practice the flower leaves, they always bunch up on one side...:(

Sunday, November 14, 2010

AEDM--Day 14...

I know it's kinda late to post my AEDM...but I'm on the west coast, so it's not midnight yet...
Today was a crazy busy day...but I did a little doodle drawing...
It is based on a card I saw at Target this afternoon...my drawing skills are non-exsistent, that's why I like scrapbooking and art journaling...you don't have to have great skills to do either one...I can put some stickers on a page or swirl some paint together, and I have made art...

Friday, November 12, 2010

AEDM--Day 12...

Here is my completed piece...I call it "girl picking sunflowers".  I like it...it is my first attempt at potraying an actual scene.  the girl is done on another peice of watercolor paper and then glued on to the background.  I will play around more with this kind of thing...practice makes perfect...

AEDM__Days 8,9,10,and 11...

For all my Art Every Day friends...I don't want you to think I've wandered away...I'm here and I'm still doing art...it has been a very busy week, so I haven't had a lot of time to create and I couldn't load up my pics cause my computer died...but I'm back...with a new computer...so here is what I did this week...

Sunday night I had a dream about a project...just a finished piece that I had created and was very happy with.  That image stayed in my mind all morning, so I decided to see if I could do it...here is the results so far:

Monday--a background of watercolor wash green
Tueseday--the girl
Wed.--add some sunflowers to the background (pen and foamies)
Thurs.--add some texture and pattern to girl's robe. (paint and glue sparkles)

So that's what I have done so far...Today I'm going to try and finish her up...stay tuned...

Monday, November 08, 2010

30 days of Gratitude--Day 8

This is what I am thankful for today...my "winter" mug...
Every year, around the time of the first rain, which we had this morning, I get out my "winter" mug.  My Mother gave it to me one year, and I LOVE it!!
It is huge, and has a big handle I can get my whole hand in, so I can cup it better and feel all of it's comfy warmth.  This morning it has orange spice herbal tea in it, but it also likes hot chocolate, pumpkin spice tea, hot apple cider, and once in a great while, plain ole coffee. (I'm not much of a coffee drinker at all...)
It is a great way to start a cold or dreary day.
Everyone should have one...:)

Sunday, November 07, 2010

30 days of gratitude...day 7

No pictures today...it is hard to put into words what I am grateful for today...much less find a picture to capture it.  Today I am grateful just to be.  I am grateful for my life, for the advantages I've had along the way, a set of wonderful parents, a beautiful sister, the great extended family I had growing up, all the stories of things past, the long talks I used to have with my Grandmother when i would visit her after visiting the library, the childhood I was allowed to experience, just all of it. 

My childhood and my parents helped to shape me into the kind of person I am now, for good or for bad.  I like to think I turned out OK, lol...Don't get me wrong...there were bad times...but my parents did their best to shield my sister and me from the worry and fear I am sure they felt at times.  When I was in high school, my Dad was laid off from his machinist job and was unemployed for a good 2 years.  They did their very best to make sure we still had the basics and that life was not disrupted for us.  My Mom clipped coupons, shopped at sales, sewed our clothes, and many other things so we did not feel the pressure.  My Dad did odd jobs, painted houses, delivered newspapers to help make ends meet.  From them I learned determination, pride, honesty and teamwork will almost always get you through anything.

I know that even though they have moved on to a better place...I will be OK.  That's what they taught me...and for that I am grateful...

Saturday, November 06, 2010

AEDM...Day 6

Fooling around with the options on my Paint program...
I LOVE the way it turned out...
I may do this to all my photos, LOL...

30 Days of Gratitude Day 6...

Today, this is what I am grateful for...
THE END OF DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!
Yes, I like the extra sunlight, but I LOVE the extra hour of sleep we get back.  Daylight savings is always tricky for me, because I am a night person.  I am always up till 12 or 1 am, unless it has been a really hard day.  Losing that hour every spring kills me!!
So, YEA!!!!   No more daylighr savings!!

