Friday, June 29, 2007


I put a couple of my projects on webshots, the link on my page, check them out if you like....

This Week

So, I have been pretty bad about posting this week, I know. I have been a little down, with the financial problems we had, my best friend from work is quitting, so I'm on my own now in the slave pit, and my Mom has been a little down, today is her birthday. She feels like she should not be here anymore with all the illness she has, and if she were able too, would have made a deal with someone to let her pass on and keep Denise here. I completely understand why she feels that way, but it is hard, none the less.

Eating has been OK. I don't think I've lost anything, but I'm sure I didn't gain either, so I'm OK with that. I am going to go to the store tonight and get stocked up on some fresh foods, watermelon, veggies, apples, etc, so I will be ready on Saturday to really pick up without any excuses. I took today off to spend time with my Mom, so I have to work on Sunday. AS hot as it's been, I'm OK with that.

I went out to breakfast this morning with my cousin, she was telling me about going to the beach on Monday. Monday was the anniversary of her death. She went to Huntington Beach pier to throw out some roses for her (her ashes were spread there) and she said when she got to the end of the pier there were 2 dolphins playing there and she felt some peace that Aunt Barbara was there and telling her everything was OK. (Ricki LOVES dolphins) I hope that is what it was so Ricki can move on. Her Mother's death has been very hard on her. Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

I guess that is all for now, next week I will go back to posting at least once a day. It helps keep me accountable.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Back on the wagon

Well, I did really well for 4 days. Watched what I was eating, ate breakfast, took healthy snacks to work. Then Friday it went to hell. I haven't gone completely bananas, but I am dangerously close to the edge, so now it is time to climb back on the wagon. "What nourishes me also destroys me" I need to get back to basics. It was typical emotional eating that threw me off. We had a serious financial crisis this week that my parents had to bale us out of. I am mortified at this turn of events, but it is what it is, and now is the time to learn from my mistakes and go forward.

As is par for the course, I tend to beat myself up for things that go badly, and overeating is the first thing to appear in my voyage of self hatred. Sometimes I seriously think I need some professional help.

Anyway, tomorrow is a new day, and the damage is minimal, so I start again in my fight.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Friday, June 22, 2007


2006 scrapbook

OK, if I did this right, this is a show of my first scrapbook. It is for the year 2006.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Do I still have a sister?

A co-worker today asked to see a picture of my son cause I had been bragging about him. In the same holder are a lot of pictures of my sister. THe first picture, in fact, is the last picture taken of her, at my cousin's wedding. She innocently asked, is this your sister? I replied yes. She asked, how many sisters do you have? I replied one. She said, now or before? I replied, I have always had and will always have one sister. Now that my sister is gone, is she no longer my sister? I realize the question was asked without malice, but it really made me sad. Because she is no lomger with me, do people assume I am an only child now? Does thae fact that she is no longer here mean she ceases to exsist in people's minds? I guess it doesn't really matter, she exsists in my heart.


My eating is going well. I am almost afraid that I am not eating enough. THat phrase has really gotten me thinking. Everything I put into my mouth, I question now. Don't get me wrong, that is a good thing. I just had to run to the store and buy some good food. And I will have to take healthy snacks to work. I couldn't make myself eat anything there yesterday.

So far today I have had oatmeal and a plum. Are the skins on a plum supposed to be so sour? That was hard to handle. I don't know what lunch will be, something light cause I am going out to dinner with my Mom tonight. My Dad has been ill, and we are getting her out of the house.

Monday, June 11, 2007

I've been thinking about Denise a lot today. I think it is because I started getting the stuff for her scrapbook together last night. I am currently doing the book for my cousin of her cruise, and I have a few little projects planned, pages, not whole books, then I want to get started on the book for Denise.
I can not believe she has been gone for over 6 months. I miss her terribly. I have been working on a poem, maybe soon it will be ready. She had such a zest for life, she didn't let her size get in the way of much. If she could do it, great, if not, oh well. Lately I've wondered how much of that was an act. She didn't go to our cousin's wedding cause of her size. She had quit going to the movies, which she loved, cause of her size. I wonder how much of why we are fat has to do with heredity and how much is just us.
We both are sugar addicts. When we cleaned her room out, the candy I found was amazing. I'm like that too. I have to have something sweet. And I have to have it now. Once I start thinking about it, I will not let up until I have it. Kinda like a spoiled child. She hid the fact that she ate so much junk from my Mom. She would bring it into the house in her purse. I find myself doing that too. Not sneaking it in, but waiting until everyone is gone or asleep before I eat it. No witnesses, no calories.
She shouldn't have died so soon. We should have taken a more active role in helping her lose weight. If only we'd known what a life and death deal it was.
I remembered my quote today, and it did help in some of my food choices. I had a ww bun with my burger, no cheese at lunch. I took 1/2 the chips out of a 2 1/2 oz. bag of chips and put the rest away for my snack. I considered staying away from the chips altogether, but I have to be realistic. If I say I CAN'T have something, I become obsessed. So I'm going to try the better portion method. I am going to stay away from refined products, sugar, flour, etc., but if I want something, I will eat only the portion size so i don't feel deprived. I am also going to up the veggies, up the water, and zero out the soda. Baby Steps.
"Quod me nutriste me destruite"

