Sunday, December 02, 2007

scrap room

I'm sorry I haven't been around this week, I've been working on my scrap area. I am very excited to have a dedicated space for this so I don't have to drag my bags all over the house! Hubby is excited cause he will have the kitchen table back.

This is only the beginning. I can not believe how much stuff I have but I think it is because it was all in bags, so I didn't realize that I had a lot of things. I even typed out labels for the drawers and stuff. (For me, that is BIG, LOL) Hopefully by next weekend I'll be done.

So this week was ok. Eating was good, I only messed up once or twice. I do not know why I buy cookies. I know I will eat them if they are here, but still I buy them. I really need to eat breakfast. I would only have to get up 15 min. earlier, but they are a precious 15 min.!! That is my goal this week.

We are hopin we will be able to have a good Christmas this year. Hubby hasn't worked in two weeks, and my car needed a new transmission this week. $1500.00!! It is a good thing we had already decided to cut down on presents!!

Today I am going to another craft show. I hope they have some different things this time. I'm looking for Christmas presents!!

Sunday, November 25, 2007

The weekend is over...

This has been a very eventful weekend. I am tired, but in a good way. I will do a little run down on how things went.
Thursday was Thanksgiving. It was also one year since Denise passed. We decided to do our own things this year, and I am glad. I wasn't as sad as I thought I would be, but it was good to not have to put on a show for anyone. I reflected on this day and came up with the things I am thankful for. I am thankful for the time I had with my wonderful, funny, generous sister. My world would not have been the same without her to help teach me unconditional love and giving. I am thankful that I have such good and funny memories of her and of us that I will never forget. I am thankful for my wonderful friends and family who put up with my moods and sadness and try to comfort me in this most bleak period of my life. I would not have made it without you. I am thankful for discovering the *blogging* world. I seriously thought I would lose my mind at times if not for the knowledge that I could come here or Myspace and put it into words and maybe someone would understand how I felt.
Friday was hubby's 50th birthday. We decided to celebrate at CLAIM JUMPERS. He loves this place and the food is delish, so we went there. It was us, my son and girlfriend, my parents and a family friend, Kathy. Food was great and the server even brought out a piece of cake discreetly for hubby. He did not want a big production made of it!! It was a lot of fun.
Saturday was my nephew's wedding. He married a wonderful girl and they seem to truly love and respect each other. The picture above is from the wedding. My son's gf, me, my son, and hubby. It was a very nice evening. Family and friends I haven't seen in a while were there, the music was good, the food was great, and I really enjoyed myself.
Today I just rested, got the fridge cleaned out for a shopping trip tomorrow, and thought about how lucky I am. It may be time to start living again instead of just exsisting.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Manic Monday...

I hate Mondays for a variety of reasons. I have to get up REALLY early to do inventory. There is way to much paper work to do. Monday's crew is not the cream of the crop. Supervisors are on my butt ALL day. School is super busy, so we are super busy. I always feel like I wasted my Sunday.

I keep telling myself all I have to do is get through 2 more days, then a mini-break. I am taking the weekend off. Not for the holiday, but because we have hit the 1 year mark since my sister passed. November 22. This year that happens to be Thanksgiving. We have decided to do our own thing this year. I think I'm going to go to the beach in the morning, just to be alone. Denise was cremated, so there is no gravesite to go to. I have some of her ashes, but I'd like to *go* somewhere and feel her. We loved the beach, so I will try that.

I have no doubt this is going to be a rough week, but I am trying to hang on.

On the positive eating front, I did some shopping and now have some fruits and veggies in the house, some crystal light, cottage cheese, and some whole wheat pasta. I'm going to start slow, phase out the sodas, and try to stay out of the drive thru. I was thinking of getting a crock pot too, so I could have food waiting at the end of the day.

Hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving. I am thankful I had 34 wonderful years with my beautiful little sister and that she is now an angel looking out for me and my family.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Penguins and other things...

This is my penguin friend I got from Joann's for 40% off the other day. I just love him!!! I think this Christmas is gonna be a themed one...penguins! I bought the cutest wrapping paper from Target from the dollar bin, all penguins. I am trying to come up with a name for him, but nothing cute is coming to mind, LOL. I may go back and get him a friend.

My favorite show, Project Runway is back on, YEAH!! I think this year is gonna be great. I can see the cattiness already!! My first impression is I like Sweet P and Christian and Ricky.

I've decided to keep a food log for a couple of weeks, just eating the way I do now, and see what I can learn. I am not on my eating plan at all, but having done SBD for so long, I am not eating totally the way I used to. Some of it did rub off, LOL. I made a joke about my version of hell being having to constantly filling out a food log, but that got me thinking that they are good tools, if used and filled out faithfully. I won't include calories yet, the simpler the better.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Random Monday...

Just some random thoughts today...