Thursday, November 04, 2010

AEDM ~~ Day 4

Here is my AEDM for Nov. 4th.  I am super busy today, it is my 27th wedding annivesary, so I just did a couple of doodles today.  I remember in high school, I would do these  really elaborate flower doodles with different color pens and pencils during the boring classes. 
Somewhere, I stopped doing doodles. 
I think I'm going to start again...it is fun, you don't really have to think about it, and you can doodle almost anywhere...

30 days of Gratitude--day 4

Today is my wedding anniversay.  I have had the good fortune to be married to this man for 27 years now.  He is who I am thankful for today...
I met him when I was 16 and although I didn't fall immediately, he kind of found his way to my heart.  He put up with a lot of questions and doubt from my parents who were not thrilled that their 16 yr old had a boyfriend who was 24, but he stuck it out.
We are different in so many ways, and the road has been a bit rocky, even now, but we try to work through the bad and have even had mini seperations.  Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is give them time to breathe.
Today, on my 27th anniversary I am thankful for the home he has provided, the strenghth he has given me, especially these last couple of years, and the things he has taught me about life and love.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

30 Days of Gratitude--day 3

This little girl is what I am thankful for today.  She is Rosie, my granddaughter.
My son told me that he and his girlfriend were pregnant the day after my Mom passed, Aug. 13, 2008 and she was born March 2009.  Waiting for her arrival gave me much needed hope during a very trying time.  (We lost 5 family members between Aug. and Dec. that year...)
Having her here and having the utter joy of taking care of her while her parents worked has literally brought me back to the land of the living.Here are some more pics of my Favorite girl...
going down the slide at John's Incredible Pizza
Inspecting Grandpa's handiwork
Ready for her donkey ride
With Great-Grandpa at Christmas (my Daddy)
Not too happy about having gotten her picture taken...

Art Every Day...days 2 and 3


This is my project for day 2 of AEDM.  It is a picture of my sister, my mother and myself from about 20 years ago.  It was my Mother's 50th birthday.  I love this picture because we were so happy that day and we are all so young!!  I look at it and can NOT believe that it was 20 years ago...it really feels like last week.
The page itself is pretty simple.  A watercolor background, a picture of us, some heart stickers, and my writing.
This is day 3.  The quote in the star is this: "If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life,your tears will prevent you from seeing the sun."
I LOVE this quote.  I feel like I am finally starting to see the sun again, even with the passing of my Father this June.  The grief I feel from his passing is more intense than from the others, but it is not present all the time like the others.  It is also different cause I know they are all together, and I have 4 AWESOME guardian angels!!
This page is a mask...I taped a chipboard star to the page and then did a watercolor wash.  Take off the star to reveal the journaling space.  Added some star and a butterfly stickers and some bling to jazz it up.

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

30 Days of Gratitide~~day 2~~


Good Morning all...I hope everyone plans to get out and vote today...
This is day 2 of 30 days of gratitude and I selected this flag to represent what I am grateful for today.  I am grateful to live in a country where democracy rules and where even if you don't agree with the other side, they will take time to listen you.
I am grateful to live in freedom and I am exceedingly grateful to the brave men and women to fight to keep us all free.
(This flag was flying outside of my polling place this morning)

Monday, November 01, 2010

30 days of Gratitude

So I've found another challenge, thanks to my blogger friend, BonnieRose, called 30 days of gratitiude.  I like this concept for two reasons:
1) We can always use something to help us be more grateful in life.  I know for me, personally, I tend to take things for granted.
2) I love taking pictures and need something that will help stimulate that creative part of me.  And get me some practice, LOL...
The prompt for today is Home
This is a tree in my yard.  Every summer we cut it back to the limbs and every "winter" (We use the word loosely here in Southern California, lol...)It has grown back almost as big as when we cut it down.
I LOVE that.  To me it symbolizes the determination this tree has to be as big and bold as it knows it should be.
I take a certain strength  from that.

