Sunday, September 27, 2009

10 things about me...

The reason for keeping a journal or blog, I think, is to have a keepsake of things that were going on in your life at the time it was being written. For me it helps to put things down, where i can see them. I am a visual person, so seeing something in black and white helps me focus on the problem and come up with a solution. It also helps me to focus my thoughts. My mind is always going 1000 miles a minute with all kinds of things, and writing down the important stuff leaves more room for the not so important stuff. Another reason I like to write things down is release. Once it is on paper (or computer screen) I can let it go, to fly out into the cosmos, to do it's magic. I had the idea today to write down 10 things about me that are true today, Sept. 27, 2009. It might be kinda fun to look back in a year and see how things have changed...

  1. I have not worked in 6 months because of a disease called cellulitis. It is on my lower left leg, around my ankle. It is basically an open sore that is infected and oozy. So far nothing has really worked to cure it.
  2. I have been married for 26 years this Novemeber. I have one son and one grandbaby.
  3. Since my Mom died, Aug. 12,2008, I feel like I have no compass. I feel like I am just dangling in the wind, not knowing which way to go.
  4. I love to read, and lately I've had plenty of time. My passion right now is autobiograghies. I have read (and paid waaayy too much for) books by Kathie Lee Gifford, Tori Spelling, Marie Osmond, and Melissa Gilbert.
  5. I am really interested in starting an art journal. I'm not sure why, I don't think I have any real talent, and I have NEVER worked with paint before, but it looks really interesting, so I might take a shot at it. Who knows, I could be the next...Georgia O'Keefe...LOL...
  6. I love cats. If (or when) I live alone, I will be the lady with 100 cats. Right now, I am allowed one, cause of hubby and his aversion to cat hair, but mark my words, there will come a day when you will see me on the news crying cause my neighbors ratted me out to animal control.
  7. One day I want to own a cottage on the beach. That is my life's goal. To retire somewhere on the beach and not have to do anything but walk on the beach everyday if i want to. I love the smell, the wind, the stickiness of the salt, everything . For some reason the beach and the water rolling in and out calm me down. I always feel refreshed and at peace after.
  8. I am a clutter bug. I fight this with all my might, but the natural instinct is to have piles and piles of books, magazines, and cd's all around me. And I can tell you, it is true that if my things are in piles, I can find them quicker than if they are put away.
  9. I am actually OK with my weight. I know that for health reasons, I should lose weight, and I do try to eat right and get in some exercise, but in all honesty, if someone told me tomorrow that even at this weight, I would still live to 85 guarunteed, I would be happy with myself.
  10. I am more of a rebel than people imagine me to be. I don't wear a seatbelt. If I want to die going through my windsheild, that is my choice, not the governments. I think that some people are ment to be bigger than others. I don't believe that EVERYONE is supposed to be a size 2 and it infuriates me when it is implied. I don't believe in monagamy per say. I can't imagine going out and having an affair, but I also think that with survival rates these days, it is simply not logical for someone to be with one person forever. Finally, I do not think that Kennedy was shot by one person. I am a complete conspiracy theorist in this case.

Well, those are my 10. Hope I haven't shocked anyone too much. Try it out, sometimes you will be suprised at what comes out of you...

Thursday, September 24, 2009

HOW INSURANCE COMPANIES SUCK...

Last night I could not sleep. My leg was killing me. Not pain this time, but itching. Because it is wet, and it seems like no amount of bandages can keep it dry, it itches all the time and I am slowly going insane. So seriously...not one little bit of shut eye. I would lay there for 10-15 minutes, one time made it to a whole hour, and finally the itching would do me in, and I would have to get up. Tonight I am not even really tired. I think at 10 I'm taking some tylenol pm and hopefully I make it through project runway. If not, oh well. I'll catch it in a re-run.

So I called the insurance co. about switching Drs. They have a company policy that they do not change drs in the middle of a treatment. Even if that treatment isn't working. Even if the insured threatens malpractice. I've already been denied a new dr. I applied Tuesday. I wish all my insurance transactions were that quick. How come I have to wait 6 weeks for the well-woman refferal, but they can deny me a new dr in 1 day???? So I have decided to play thier game. My next appointment is Monday. When I go to the dr, I am going to demand he send me to the hospital for iv antibiotics. When he refuses, I'm going to go home, and then at 5 pm when urgent care opens, I'm going in. I am 99% sure THEY will send me to the emergency room. Then, all secondary care is handed out by the hospital instead of the dr. I have to wait till Monday, if i can, because the insurance co. wants to give the dr every opportunity to do the right thing. HE'S HAD SIX MONTHS!!!!! How long does he need??? To appeal the denial, it could take 60-90 days. Are you freakin serious??? And I can't figure out why I've been so depressed lately???