  1. Today was a lazy day at work. No school cause of the holiday. We got a lot of cleaning done, goofed around a little, and caught up on some paperwork. Tomorrow the craziness will ensue.
  2. My cellulitis is back in full force. My leg is swollen, has blisters, and is weepy. I have some ointment left from last time and I am going to wrap it in the morning, but I need to call the Dr. and get some antibiotics. It's hard to be on your feet 10 hours when your leg feels like it's on fire!!
  3. We did some shopping yesterday. It's been a long time since I've spent all day just shopping and looking at stuff. My cousin, her daughter and I were out for 5 hours. We hit Target, Walmart, Joanne's and Michaels. Walmart for the neccessities. ( T.P.,shampoo, razors, etc..) Target for fun stuff. ( Christmas wrapping paper, cd's, movies, socks...) Michaels and Joanns for scrapbooking things that I totally don't need!! I also got the cutest penguin at Joann's for 40% off. I am really getting into penguins for Christmas. I'll post a picture later. All in all, we had a good day.
  4. I will be getting a *scrapbook* room. My son's old room has ahuge desk in it and we decided that I should put my scrapbbok stuff in there. (DH is just tired of the kitchen table being covered in papers!!) I am very excited to get started.

Well, I think that is all for tonight. I need to get my leg up. Hope everyone has a great day tomorrow...

Tuesday, November 06, 2007


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So, I'm watching Biggest Loser and the challenge is to haul as many soda cans up a ramp and into a container and the team with the most weight wins. They were talking about how many sodas a person drinks a year and so on, and I got to thinking. How much of my weight comes from liquid? I drink root beer all day long at work. Or Coke with strawberries. Or Mr. Pibb. At home, snapples. Rasberry ice tea, peach ice tea, once in a while, coke. Nothing diet. I HATE the way diet soda tastes.

I need to drink water. Or crystal light, which I don't really have a problem with. The calories I consume in sugary drinks are around 1500. It is an estimate cause working in a restaraunt, we drink out of little cups so there are some estimating going on. That is amazing. 1500. That is seriously something to think about.

Sunday, November 04, 2007


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I picked up this CD today and LOVE it!! There is country sounds, pop sounds and ballads. I think now that LeAnn has grown up, she's grown into her voice.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Baby shower layout

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This is my layout of Joanna's Baby shower. I used the paper I got last week from Making Memories of the noteworthy line. I love the circle thing. It is totally different from anything else I've done and I like that.

Thursday, October 25, 2007


I went scrapbook shopping today. I did not NEED anything, but I love new papers and looks so of course I bought stuff. This paper and embellishments is from the Bohemia line of papers. I find myself drawn to the unusual.

This is the noteworthy line from Making memories. I love the ledger look of the paper and the circle paper. I can't wait to get started on a project with this stuff.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007


So. CAL. is on fire. This picture was taken in Running Springs, Ca., one of the fires close to me. In Riverside, where we live, we are pretty safe, but where I work in Colton is full of smoke and ash. They closed the college across the street from work today at 4 and they'll be closed tomorrow too. Prayers to all, and for a safe night and speedy containment.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

So you think you can dance?

I admit I get inspiration from weird places. Milk ads, Angelina Jolie, and now silly reality tv shows. I am flipping channels right now and come across this show, "So you think you can dance?" on MTV. It is the elimination part. The judge asks a contestent who is on the block how much effort did he put into his solo. The contestant answers zero. The judge tells him to step back and the audience boos. The judge turns around and looks at the audience and says how can you boo? This man is fighting for his life on this show and put ZERO effort into his solo. A man fighting for his life can not put in ZERO effort and expect positive results. When you are fighting for your life you practice and work and endure until you are safe. Needless to say, he was booted off the show.

So how much work did I put into eating healthy and changing my self-loathing issues this week? ZERO!! I did nothing to instill some positive changes, did nothing to promote good eating, did nothing to prepare for emergency situations, did no exercise, nothing. How can I expect life changes if I put ZERO effort into making the changes?

Tuesday, October 16, 2007


These are the layouts I did for my son's scrapbook while I was sick. The first one is us in the hospital. 1985. I was 19. Boy, was I young!! He is 2 days old. I had to have a c-section and was given general anestetic (sp?) so the first day I was out!!
The second page is our first day home. He is now 6 days old. We were in the hospital 5 days cause of the c-section.
The third page is my hubby and my son on his first Father's Day, 1985. We went to Redondo Beach, Calif. We love Redondo. It has a pier, shops, places to eat, and if you want you can go into the sand and water. (I do not like sand, so I stay on the pier, LOL)

On the diet front, I have been able to keep some solid food down the last couple of days. I haven't really had to watch what I'm eating, I'm sticking to eggs and cereal for right now. On a side note, do not, I repeat, DO NOT buy the mini dark chocolate mint 3 musketeers. These things are HEAVEN and can not be eaten in a rational manner. Oh, to be normal and not eat a whole bag of candy at once.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Lazy Sunday

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Yes, I am still alive. I have been sick though. Some kind of stomach virus. I could not hold down anything!! I have lost 5 more pounds. Not the kind of diet I recomend though.

Today I took it easy. Tomorrow it is back to work. I did get in some scrapbooking, I'll post some pics later. I am doing a book for my son. From birth to new apartment.

That's all for now. I'll post more tomorrow.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

busy weekend

Well, this weekend was very busy. Saturday my one and only son moved into his own place with his girlfriend.
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It is a very cute 2 bedroom apartment 10 minutes from my house. I like that. It has been very weird having him as a *guest*. I am sad, but I like his girlfriend a lot, she is very sweet and they seem to care about each other very much. One of my biggest fears was my son finding someone I didn't like. LOL!!