Art Every Day~~Day One~~

This is my entry for the first day of Art Every Day month.  It is a page for my art journal.  I am seriously thinking about doing a canvas some what in this style and wanted to try it out first. 
It is a picture of my beautiful Mother, Rose, taken about 7 months before she passed.  The background is a watercolor wash, purple and blue.  I added some blingy rinestones to simulate stars, added a crown, cause she was and always will be my Queen Mother, and wrote down some words that capture her spirit.  "Family", "Laughter", "Respect"
I like the way it turned out...may make some changes for a canvas, but all in all, I like it.
I hope you all do too...

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Poetry

I CALL OUT YOUR NAME

I call out your name
listening and praying
I call out your name
but no answer do I hear.

I look around for you
at home and away
I look around for you
but you do not appear.

I sit and wait for you
scared and lonely
I sit and wait for you
while slowly falls a single tear.

I call out your name
and softly I hear your voice
"Do not be sad Love
for in your heart, I'll always be near."

EJP (10/2010)

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Isn't it funny...

Isn't it funny how some things happen??  When I originally started this blog, I wrote poetry.  Not great poetry, but good enough from an amatuer like me.  I have always liked poems.  I remember in 4th grade having my little poems in the school newspaper.  I carried around  a little leather bound book and just wrote stuff down whenever the mood struck.  When Denise (my sister) died in 2006, my poetry died with her.  I tried for months to write down something, ANYTHING, and time and time again got nothing.  After a year or so, I gave up...took the book out of my purse and forgot about my poems.  I felt like that part of my creativity was over.  I moved on to other things, scrapbooking, photography, and things of that nature.  When my Mom and Kathy died in 2008, I tried again, for a minute, and gave up...convinced that what ever "muse" I had was gone.

Fast forward to this morning...I am cleaning the kitchen.  When I say cleaning, I mean deep cleaning.  Pulled out the dishes from the china cabinet and dusted them, moved the kitchen table to clean the window and the blinds,cleaned off my tiny counter space, and started cleaning my stove.  I sprayed oven cleaner, took off the knobs, took off the burners and started scrubbing away with my brillo pad.  The next thing I know, words start forming.  Before i know it, I've got the first 3 lones to a poem formed.  Not wanting to lose the lines, I stopped cleaning the stove and went to write them down.  Next thing I know, I have written 4 stanzas of a poem.  Tears are pouring down my face and I felt so free.  There is nothing like that feeling of writing down what is in your heart.  I will go back tonight and re-read it and edit it and make sure I didn't write down a bunch of jibbirish,but even if I did, that's OK.  At least I wrote something down. 

Maybe the muse is back...

Monday, October 18, 2010

Art Every Day

I have joined the Art Every Day Month challenge. ( If I did it right, you can click the title and it will take you to the site.)

I was browsing around the web and found the creative everyday site and thought this would be the perfect thing to get my creative juices flowing again.  I also have some time to get my desk cleaned up and my supplies organized.  I have been drowning in a sea of self-pity and darkness...I need to see the light again...to believe in something...to know that I, that is my soul, hasn't died along with every one else...This may just be the thing. 

Saturday, October 16, 2010

This little meme was shared on the blog of my very talented friend, BonnieRose, http://alifeunrehearsed2.blogspot.com/.  She invited her readers to participate and share it so I thought I would...it is very thought provoking...thanks Bonnie!!!
This is me.

Right now.





i am --a little sad and a little relieved that the work on my parents house is almost done.  I won't be truly able to move on until we sell it.



i think --that I took a lot of things for granted and I should be more appreciative of the good things in my life.



i know --that God has a plan...I just have to be patient.



i want --a house by the beach with a little glass walled garden room to read and create in and lots of open windows to let the sweet smell and warm breezes in.



i have --too many insecurities, too many self doubts, too many negative people in my life.



i dislike --people who are mean and rude.  Too many people have forgotten what compassion is.



i miss --My family...I know they're together, but I'm jealous...I want them here with me.