Sunday, June 10, 2007

"Quod me nutrit me destruit"

Who would have thought that I would get inspiration from Angelina Jolie? I have always thought she was a beautiful woman physically, and everyone knows about her charitable work. Today I read an article about her because she has a new movie coming out. In the article they told about a tattoo she has. It says "Quod me nutrit me destriut". It means "What nourishes me also destroys me." OH MY GOD!!!!!!! How appropriate is this quote. What nourishes me also destroys me. If I abuse what is supposed to nourish me, to be fuel for my body to function, it will detroy me.

Diabetes? It will destroy me. High blood pressure? It will destroy me. Cellulitis? It will destroy me. Depression, back pain, pinched nerves? They will destroy me. If I continue to abuse my body this way, I will be destroyed. I am 41 years old. Given my family history, I am a ticking time bomb. I need to get my act together and use food for nourishment not pleasure or love or fulfilment or whatever.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

My fat shield

The other day I said I would analyze my reasons for staying fat. I've spent 2 days thinking and this is what I have come up with.

1~ My fat is a shield. Being this weight I am invisible. People usually ignore me. I am OK with that. I do not like the extra attention. When I was a teenager, I lost a lot of weight. I went from 215 to 130 in the span of a summer. (I was told that I had a thyriod condition and was put on a seriously strict diet.) All of a sudden, I had a body. I am big chested, and that combined with the emergence of hips and curves out of the childlike blob of a body I had turned some heads. I was 12-13 years old and seriously looked 18. Guys were always hitting on me. And it wasn't always the nice, casual hit. It was, WOW, great jugs!! And boys (men) thought they could touch me. WTF? Since when is it ever OK to touch someone you don't know?
2~ My fat is mine. I got married at 18. My hubby is 8 years older than me. He has always been very demanding. My house is not clean enough. My cooking is not good enough. My mothering was not good enough. My sexuality wasn't good enough. He feels the need to constantly berate me, correct me, counsel me, and talk down to me. He is always on me to lose weight and be pretty again. He tells me I am a disgrace and ugly and he is embarrassed by me. He may be right, but by GOD Almighty, this fat is MINE and no matter how much he bitches and moans, I can hang onto it if I want and he can't do a thing about it.
3~ My fat is my excuse. Anything I don't want to do or can't do, I can blame on me being fat. DIDN't clean the house today? My legs and back hurt. (from carrying extra weight) Go to the beach? At this weight, are you crazy? Go shopping at the ultra mall they just built? I can't walk that far.
So, Do I need some therapy or what????

Now that I know these things, how do I fix them?

baby steps

Today I got up 15 minutes early so I could eat breakfast. I had some oatmeal. Not the good kind, that takes 10 minutes to make. The instant weight control oatmeal. It is not good. I may have to get up 30 minutes early. I know to most people this isn't a big deal, but to me it is. Sleep is precious, and I never seem to have enough. Why don't I go to bed early? Because right now I am sleeping on the couch in the front room. (because of my leg, I'm afaid my husband will kick it on accident) Our house is not settled until 11 or 11:30 at night. Then I have to get up at 3:45 to go into bed when Hubby gets up. Then I have to get up at 6:00 to make sure my son is up for work. I know I should just stay up then, but that extra hour of sleep until 7 is special to me. Maybe I'll make hubby sleep on the sofa, buy my son an alarm clock he can actually hear, and not wake up all the time. I doubt it. That would mean putting myself first.

Sunday, June 03, 2007


This is my cat Daisy. She is trying to cool off in my son's window. I can not believe how hot it is already here. Today was 90 degrees.

I hate the summertime. I am so hot. I sweat horribly. I can't wear cute *summer* clothes. If we ever sell this house, I am definetely movong closer to the beach.

I've been reading 'Chicken Soup for the Dieter's Soul' I started it last night. The thing that keep being pointed out to me is that I have to change my thinking form *diet* to *way of life*. The more I think of this as a diet, the more I am doomed to fail. I need to change my lifestyle. I need to go from eating chocolate, cookies, bread, muffins, buttered popcorn, biscuits and gravy to eating good for me, low calorie fruits, vegetables, whole grains and water.

What does being fat do for me? I have seen this question a lot lately. I will think about it and post tomorrow.