Sunday was my birthday. 42 years old. How did that happen??? I remember when 35 seemed ancient!! I received 2 gift cards, one for Barnes and Noble and one for Joanne's. My 2 favorite places in the world!! Do they know me or what? I thought it would be very adult of me to come up with some goals for next year, something to work towards, but all I can come up with is 2 things: to love your friends and family and let them know you love them. You never know when you will see them for the last time. My other goal is to be happy with myself. I am very hard on myself. I need to relax and savor the small things. In other words, "Don't worry, be happy." (Thanks Denise, I know you inspired this. I love you.)

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

still here

Well, I've been on my anti-depressents for a week now. I have noticed the fact that I don't cry all the time, but I'm still listless, don't feel like doing much, hence the *no new blogs*, and still would sleep all day if given the chance. I'm not giving up though, I've been told they need a minimum of 4 to 6 weeks to give the full affect. I'm sure it is not helping that life is moving on. My DS, Joel announced yesterday that he is moving in with his girlfriend this weekend. I will be an empty nester. I knew they were considering it, but thought I had a little bit of time to get used to the idea. I am also not thrilled that there is no ceremony in sight. I'm not really old fashioned, but I do believe in marriage. The *living together* thing is too easy to get out of. No incentive to stick it out if things get rough. Oh well, my opinion was not asked for, so I'll keep it to myself. Now tomorrow I get to go shopping, as the new apartment renters have nothing. And my nothing, I mean NOTHING. I remember the days.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Dr. visit today...

This morning I went to see my doctor. All in all it was pretty good news all around. My blood pressure was 130/80. My weight was down 13 lb. (!!). I was prescribed Paxil for my depression, given a referral for a mamogram, and had some blood work done to test for diabetes, cholesterol, and other stuff that I can't remember. I have to go back in about 2 weeks.

I talked to him about the depression and it was like I was talking to Tom Cruise. Clearly this Dr. does not believe in mental illnesses. He says it is natural to be upset after a loved one dies. I said yes, but is it natural to want to take the woman who cut in front of you at Walmart and pound her head into the floor till you see blood? Cause that Is what I wanted to do Monday night. Is it normal for the words, Do you need anything hun? ,to bring you to the brink of a crying jag that lasted 10 mins.? Is it normal to hear your son talk about moving out with his girlfriend and not care? I don't think so, but I don't have a medical degree either. I finally convinced him to give me something, I think it was the walmart incident that did it.

I also want to thank everyone who has shown concern, I really appreciate it. Everyone says that mourning is an up and down proccess and they are absolutely right. I know things are harder right now as we approach the 1 year mark, and I am trying to just go with the flow, but it is so hard right now. I just ache to talk to Denise, laugh with her, see her. I miss her so much.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

we will never forget

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a scare

Today I had a pretty good scare. It actually starts Friday. I went into town to have dinner with my Mom and her friend. I get there, it was a surprise, and no one answers the door. I call my Dad on his cell and he says that Mom is feeling ill and canceled dinner. I went to meet him at costco and we eat pizza.
OK, my Mom has a lot of illnesses, of which I won't get into now. Let's just say that if she is not feeling well, we are concerned cause that usually means a trip to the emergency room. So, I call her Saturday night, no answer. Thats OK, she's probably resting. I call her Sunday night, no answer. That's OK, they probably went out to dinner. I call her Monday night, no answer. Now I'm thinking, something is weird. Even if she was not home when I called, she would have called me back. I called the house 10 times today from work. No answer. I start calling my Dad's cell. The subscriber you are trying to reach is not in service at this time. I heard this message 15 times today. I am now seriously worried. My Dad is 77 years old. My Mom is 68 and in bad health. ANYthing could have happened. They could be sick and can't get to the phone. Maybe one of them fell, and the other is sick. Maybe the unthinkable has happened and the other one is in shock. You can not imagine the horrible things I was thinking. I call my supervisor and left work 2 hours early to make the hour drive down to the house to make sure they are OK.

Of course, they are all right. The gardener cut the phoneline accidently Saturday when he was pruning the bushes at the side of the house. My parents did not know how to call out on the cell phone to let me know everything was OK. (They now know how to do this!!) We called the phone company to come out and fix the line. They gave me a key to the front door in case I have to get in.

So here is my dilema. I am really angry. I mean REALLY REALLY angry. I am mad at my sister. How could she leave me to go through this by myself. If she were still here, I could call her and hear that everything is fine, laugh about the phone line, and be done with it. How selfish is that?? I don't know what to do. What is there to do? She is gone and I am here. Struggling.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

clean kitchen

This is what I accomplished this morning. The before pics are pretty gruesome, but why sugar coat it? I am very proud of myself, and tired!!! Now to keep it this way!!!

Wednesday, September 05, 2007


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Tomorrow I will be cleaning my kitchen. I do not look forward to this, in fact, I dread it. I HATE cleaning my house. There is nothing about cleaning that I like. I odten think that there is something seriously wrong with me. Where is my "womanly" cleaning gene at? Isn't cleaning something all women like to do? All except me. My kitchen is a disaster. The table is covered with scrapbooking stuff, my chairs are covered with magazines and books, the cabinets are covered with junk. I am going to get rid of all the crap, and organize the other stuff. Hopefully this won't be an all day thing. Maybe I'll take pics. Maybe not. It is pretty bad!!

