Monday, January 22, 2007

depression

I am so depressed. Sad. Angry. Hurt. I don't like this new reality. I don't like the fact that every single day I miss my sister. This is like some cruel joke on me. This Sunday is Denise's 35th birthday. We should be planning a huge party, like she did for my 35th. I want so much to crawl into a ball and stay there. How long is it going to hurt like this? Today is 2 months. Novemeber 22. A date that is forever etched in my mind, like a birthday or anniversary. Only this is not a happy date. No celebrating on this day. Just tears and anger and sadness. Maybe I'm going crazy and that is why I can't seem to move on with my life. Maybe this is my punishment for something horrible I did to her as a child. I didn't appreciate her then. How aweful that a person has to die before you realize what a Godsend they are in your life. We take for granted that the people we love and who love us will always be there, waiting to help us with whatever we need. We forget that life is fleeting, that we need to tell people how much they mean to us while we still can. My heart hurts and there is nothing anyone can do to make it stop. It's not fair that I didn't get to say goodbye. It's not fair that she died alone. It's not fair that nothing could save her. It's not fair that I am alone now. IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!