On a good note, I finally saw my Rosie today. I haven't seen her since Saturday. That was hard...she is sooo adorable. I know I'm biased, but she is. And now she is 6 months. I can't believe how time is flying by. I also saw my Dad. We went out to lunch. it was fun...

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

wishes...

a friend on another blog posted about wishes. http://alifeunrehearsed2.blogspot.com/ Check it out. Maybe this is what I am missing. Something to look forward to, something to aim for, something to dream about. Here are my wishes, in no paticular order:
1) Have a cottage on the beach.
2) to have one of my layouts in a magazine.
3) to have fun writing again.
4) to have my own library.
5) to have lots of pets.
6) to have more grandkids to spoil.

I like my list. Some of these things are attainable, someday.

embarrassed

That last post is soo embarrassing. I am sorry. I have so many blessings, I just don't take the time to count them each day. Things could be so much worse, and for many people are worse. I need to step back and think before I just start writing whatever comes to mind. Thank you Lori for the very kind words. I was more embarrassed this morning when I went to delete the post and realized that someone had a chance to see it first.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

why???

**This is a whiney blog...you are forewarned...**

Why are men so stupid? Why is being married so hard? Why do I have to sacrifice everything I like for the sake of the "marriage" but he doesn't have to give up anything? Why when I am sick, it's my fault, but when he's sick, I'm supposed to be nursemaid? Why am I such a doormat and why don't I stick up for myself more? Why do I let myself get to this point of frustration and not say anything? Why do I stay married if I am so miserable? Why did I think being married was so great in the first place? Why didn't I go to college and do something with my life? Why do I think it's too late?

Monday, September 14, 2009

cards and things

Some things I worked on this week:


This is the first ever card I have made. I cheated a little bit cause the white part of the card is a pre-made 4x6 notecard I found at walmart and I just added the decorations. The background paper is DCWV and it already has the adhesive on the back, I LOVE that, the accent papers are also DCWV, blossoms and butterflies colection and the butterfly I believe is KC and Co. I really liked how all the elements just came together...of course, I know I need loys of practice, but for a first attempt, I'm pretty proud of myself...
This is a layout of my Mom and me, the picture was taken on her 50th birthday, about 15 years ago. You can tell it's old, we both look like babies, LOL. It is one of the few pictures I have of us together. The paper is the new Prima, it is already sewn, and I LOVE it!! I wrote her a little note, I've been missing her a lot lately, but I WILL be alright! The roses are Martha Stewart, from walmart also.

Just a little side note here...don't be afraid of the camera. I know because I am fat, I really don't like my picture taken, but now, as I look for pictures with my loved ones, they don't exsist and that breaks my heart. In the long-run, it doesn't matter how someone looks, just that you have the memory of the time you spent together.

Monday, September 07, 2009

Time for a change??

There are things going on in my life right now that I am not happy with. The question is, what am I going to do to make it better? Once I know the answer to that question, the next question is will I be able to do what is neccessary to make that change happen?

Here's the thing...I don't want to die 20-25 years from now not having done things that I want to do. In my current situation, that is exactly what is going to happen. Not just because of my weight, let's face it, it is going to be really hard to backpack at Yosemite at 350 lb, but because of relationships that I am in at the moment.

I am really questioning whether I want to stay married or not. Don't be shocked...my marriage has been on rocky ground for a while, I just didn't want to do anything to make it all crumble down. Now, I'm thinking maybe it's time to throw that rock and see what survives the oncoming avalanche. I married very young, 18, and I am really starting to feel sufocated. I am tired of having to always put my wants and desires to the back of the table cause I have to cater to him. I know some of this is my fault. I let him boss me around for years. I didn't feel like I was good enough or smart enough to make any descision on my own, so I always deffered to him.

So here I am, not really knowing where to go next, what is the next step to take. Do I want to be alone at 44 yrs of age. Do I want to start all over again, not being in the best of health? Do I even know what it is I'm looking for?

Things to think about...