Thursday, August 30, 2007

how much?!?!?!

OK. I will start this off by saying that this blog is not for them faint of heart. I am going to be mean and nasty and whiney, so you are forwarned................................................

First off, I AM FREAKIN HOT!!!!!! Our air conditioner has broken down, I am off work, and it is going to be 106 today. The house feels like it is 206. I know that is impossible, but that is how it feels. I am sweating just sitting here typing. I have every fan in the house going, just to circulate the hot air. Now on the news they are saying that we may have a stage 2 energy event which means they start shutting off power. I love California.

I go to the DR. this morning. It was not good news. I knew this before I went, but had talked myself into thinking he would ignore my weight and focus on other things. Silly, silly me. Why do I forget that EVERYTHING else that is wrong with me goes back to my weight??? Lose some weight and I could help fix: my high blood pressure, my borderline diabetes, the cellulitis in my leg that is flaring up, the fact that my periods are becoming increasingly irregular, the heat rash I have on one side of my neck, and the fact that I feel like shooting someone in a white labcoat. I have gained 15 lb. 15. I now weigh as much as a baby hippo. I have noone to blame but myself. For whatever reason I can not find the strenghth it takes to get serious about my eating plan. I am a failure.

Then I come home to discover I have a serious case of the runs and I started my period, 2 weeks early. I kinda wish this had happened this morning, might have made a difference on the scale, LOL. So all the errands I was going to run, in my air conditioned car, have been put off. I can only go 30 minutes or so without a bathroom run. I am drinking lots of water, but am really wanting coke.

So, I am fat, hot, tired and sick. Won't hubby be in for a surprise tonight.
(The pic is from I can has a cheeseburger?)

Tuesday, August 28, 2007


This is the layout I worked on last night. This picture of Denise and I was taken at our Grandmother's house, probably at Easter, given the flowers. I was 8 or 9 and Denise was 2 or 3. I really like the paper, but sometimes I think the background is too busy.
I did leave work early today, a little family emergency. I really didn't want to be there any way. I am really getting burnt out there.
I have some tomatoes and zuchini left over from the farmer's market, I have got to think of something good for dinner. Maybe some kind of salad. I don't know, I'll think on it.
OK, enough randomness.

Monday, August 27, 2007

new layouts

These are my newest layouts. My friend went to Disney World in Orlando and brought me back these pics. Aren't they cute? The Princesses cause I like Cinderella and Denise loved Snow White, and Pooh and Tigger cause I like them. I'm actually happy with how these turned out. (Usually I'm not.)

I was thinking today I would love to have a job doing something I like to do. I spent all day looking forward till I could come home and finish this layout. I couldn't finish it last night cause I could not (can not) for the life of me, figure out how to use the Disney font I downloaded. It has dissapeared into the inner workings of my computer, never to be seen again. I downloaded it, I looked at it in it's file, then I lost it. No idea where it got cubbied into. So finally I just printed out my title in this wonderful font. It was either that, or buy a new computer as this one was going out the window.

Eating today was Ok in the sense that I did not eat. A bran muffin for Breakfast, nothing for lunch, it got left behind this morning as I ran out the door, and 2 ww tortilla wraps made with...turkey bologna. I know, I know, too exciting. I was dead tired and did not want to cook cause then I'd have to clean.

Now I'm off to do another layout. I am inspired...

Friday, August 17, 2007

Farmer's Market

This morning I got up and went to the local Farmer's Market. Since I usually work Friday mornings, this was something I was looking forward to doing. Here are some pictures of some of my loot. I love the mexican zucchinis, they are great steamed whole and hubby loves jalapenos. I am such a bread junkie, and this woman makes every kind of bread imaginable sugar free. This is an 11 grain, sugar free apple cinnamon bread. YUMMY!! Of course I had to get a tub of kalamata olives. This man of greek decsent brines them himself in white wine vinegar. They are sooo good. I also get some beautiful tomatoes and sunflowers, but the battery went out on my camera.
I also got in some walking, which is good, although by 9:30 am it was 92 degrees out. (UUGGHH) I think I will make it a mission to check out the Thursday night farmer's market in Redlands next week. I really like the idea of fresh fruit and veggies, and at night it would be a lot cooler. LOL.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007


I am off of work for the next 4 days!!!! I am soooo happy!!! I don't really have anything special planned, lunch with Ryan tomorrow, dinner with my Mom and Kathy on Friday, and the rest of the time to lay around. Definetely want to get some reading done, I have the new Ann Rule book to get started, and want to do some scrapbooking.

I am so excited. No supervisors, no lower management asking stupid questions, no worries about someone not showing up for their shift, no worrying about wether they went over in hours, NOTHING!!!!!!

I will also be concentrating on my eating. 5 small meals a day, no starches, no sugar, more fruits and veggies. I am hoping with me home for 4 days, I can get rid of the cravings for the bad stuff before I have to go back to work.

