Friday, June 29, 2007
Eating has been OK. I don't think I've lost anything, but I'm sure I didn't gain either, so I'm OK with that. I am going to go to the store tonight and get stocked up on some fresh foods, watermelon, veggies, apples, etc, so I will be ready on Saturday to really pick up without any excuses. I took today off to spend time with my Mom, so I have to work on Sunday. AS hot as it's been, I'm OK with that.
I went out to breakfast this morning with my cousin, she was telling me about going to the beach on Monday. Monday was the anniversary of her death. She went to Huntington Beach pier to throw out some roses for her (her ashes were spread there) and she said when she got to the end of the pier there were 2 dolphins playing there and she felt some peace that Aunt Barbara was there and telling her everything was OK. (Ricki LOVES dolphins) I hope that is what it was so Ricki can move on. Her Mother's death has been very hard on her.
I guess that is all for now, next week I will go back to posting at least once a day. It helps keep me accountable.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
As is par for the course, I tend to beat myself up for things that go badly, and overeating is the first thing to appear in my voyage of self hatred. Sometimes I seriously think I need some professional help.
Anyway, tomorrow is a new day, and the damage is minimal, so I start again in my fight.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Friday, June 15, 2007
My eating is going well. I am almost afraid that I am not eating enough. THat phrase has really gotten me thinking. Everything I put into my mouth, I question now. Don't get me wrong, that is a good thing. I just had to run to the store and buy some good food. And I will have to take healthy snacks to work. I couldn't make myself eat anything there yesterday.
So far today I have had oatmeal and a plum. Are the skins on a plum supposed to be so sour? That was hard to handle. I don't know what lunch will be, something light cause I am going out to dinner with my Mom tonight. My Dad has been ill, and we are getting her out of the house.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Diabetes? It will destroy me. High blood pressure? It will destroy me. Cellulitis? It will destroy me. Depression, back pain, pinched nerves? They will destroy me. If I continue to abuse my body this way, I will be destroyed. I am 41 years old. Given my family history, I am a ticking time bomb. I need to get my act together and use food for nourishment not pleasure or love or fulfilment or whatever.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
1~ My fat is a shield. Being this weight I am invisible. People usually ignore me. I am OK with that. I do not like the extra attention. When I was a teenager, I lost a lot of weight. I went from 215 to 130 in the span of a summer. (I was told that I had a thyriod condition and was put on a seriously strict diet.) All of a sudden, I had a body. I am big chested, and that combined with the emergence of hips and curves out of the childlike blob of a body I had turned some heads. I was 12-13 years old and seriously looked 18. Guys were always hitting on me. And it wasn't always the nice, casual hit. It was, WOW, great jugs!! And boys (men) thought they could touch me. WTF? Since when is it ever OK to touch someone you don't know?
2~ My fat is mine. I got married at 18. My hubby is 8 years older than me. He has always been very demanding. My house is not clean enough. My cooking is not good enough. My mothering was not good enough. My sexuality wasn't good enough. He feels the need to constantly berate me, correct me, counsel me, and talk down to me. He is always on me to lose weight and be pretty again. He tells me I am a disgrace and ugly and he is embarrassed by me. He may be right, but by GOD Almighty, this fat is MINE and no matter how much he bitches and moans, I can hang onto it if I want and he can't do a thing about it.
3~ My fat is my excuse. Anything I don't want to do or can't do, I can blame on me being fat. DIDN't clean the house today? My legs and back hurt. (from carrying extra weight) Go to the beach? At this weight, are you crazy? Go shopping at the ultra mall they just built? I can't walk that far.
So, Do I need some therapy or what????
Now that I know these things, how do I fix them?
Sunday, June 03, 2007
This is my cat Daisy. She is trying to cool off in my son's window. I can not believe how hot it is already here. Today was 90 degrees.
I hate the summertime. I am so hot. I sweat horribly. I can't wear cute *summer* clothes. If we ever sell this house, I am definetely movong closer to the beach.
I've been reading 'Chicken Soup for the Dieter's Soul' I started it last night. The thing that keep being pointed out to me is that I have to change my thinking form *diet* to *way of life*. The more I think of this as a diet, the more I am doomed to fail. I need to change my lifestyle. I need to go from eating chocolate, cookies, bread, muffins, buttered popcorn, biscuits and gravy to eating good for me, low calorie fruits, vegetables, whole grains and water.
What does being fat do for me? I have seen this question a lot lately. I will think about it and post tomorrow.