i fear --Noone will truly understand me.



i feel --sad a lot...



i hear --if I'm really quite and concentrate, my Mother's laugh...it was a beautiful sound full of life and joy.



i smell --apple cinnamon candles...which I LOVE!!



i crave -- chocolate...ALL THE TIME!!



i usually --give into the chocolate craving and then beat myself up about it...



i search --for the meaning to my life...why am I here??  What is my purpose??  You'd think at 45 I'd have a clue, but you'd be wrong.



i wonder --What kind of woman will my Granddaughter turn out to be and will I live to see it?



i regret --letting work get in the way of my family relationships and the time that was wasted.



i love --baby kisses and hugs, sunflowers, kittens, the smell of the outside after it rains.



i care --if people don't like me.



i am always --on a freaking diet!!!



i worry --that I've let my health get too bad and I won't be healthy again.



i remember --all the good times I had as a child, as a teenager and as a young Mother.



i have --unlimited growth opportunities if I make the effort.



i dance --NEVER...I am SOO un-coordinated!


i sing --because I LOVE it!!  Music is like food to me.



i don't always --fight for what I know is right...I need to stop that.



i argue--only when I am pushed to the breaking point.



i write --not enough.  I love to write, but that is one of the things that gets neglected.



i lose --interest in things pretty quickly.  I think I have adult adhd.



i wish --that people would realize how short time with our loved ones is and not sqander that precious time on petty arguments and fights.



i listen --to my ipod all the time...it goes where I go...



i don't understand why --they can't make a candy out of broccoli but that tastes like chocolate fudge...



i can usually be found --in the computer room or in my bedroom



i am scared. of dying too soon.



i need --someone to listen and not judge me



i forget--sometimes that fat people are supposed to be funny so when I get serious or sad, some people don't know how to react to me...



i am happy --when I am around my family and friends...

I would also like to invite you to participate in this little survey.  Not so much for public view, although I would love to read it, but privately, just to get a handle on where you are...right this minute.

xoxoxo

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Desperately seeking...ME...

It's been a while since I blogged...it's not that I don't have anything to say...it's that I'm afraid to say it.  Afraid to put all of my thoughts and feelings down on paper (haha) and give them life.  I know I should.  I know that keeping things bottled up inside is not good and only helps me to self-destruct.  I just don't know if I want to take responsiblity for what I'm feeling right now.  It is sooo much easier to keep your head buried in the sand, ya know??

The bottom line is I have to make changes.  Personal changes.  Professional changes.  Relationship changes.  What has always held me back before was not having the resourses to make these changes.  Now I do.  When my Father passed, he left me a little inheritence.  It's not an insane amount of money, but is is enough for me to comfortably make some of the changes I need to make.  So the excuse of no money is not valid anymore and that kind of terrifies me. 

I will be making baby steps as the days go on.  I know that it is time for me to put me first.  I will be 45 years old in a little over a month, and what have I accomplished in those 45 years??  I had a raised a beautiful son.  That is it.  My job doesn't really contribute anything to society except keep Americans obese, I do not volunteer anywhere, I do not make a difference in people
s life for the good.  For almost 27 years, I have put everything on hold to be a good wife, Mother, daughter, sister.  I feel like those roles are important and wouldn't change doing them, but somewhere, I lost who I am.  It's time to find me again...warts and all...

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Family

I miss them so much.  Sometimes the sadness just overwelms me.  There are so many things I didn't know...so many things I didn't say...so many things I wish I could change. 
The good thing to come out of this is I've been in touch with my aunts...something I should have done long ago.  Aunt Wilma is so sweet, ends every sentance with "dear".  She sounds so frail on the phone.  She was Daddy's older sister.  Hazel is younger and a pistol!!  She lived in New Orleans until Katrina, then she moved to Kentucky.  She can't walk anymore, but I swear she's gonna outlive us all!!!
I was talking to Hazel the other day as I was looking for paperwork at my Dad's house, and she told me to be on the lookout for a set of milk glass bowls.  She said that when my Grandmother passed (his Mom), she made sure that Daddy got this set of bowls because Daddy had won this set of bowls from carnivals that would come into town.  He played the "toss a coin into the bowl" game.  The one where you toss a coin and if it lands in a bowl or on a plate, you get the dish.  When Daddy was small, they were POOR!!!  The kids would pick up coke bottles and such to earn money to go to the local carnival when it was in town.  My Daddy kept playing this game until he had the whole set.  To me, it just speaks loads about his determination.  He kept that his whole life.  I think that is one of the reasons he held on for so long at the hospital...pure determination...