Monday, August 13, 2007


I know I've been MIA this week, things at work have been crazy!! People quitting, people getting sick and hurt, Things just a mess in general. I have worked 3 6-day work weeks, and I am exhausted.

I also have been thinking a lot of Denise lately and I don't usually post after that. I don't want this to become a "lets feel sorry for me, my sister passed away" blog. I just really miss her. Really. You never really realize how special someone is till you lose them. I try to go on, to not be mired down in my sadness, and usually do OK. This last week though, was rough. No paticular reason, just thought about her a lot. Probably was because of working so much I had to cancel on my parents twice, and I felt very guilty about that. Very soon they won't be around and I will hate myself for all the times I put work ahead of them. At least before, Denise was around, there, to be with them so they didn't miss me as much.

This page is the last page in a scrapbook I did for my Mom for her birthday. (You can see the whole book on webshots.) She was so many things to so many of us here left behind.

(Needless to say my eating has been off the charts. I really really hate that emotional eating thing I've got going on. I will do better this week. There is no more candy in the house!!)

Thursday, August 02, 2007


I found this site thru another blogger and I LOVE it!! I have sat and laughed for 3 days now, going over the pictures. I love cats, they are so silly, so serious, and so private, but the cutest things in the world, so this site really appeals to me. I hope everyone else enjoys it too.

Saturday, July 28, 2007



Thursday, July 26, 2007


I know it is the middle of July, But I am really, really tired of the heat. Where I live in So. Cal., we are literally at the border of civilization and the desert. I weigh roughly double what I should, so carrying around all this extra insulation really SUCKS!!!! I do not know what possessed me to agree to move out here, instead of closer to the beach. Oh yeah, I remember. It was CHEAP!!!

The one good thing about being so miserable is I have no appetite. With the peptic ulcer, I have to eat something, but the things I want are fresh, cool things. Today I ate very well, lots of fruit and veggies, and my only indulgence was a watermelon "paleta". (A mexican version of a popscicle made out of fruit juice.) The watermelon ones are to die for!!!

I also got some exercise, indulging in my favorite sport, shopping. I parked the car at the end of the isle and walked around to all the stores instead of moving the car. I had to get some B-day presents for the kids of one of my employees. 3 in one month. I also did some scrapbook shopping. I may have to restrict myself from that for a while. I have an insane amount of paper and embellishments now.

Well, that's all for now. Back to sweatin thru the blog lists.

Monday, July 23, 2007

mashed cauliflower

Call me crazy, but mashed cauliflower is my new favorite food. Being on the South Beach Diet, one of the favorite things to do is to find substitutes for old favorites like pancakes, chessecake and mashed potaoes.
I first tried the mashed cauliflower about 6 months ago. I didn't like it. I was amazed people actually ate this. A couple of tips. 1~use fresh frozen cauliflower. The cauliflower I used was circa 1998. VERY bad. 2~steam, rather than boil, the cauliflower. 3~use plenty of "I can't believe it's not butter." Use fresh butter, not the stick that has been sitting next to the raw onion for 2 weeks.
I tried it again last week, using these tips. It is very good. Now mind you, it will NEVER take the place of mashed potatoes, the texture is just not the same, but it is very tasty. I made some more tonight, ate it with a chicken breast. With my stomach playing games with me, I have been sticking to soft, non spicy foods. I better lose some weight from all this mess!!

Friday, July 20, 2007

new layouts

These are my 2 new layouts. The first one is a layout of the lillies in my garden. I really like the way it came out. I used some new things, well, new to me, like the corner punch and having the mats behind the pics.
The second layout is my cousin R and myself. We have been like sisters thru the years. the top pic is when we were 12 or 13, the bottom pic is 18-19, and the side pic is early 40's. (I know, I can't believe it either!!!) I don't know about this layout, I'm thinking the paper is very busy. I like the concept, I may go back and re-work it
On the diet front, I have been forced into a diet because I couldn't get myself there on my own. I have a "peptic ulcer" or a bleeding ulcer. The Doc says with antibiotics and a better diet, it can be controled and I won't be subjected to a life of boiled chicken and buttermilk. I need to eat fresh fruit and veggies, no caffeine, no soda, no spicy foods and no processed foods. We are trying to keep the stomach acids down. Maybe this is God's way of telling me to get with it!!

Tuesday, July 17, 2007


This Sunday we had a cookout at my parent's house. When I was a kid, we used to do this every couple of months. It is one of my favorite memories of childhood. The family was really big then. Now, people have passed away, gone to differnet states, and just plain don't want to hang out anymore.
My Mom has been a little down, so I suggested a cookout. It was my family, my parents, and my cousin Ricki's family. We had a lot of fun. It is something we should do more often.
The top pic is my Dad, cooking the burgers and the 2nd is everyone relaxing after eating.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

craft show

Today my cousin, her daughter and I went to the local craft show. I love these things!! I am always so inspired when I see what things people can come up with. I was a little sad cause they always have a lot of "sister" stuff, and I used to buy a lot for Denise. She loved this stuff like I did. But all things considered, it was a good day. We did a lot of walking, 1st at the show then at walmart, we had lunch at the buffet, but I didn't over do it. I just wish my days off could last 48 hours insted of 24...

