Wednesday, September 26, 2007

still here

Well, I've been on my anti-depressents for a week now. I have noticed the fact that I don't cry all the time, but I'm still listless, don't feel like doing much, hence the *no new blogs*, and still would sleep all day if given the chance. I'm not giving up though, I've been told they need a minimum of 4 to 6 weeks to give the full affect. I'm sure it is not helping that life is moving on. My DS, Joel announced yesterday that he is moving in with his girlfriend this weekend. I will be an empty nester. I knew they were considering it, but thought I had a little bit of time to get used to the idea. I am also not thrilled that there is no ceremony in sight. I'm not really old fashioned, but I do believe in marriage. The *living together* thing is too easy to get out of. No incentive to stick it out if things get rough. Oh well, my opinion was not asked for, so I'll keep it to myself. Now tomorrow I get to go shopping, as the new apartment renters have nothing. And my nothing, I mean NOTHING. I remember the days.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Dr. visit today...

This morning I went to see my doctor. All in all it was pretty good news all around. My blood pressure was 130/80. My weight was down 13 lb. (!!). I was prescribed Paxil for my depression, given a referral for a mamogram, and had some blood work done to test for diabetes, cholesterol, and other stuff that I can't remember. I have to go back in about 2 weeks.

I talked to him about the depression and it was like I was talking to Tom Cruise. Clearly this Dr. does not believe in mental illnesses. He says it is natural to be upset after a loved one dies. I said yes, but is it natural to want to take the woman who cut in front of you at Walmart and pound her head into the floor till you see blood? Cause that Is what I wanted to do Monday night. Is it normal for the words, Do you need anything hun? ,to bring you to the brink of a crying jag that lasted 10 mins.? Is it normal to hear your son talk about moving out with his girlfriend and not care? I don't think so, but I don't have a medical degree either. I finally convinced him to give me something, I think it was the walmart incident that did it.

I also want to thank everyone who has shown concern, I really appreciate it. Everyone says that mourning is an up and down proccess and they are absolutely right. I know things are harder right now as we approach the 1 year mark, and I am trying to just go with the flow, but it is so hard right now. I just ache to talk to Denise, laugh with her, see her. I miss her so much.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

we will never forget

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a scare

Today I had a pretty good scare. It actually starts Friday. I went into town to have dinner with my Mom and her friend. I get there, it was a surprise, and no one answers the door. I call my Dad on his cell and he says that Mom is feeling ill and canceled dinner. I went to meet him at costco and we eat pizza.
OK, my Mom has a lot of illnesses, of which I won't get into now. Let's just say that if she is not feeling well, we are concerned cause that usually means a trip to the emergency room. So, I call her Saturday night, no answer. Thats OK, she's probably resting. I call her Sunday night, no answer. That's OK, they probably went out to dinner. I call her Monday night, no answer. Now I'm thinking, something is weird. Even if she was not home when I called, she would have called me back. I called the house 10 times today from work. No answer. I start calling my Dad's cell. The subscriber you are trying to reach is not in service at this time. I heard this message 15 times today. I am now seriously worried. My Dad is 77 years old. My Mom is 68 and in bad health. ANYthing could have happened. They could be sick and can't get to the phone. Maybe one of them fell, and the other is sick. Maybe the unthinkable has happened and the other one is in shock. You can not imagine the horrible things I was thinking. I call my supervisor and left work 2 hours early to make the hour drive down to the house to make sure they are OK.

Of course, they are all right. The gardener cut the phoneline accidently Saturday when he was pruning the bushes at the side of the house. My parents did not know how to call out on the cell phone to let me know everything was OK. (They now know how to do this!!) We called the phone company to come out and fix the line. They gave me a key to the front door in case I have to get in.

So here is my dilema. I am really angry. I mean REALLY REALLY angry. I am mad at my sister. How could she leave me to go through this by myself. If she were still here, I could call her and hear that everything is fine, laugh about the phone line, and be done with it. How selfish is that?? I don't know what to do. What is there to do? She is gone and I am here. Struggling.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

clean kitchen

This is what I accomplished this morning. The before pics are pretty gruesome, but why sugar coat it? I am very proud of myself, and tired!!! Now to keep it this way!!!

Wednesday, September 05, 2007


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Tomorrow I will be cleaning my kitchen. I do not look forward to this, in fact, I dread it. I HATE cleaning my house. There is nothing about cleaning that I like. I odten think that there is something seriously wrong with me. Where is my "womanly" cleaning gene at? Isn't cleaning something all women like to do? All except me. My kitchen is a disaster. The table is covered with scrapbooking stuff, my chairs are covered with magazines and books, the cabinets are covered with junk. I am going to get rid of all the crap, and organize the other stuff. Hopefully this won't be an all day thing. Maybe I'll take pics. Maybe not. It is pretty bad!!