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

last words

The last words my Daddy said to me were "I love you too, Baby..." as he was being taken into surgery 3 weeks ago today...June 9, 2010...

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

it's all in the details...

Most of the arrangements are made, I have little odds and ends to do for the memorial service, but other than that it is done.  Tonight I picked the music for the service.  I think he'd be happy with the choices.  I decide on:
when people are arriving-
You're my Best Friend by Don Williams (A nod to my Mom)
Hurt by Johnny Cash
I'll Fly away by Johnny Cash
America the Beautiful by Lee Greenwood (The service will be military themed...he was a vetran so there will be Milirary Honors)

In the middle-
Farther On by Russ Taff

as we are leaving-
Go Rest High Upon that Mountain by Vince Gill
The flowers are military themed, I have the pictures chosen, just had to get copies made, I pick those up on Wed. and the obit comes out Wed.
So far I have been OK.  Because I have had all these details to take care of.  Once Thursday is done...I will be a mess.  I expect it.  Then comes the fun part of going thru his stuff...

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Sometimes life is too hard...

Daddy passed away yesterday in the nursing home.  This time I feel a sense of relief...he isn't suffering anymore.  I don't think he was in any pain, the hospital and the nursing home seemed to understand that that was a priority, but I know those last couple of days he didn't understand what was going on.  He seemed scared.  I also feel badly that I left before he passed.  That he was alone.  The thing that makes me feel better is that Denise and Mommy and his Mother were waiting for him. 

I'm going to miss him terribly.  I wrote once that it was ironic that he and I were the two left because we had the least in common.  I was much closer to my Mom and he was closer to Denise, but now I understand why this happened.  I got to know him a lot better and I was blessed to have that time with him.  Of course, I wish I'd been able to spend more time with him, I wish that I had lived closer to him so I could just go over when ever I felt like it, but in the end, I know he knew that I went over when ever I could, he was OK with that.

In about an hour we have to go make the final arrangement.  I know more or less what i want for the memorial service so it won't be too hard.  The sucky thing is I know everything they are going to ask about having done this so many times before.  This had better be the last one for QUITE a while!!!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Nursing home/hospice care

The dr.s say that there is nothing else they can do for Daddy.  His kidney's are doing OK, he had a couple of bowel movements, (after they told me his bowel was dead...) and he has been off of the respirator for 36 hrs.  So that's the good (sort of) news.  The bad news is his lungs are VERY congested.  His breathing is very labored, but I've been assured that he is not suffering.  He does not respond to us.  He moves his head toward us when we talk to him, or one of the monitors goes off, but he can not respond to commands.  I asked him to blink his eyes if he knew who I was and he didn't.  I asked him to squeeze my hand, and he didn't.  The Dr. asked him to cough, and he didn't.  He also seems afraid and that breaks my heart. 

The Dr.'s said I should consider a nursing home.  The insurance coordinator came and basically no insurance covers nursing home care.  She said we were looking at $5000.00 to get him in and at least that much a WEEK to keep him in.  I do not have that kind of money.  He does, but I don't have access to it.  She told me my only option was in-home hospice.  That scared me to death!!  I don't mind caring for him, but I don't know if I can physically do it.  At this point he can't move at all, so I would have to do everything.  So I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for this when the coordinator called and said that after evaluting him, they will send him to a special nursing home for a couple of days because while the hospital can't help him, he is too medically ill to be at home.  I am sooooooo relieved!!!!  This will give me a couple of days to wrap my mind around this and to line up some help. 