Thursday, July 05, 2007

going with the flow...

What is it about the word diet that freaks me out so much? A couple of weeks ago, I thought I had had a break thru in my thinking. "What nurishes me also destroys me". That was a POWERFUL statement and I took it to heart. I decided then and there that I was going to get my butt in gear and do what was neccesary to loss this weight once and for all. I bought healthy food, I exercised, I chanted my mantra faithfully throughout the day. "What nurishes me also destroys me". I felt better, my legs weren't swollen, I didn't have the usual headaches, I was more energized. Then the dreaded diet word. A co-worker..."Oh, your DIET must be working, I can tell you've lost some weight." UUUGGGHHH!!!
Now I am starting the same old patterns. Eating what is easy VS. what is good. No exercise. Eating ice cream (It was a reward at work), Cake (an employee was leaving), chips (it's Ok this one time), regular soda (No one put the diet in the fridge to get cold), and the kicker of all kickers, the breakfast I ate this morning. From a local fastfood joint. a 3 egg ham and cheese omelet, hash brown potatoes, bisquits and country gravy, and OJ. My reasoning for this? If I don't give into the craving, I will eat much worse later on. I feel like a stuffed pig.
How do I train my brain to ignore the DIET word? When I was eating healthy, I really had no desire for the crap. It was my descion to eat the good stuff. Put the DIET word in there and I have no choice. I am doomed to a life of lettuce and shredded wheat for the rest of my life and I rebel.
So now what? I pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep going. Hopefully, learn something from this. Just go with the flow. I am not on a DIET, I am on a life changing journey.
(The picture is of Niagra Falls, Canada.)

Monday, July 02, 2007


This is my Mom and myself at Po' Folks restaraunt Friday night for her birthday. We had a really nice time. Sorry the picture is kinda blurry. My Mom's friend was a little shaky with the camera.

Friday, June 29, 2007


I put a couple of my projects on webshots, the link on my page, check them out if you like....

This Week

So, I have been pretty bad about posting this week, I know. I have been a little down, with the financial problems we had, my best friend from work is quitting, so I'm on my own now in the slave pit, and my Mom has been a little down, today is her birthday. She feels like she should not be here anymore with all the illness she has, and if she were able too, would have made a deal with someone to let her pass on and keep Denise here. I completely understand why she feels that way, but it is hard, none the less.

Eating has been OK. I don't think I've lost anything, but I'm sure I didn't gain either, so I'm OK with that. I am going to go to the store tonight and get stocked up on some fresh foods, watermelon, veggies, apples, etc, so I will be ready on Saturday to really pick up without any excuses. I took today off to spend time with my Mom, so I have to work on Sunday. AS hot as it's been, I'm OK with that.

I went out to breakfast this morning with my cousin, she was telling me about going to the beach on Monday. Monday was the anniversary of her death. She went to Huntington Beach pier to throw out some roses for her (her ashes were spread there) and she said when she got to the end of the pier there were 2 dolphins playing there and she felt some peace that Aunt Barbara was there and telling her everything was OK. (Ricki LOVES dolphins) I hope that is what it was so Ricki can move on. Her Mother's death has been very hard on her. Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

I guess that is all for now, next week I will go back to posting at least once a day. It helps keep me accountable.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Back on the wagon

Well, I did really well for 4 days. Watched what I was eating, ate breakfast, took healthy snacks to work. Then Friday it went to hell. I haven't gone completely bananas, but I am dangerously close to the edge, so now it is time to climb back on the wagon. "What nourishes me also destroys me" I need to get back to basics. It was typical emotional eating that threw me off. We had a serious financial crisis this week that my parents had to bale us out of. I am mortified at this turn of events, but it is what it is, and now is the time to learn from my mistakes and go forward.

As is par for the course, I tend to beat myself up for things that go badly, and overeating is the first thing to appear in my voyage of self hatred. Sometimes I seriously think I need some professional help.

Anyway, tomorrow is a new day, and the damage is minimal, so I start again in my fight.

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Friday, June 22, 2007


2006 scrapbook

OK, if I did this right, this is a show of my first scrapbook. It is for the year 2006.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Do I still have a sister?

A co-worker today asked to see a picture of my son cause I had been bragging about him. In the same holder are a lot of pictures of my sister. THe first picture, in fact, is the last picture taken of her, at my cousin's wedding. She innocently asked, is this your sister? I replied yes. She asked, how many sisters do you have? I replied one. She said, now or before? I replied, I have always had and will always have one sister. Now that my sister is gone, is she no longer my sister? I realize the question was asked without malice, but it really made me sad. Because she is no lomger with me, do people assume I am an only child now? Does thae fact that she is no longer here mean she ceases to exsist in people's minds? I guess it doesn't really matter, she exsists in my heart.


My eating is going well. I am almost afraid that I am not eating enough. THat phrase has really gotten me thinking. Everything I put into my mouth, I question now. Don't get me wrong, that is a good thing. I just had to run to the store and buy some good food. And I will have to take healthy snacks to work. I couldn't make myself eat anything there yesterday.

So far today I have had oatmeal and a plum. Are the skins on a plum supposed to be so sour? That was hard to handle. I don't know what lunch will be, something light cause I am going out to dinner with my Mom tonight. My Dad has been ill, and we are getting her out of the house.

Monday, June 11, 2007

I've been thinking about Denise a lot today. I think it is because I started getting the stuff for her scrapbook together last night. I am currently doing the book for my cousin of her cruise, and I have a few little projects planned, pages, not whole books, then I want to get started on the book for Denise.
I can not believe she has been gone for over 6 months. I miss her terribly. I have been working on a poem, maybe soon it will be ready. She had such a zest for life, she didn't let her size get in the way of much. If she could do it, great, if not, oh well. Lately I've wondered how much of that was an act. She didn't go to our cousin's wedding cause of her size. She had quit going to the movies, which she loved, cause of her size. I wonder how much of why we are fat has to do with heredity and how much is just us.
We both are sugar addicts. When we cleaned her room out, the candy I found was amazing. I'm like that too. I have to have something sweet. And I have to have it now. Once I start thinking about it, I will not let up until I have it. Kinda like a spoiled child. She hid the fact that she ate so much junk from my Mom. She would bring it into the house in her purse. I find myself doing that too. Not sneaking it in, but waiting until everyone is gone or asleep before I eat it. No witnesses, no calories.
She shouldn't have died so soon. We should have taken a more active role in helping her lose weight. If only we'd known what a life and death deal it was.
I remembered my quote today, and it did help in some of my food choices. I had a ww bun with my burger, no cheese at lunch. I took 1/2 the chips out of a 2 1/2 oz. bag of chips and put the rest away for my snack. I considered staying away from the chips altogether, but I have to be realistic. If I say I CAN'T have something, I become obsessed. So I'm going to try the better portion method. I am going to stay away from refined products, sugar, flour, etc., but if I want something, I will eat only the portion size so i don't feel deprived. I am also going to up the veggies, up the water, and zero out the soda. Baby Steps.
"Quod me nutriste me destruite"

Sunday, June 10, 2007

"Quod me nutrit me destruit"

Who would have thought that I would get inspiration from Angelina Jolie? I have always thought she was a beautiful woman physically, and everyone knows about her charitable work. Today I read an article about her because she has a new movie coming out. In the article they told about a tattoo she has. It says "Quod me nutrit me destriut". It means "What nourishes me also destroys me." OH MY GOD!!!!!!! How appropriate is this quote. What nourishes me also destroys me. If I abuse what is supposed to nourish me, to be fuel for my body to function, it will detroy me.

Diabetes? It will destroy me. High blood pressure? It will destroy me. Cellulitis? It will destroy me. Depression, back pain, pinched nerves? They will destroy me. If I continue to abuse my body this way, I will be destroyed. I am 41 years old. Given my family history, I am a ticking time bomb. I need to get my act together and use food for nourishment not pleasure or love or fulfilment or whatever.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

My fat shield

The other day I said I would analyze my reasons for staying fat. I've spent 2 days thinking and this is what I have come up with.

1~ My fat is a shield. Being this weight I am invisible. People usually ignore me. I am OK with that. I do not like the extra attention. When I was a teenager, I lost a lot of weight. I went from 215 to 130 in the span of a summer. (I was told that I had a thyriod condition and was put on a seriously strict diet.) All of a sudden, I had a body. I am big chested, and that combined with the emergence of hips and curves out of the childlike blob of a body I had turned some heads. I was 12-13 years old and seriously looked 18. Guys were always hitting on me. And it wasn't always the nice, casual hit. It was, WOW, great jugs!! And boys (men) thought they could touch me. WTF? Since when is it ever OK to touch someone you don't know?
2~ My fat is mine. I got married at 18. My hubby is 8 years older than me. He has always been very demanding. My house is not clean enough. My cooking is not good enough. My mothering was not good enough. My sexuality wasn't good enough. He feels the need to constantly berate me, correct me, counsel me, and talk down to me. He is always on me to lose weight and be pretty again. He tells me I am a disgrace and ugly and he is embarrassed by me. He may be right, but by GOD Almighty, this fat is MINE and no matter how much he bitches and moans, I can hang onto it if I want and he can't do a thing about it.
3~ My fat is my excuse. Anything I don't want to do or can't do, I can blame on me being fat. DIDN't clean the house today? My legs and back hurt. (from carrying extra weight) Go to the beach? At this weight, are you crazy? Go shopping at the ultra mall they just built? I can't walk that far.
So, Do I need some therapy or what????

Now that I know these things, how do I fix them?

baby steps

Today I got up 15 minutes early so I could eat breakfast. I had some oatmeal. Not the good kind, that takes 10 minutes to make. The instant weight control oatmeal. It is not good. I may have to get up 30 minutes early. I know to most people this isn't a big deal, but to me it is. Sleep is precious, and I never seem to have enough. Why don't I go to bed early? Because right now I am sleeping on the couch in the front room. (because of my leg, I'm afaid my husband will kick it on accident) Our house is not settled until 11 or 11:30 at night. Then I have to get up at 3:45 to go into bed when Hubby gets up. Then I have to get up at 6:00 to make sure my son is up for work. I know I should just stay up then, but that extra hour of sleep until 7 is special to me. Maybe I'll make hubby sleep on the sofa, buy my son an alarm clock he can actually hear, and not wake up all the time. I doubt it. That would mean putting myself first.