I have got such a headache right now...everybody needs to take 5 minutes and figure out what you want done in the case of someting like this...leaving it to the last minute sucks for the person left in charge!!!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Hope springs eternal...

I got to talk to all of the Dr.'s today...
A) Kidney Dr.~~ Kidney's are doing well, not up to 100% yet, but everyday is an improvement, so no dialysis for now...
B) Surgeon~~ his incisions are healing well, took out a drainage tube, still can not hear any bowel sounds, so we don't know if the surgury was a success or not.  He will give it a couple of more days...
C) Cardiologist~~ Has nothing to add to all of this...(He literally said that too me...not big on bedside manner this one...)
D) Pulmonary Dr.~~ His lungs sound a little clearer, he takes little breathes on his own.  He can be on the respirator for 2 or 3 weeks, not the 10 days that the other Dr. said.  He thinks that trying to ween him off of the respirator before the begining of next week is not possible...
E) ICU Dr.~~ His prognosis is not good.  He had what is called Askeemic (sp?) bowel.  The blood clot blocked the flow of oxygen to his bowels causing them to die.  He said more people do not recover from this than do, and we add in the complication that my Dad's heartbeat is begining to become irregular, so his heart may fail.  I need to be prepared for the worst, but he said that he (Daddy) was a tough old guy and as long as he was fighting, they would do everything in their power to make him better.  I had to go out in the hall to keep myself from kissing this guy!!  (He gets the "A" in bedside manner, although pulmonary Dr. was  a close second...)

I am still staying out in Fullerton, coming home for a couple of hours every other day or so to wash dishes, and clean up a little for Hubby and Rosie...and to check the computer...I bought a HP netbook, but I have to go to Barnes and Noble to use their free WiFi and that's getting expensive...I keep looking and buying more books, LOL...

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Hospital

Things are not looking good for Daddy.  Now his heart is getting weaker and his lungs are full of fluid.  I authorized a Do Not Recisitate (sp) order this afternoon.  If his heart hold up, I then get to make the desicion to keep him on a machine to do his breathing for him or to take him off and let nature take it's course.  It is a hard,hard choice, but in the long run, I know that he does not want to be kept alive on a machine.  I talked to his sisters and to my uncle and we all think (know) that this is the right choice.  And it SUCKS!!!!

The family I have here has been great and I don't want to take anything away from them, but I can't help but feel alone.  There will be noone to remember all of our little family moments, to know our history as a family.  I feel very alone.  Uncle Ken says it is OK to be mad that they left and put me in this position, but I still feel guilty.  I know that they didn't leave cause they wanted to...I know it wasn't up to them, that God has a bigger plan, but come on...I think maybe I've had enough...it might be time to pick on somebody else's family for a while...as bad as that sounds.  i don't wish harm on anyone.

I know I'm not making any sense now, so i will try to go to sleep now...sleep has not been my friend lately...something tells me that it may be a stranger for a while...

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Daddy

My Daddy is in the hospital and not expected to make it out.  I can not believe this turn of events.  Monday I was talking to him on the phone and he was in such good spirits and so excited cause he had gotten Tommy LaSorda's autograph last week.  Now, he's in the hospital, fighting for his life. 

I am sitting here in the kitchen of my Dad's house, watching the girls across the street playing out front.  There are six or seven of them, laughing and playing.  It feels like yesterday that it was Densie and me, Carol and Ann, Kim, John and Ben out there playing.  This neighborhood is so Main Street.  I've had neighbors come and ask about my Dad, it is nice to know that so many people here love him and look out for him.

So, my Dad has had two operations.  The first one took out blood clots blocking his arteries.  The second took out 4 feet of small intestine, some large intestine, his gall bladder, his apendicts, and they had to repair a hole in one of the arteries going to his heart.  He is on a respirator and has at least 5 iv's.  The surgeon was not optimistic in his prognosis.  If anything else goes wrong, there is really no reason to go back in, there;s nothing left to do.  Right now he's been on sedation since Friday night.  Yesterday they tried to take him off, but he got very agitated, so they started it up again.  They will try again tomorrow.  I plan at being at the hospital around 8 am, hopefully I can see the Dr. 

I am so tired, so scared, so ready to hear some good news.  It is nice to know so many people are praying for him and keeping him in their thoughts.  We can use a miracle right about now.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Mother's Day

I hope everyone had a good Mother's Day.  I sure did.  My family was VERY good to me this year.  I received this wonderful Sony Reader.  I've been playing around with it and so far, I am loving it.  I wasn't sure about an electronic reader at first, and I know I will NEVER completely give up books, but this is very convienent and was easier to carry around than a big book.  I can also read more than one book at a time on it.  So far I have 4 books.  Gone with the Wind, (of course!!!) the new Debbie Macomber, Little Women and Good Wives which is the sequel to Little Women.  I loved that book so much and I can not believe I wasn't aware of the sequel.  I wasn't as smart as I thought I was...LOL.  I also got a beautiful saphire and diamond ring and a great dinner to Claim Jumper. 

The only downside of the day was not having my Mom around to say Happy Mother's Day to.  It is days like these when I wish her ashes had been buried somewhere so there was someplace I could GO to talk to her.  Take some roses.  Meditate with her.  I guess there's no point in crying over things that are impossible, but I can still wish, I guess.  Oh well...I'll just keep letting people think I'm crazy when they think I'm talking to myself...I'm really talking to my Mom...

I've been working on some organizational projects, mainly my room and the scrapbooking space.  It is TOTALLY out of control!!!  I have some major purging ahead...otherwise I'm gonna end up on an episode of Hoarders!!!!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

This and that...

The last week or so has been interesting.  I dieted very well, no bread, no soda, no candy...gained 3 lb.  What's up with that???  The Dr. wasn't happy, I wasn't happy, my poor car wasn't happy...LOL.  So, it's back to the drawing board...I did have a mini victory on Tues.  While shopping, I pulled into a Taco Bell and a Jack in the Box and then pulled out without ordering anything.  It's not perfect, but Im taking baby-steps.

On Friday, someone really made me mad.  I can't go into a lot of detail cause that person might read this, I don't know, and it's not anything worth risking our friendshipover.  Just know that if you say that you will meet me somewhere and then change your plans and DO NOT CALL ME to tell me of the change...I will not be so accomadating next time.  I realize things come up but i am tired of being walked on.  It hurt my feelings.

So we finally finished the walls in the front room and kitchen.  We painted (and when I say "we" I mean "he")  both rooms and put up the vertical blinds I bought him last year for Father's Day.  Lets just say it is a minor miricle that we didn't kill each other.  Who knew it was gonna take 6 hours to put up a blind in the kitchen.  You read that right...SIX hours for ONE blind.  NOTHING fit right.  It got REALLY ugly for an hour or two.  But we persevered and finished it.  The next day, the front room blind went in like silk...everything was perfect.  THANK GOD!!!  I'll try to post some pics in the next day or two.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Weekend

Well, I made it through the weekend, which is always a crap shoot.  I'm trying to thnk about what I'm going to eat ahead of time with out obsessing over it.  I have stayed away from candy, cookies, chips, and bologna.  Haven't conquered the soda thing yet, but I did order a diet pepsi at Yoshinoya when we went there. 
Yesterday I went to see my Dad and took my DIL and the baby.  We had fun, got to catch up on news and gossip, he got to see the baby walking and we went to lunch.  Now I know from experience, when we go out we are either going to Mexican, comfort or fast food.  We decided on mexican yesterday.  I ordered a shredded beef burrito with rice, beans, and lettuce inside and red sause and cheese outside.  I feel good about my choice for several reasons.  There is hardly any cheese on the outside, less than 1/2 oz..  It was supposed to come with sour cream, but I told them no.  It is a big burrito, so I didn't "combo" it, which I usually do.  I left about a 3rd of it on the plate.  Didn't even bring it home.  I did have an orange bang (or two) to drink, but I only ever get them at this particular place and we only go there every 6 months or so, so I'm not going to stress about it.  And today, I am sticking to water. 

Friday, March 19, 2010

Feelings

These are the feelings I need to remember: 
THE BAD...
1) The feel of my hands, fingers and face after eating potatoe chips.  GREASY!!!  I often am reading when I am eating and I can't tell you how many pages have grease marks on them from potaoe chips.
2) The feeling of crapping my pants (sorry if theat's TMI) at three o'clock in the morning cause I have diarehea after eating the most fat-ladden mess of food at a local restaraunt and can't get out of bed in time.
3) The pounding headache, watery eyes and sore throat because I'm puking my guts out after eating an insanely high calorie dessert.
THE GOOD...
1) The feeling of accomplishment when I stick to my eating plan, even if it is only for one day.
2) The energy I start to feel after a couple days without sugar and high proccessed foods.
3) The high of going to Wooten's and buying the latest scrapbook sensation cause I saved all that money not eating out.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Writing

So yesterday's post was the preview for todays.  I have decided to undergo writing therapy.  Basically it is putting a set amount of time aside everyday, preferably in the morning, and just writing freestyle.  No expectations, no demamnds, just whatever comes to you.  At the end of the week, you go back over your pages and see what little gems stand out to you.  Anger?  Ambitions?  Fear?  Dreams?  Then you can start to get a handle on what is REALLY going on in your subconcious.  It also involves keeping a food journal and writing down the why's of why you are eating at that time or why you are eating that item.

I have mixed eotions on this.  I am fearful of what is going to come out, I don't want to hold grudges or blame other people, but i am also curious.  What REALLY is going on inside this brain of mine?  You'd think that since it's my brain, I'd be the first one to know, but I don't have a clue most days.  I've lived 44 years like that and I'm thinking it's time to get to know me.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Fear

I've been thinking a lot the last couple of days about fear.  This is the 2nd meaning in the online dictionary: 2 archaic : to feel fear in (oneself)


That is where I am at right now.  I feel fear in myself.  I have figured out that i must have some deep seeded issues waaay down that I just can't or won't deal with.  That is the only explanation for the mindless self-destructive behavior I exhibit.  The problem is I'm afraid to uncover what "it" is. 
 
How am I ever going to become a whole person and once and for all deal with my weight is I am afraid?  I am fearful of what I'm going to uncover.  The thing is...it's coming out.  The anger and hurt and frustration is coming out more and more everyday.  It is almost always in the back of my mind now.  I do not want to be angry at people who are no longer here to defend themselves.  I don't want to be angry at people who did the best job they could with me. 
 
When my sister passed away, the first thing my Mother said after telling me Denise was gone was,"It's my fault."  She was talking about how big Denise had gotten.  I denied it.  I told her we were big girls (no pun intended) and we lived our lives the way we saw fit.  I believe that.  I am now thinking that I am going to have to acknowledge the role my family played (plays) in my weight issues.  The excuses: My whole family is fat, it's the way we're wired...the rewards: Clean your room and you can have 2 extra cookies...the falsehoods:  Clean your plate, there are starving children in Africa...the desertion: Denise is a baby, you're a big girl, let her play with your favorite toy.
 
I realize it sounds like a lot of whining.  I KNOW that i was raised the best way that my parents know how to raise a child.  I know that I have responsibility too...I'm just thinking maybe it's time to get this stuff out and LET IT GO!!!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Journals

Photobucket

I love the sight of a new blank page. So full of possibilities, I can do anything. Maybe a poem, maybe a story, maybe a photo with a favorite quote. That's why even though I like to blog, I will always have apaper journal to write in. Nothing comes close to the sensation of that fresh page looking, expecting something unique, from you.