Sunday, June 03, 2007


This is my cat Daisy. She is trying to cool off in my son's window. I can not believe how hot it is already here. Today was 90 degrees.

I hate the summertime. I am so hot. I sweat horribly. I can't wear cute *summer* clothes. If we ever sell this house, I am definetely movong closer to the beach.

I've been reading 'Chicken Soup for the Dieter's Soul' I started it last night. The thing that keep being pointed out to me is that I have to change my thinking form *diet* to *way of life*. The more I think of this as a diet, the more I am doomed to fail. I need to change my lifestyle. I need to go from eating chocolate, cookies, bread, muffins, buttered popcorn, biscuits and gravy to eating good for me, low calorie fruits, vegetables, whole grains and water.

What does being fat do for me? I have seen this question a lot lately. I will think about it and post tomorrow.

Friday, May 25, 2007

More random thoughts

A very good friend of mine, Cheryl, took this picture a couple of weeks ago. I absolutely love it!! Everything about it is perfect. I hope one day she will put up a website or blog with her pictures on it, she is very talented.

So, I have more random thoughts today, so things might jerk along.

Today is the last day of my vacation, and tomorrow it is back to work. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I could see myself having another couple of days off, but on the other, going back to work is OK too. I do miss the kids there. They are like my other family. I really didn't do anything with my time off. Tues. and Wed. just sat around the house and slept. A lot. Yesterday I went with my cousin to a scrapbooking store out in Ontario I had heard about. It was amazing. I have never seen so much stuff in one place before. I will definetely have to go back. It was a little pricey, I spent $36.00, but the stuff I bought I haven't seen anywhere else. Then we went out to lunch and talked. Ricki(my cousin) is going to be a grandma. Her daughter,Joanna, is 5 weeks pregnant. She is thrilled. It is amazing cause it seems like a few years ago when she was telling me she was pregnant with Joanna.

Today I am going out to dinner with my Mom and her friend, Kathy. They always go out on Friday nights, and since I'm home, I invited myself along. I think it will be fun. This has been a hard week for me and it should end on a good note.

This picture I took this morning after watering the plants. I can't believe my luck in getting in the shot of the butterfly. I just feel lucky right now, I can't explain it. Any hoo, I need to go finish the housework, just thought I'd put some of this stuff down.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Do I really want to do it?

I have been reading some of the blogs I keep track of, and one of them really hit me today. The blogger had gone to a great deal of trouble to have some alone time to track and keep her diet motivated. Set up an office space, got her printer out of the closet, set up supplies. It reminded me a lot of myself. I am a great *getting ready to do it* person. Have the supplies? Check. Have the motivational quotes? Check. Have the recipes downloaded from the internet? Check. Have the websites of key diet and inspirational web pages and/or the dailt e-mails set up? Check.

Maybe it is the planning that gets me off. Maybe the sense that I have done something, when in fact I really haven't. The illusion that I really really am going to do it this time. I am very good at planning. It is the implementation of things that gets me. I can plan my menu of the day, then get up late and say oh well, I blew it. I don't have time now to pre package everything, I'll be late for work. I can make a list of things I want to accomplish while I am home, then wait until Friday and do it all in one day.

Maybe if I actually start something, I might be expected to finish it. If I lost 5 lb., I might be expected to lose 50. It is much, much easier to say that my plans got waylaid then to say that I didn't want it enough, that I wasn't important enough, that it was too much work. Gaining 150 lb. was quite easy. Sit around, eat, eat and eat. Losing it is a bitch. Actually sweating to the oldies??? Depriving myself of that 1/2 pan of brownies that are calling out my name? Fighting that late night craving instead of giving in? My God, if I had that kind of determination, just think of where I could be right now. Just think.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

random thoughts

This is one of my geranium plants. Last year I couldn't get this plant to do anything. This year it got huge. I really like geraniums alot. A little water, a little sun, cut off the dead flowers and they will stay nice and green for you.

I have a lot of random thoughts today. Today is the sixth month anniversary of my sister's death. I can not believe that so much time has passed. I am on vacation till Friday, and my original plan was to stay in bed all day and mope around, feeling sorry for myself. When I woke up in the morning, something else happened. I wanted to get out and work on the side garden. I planted 2 day lillies, a purple flower I can't remember the name of, some geraniums, some verbena, and a hydrangea. I bought some solor lights to put in too. I have a feeling of accomplishment, things are growing, renewing, as it should be, I guess.

I really would like to change the way I think about food, dieting, exercise, my weight, my health, everything in general. I know one of the things holding me back is the way I look at things. I look at it as being deprived. I won't get my fair share, or something is being withheld from me. I need to change that attitude and realize that food is to energize my body, not to comfort me when I am sad, angry, lonely, whatever...

Tomorrow I think I am going to start on Denise's scrapbook. I want to get it going, but I'm afraid I will get emotional. Just one page at a time, right!!!

Sunday, May 20, 2007


This is Alyssa. Her mom, Annie works for me at the restaraunt. She is the sweetest little girl, very,very smart, and cute as a button. They gave me her school, picture, and as I don't have a little girl, thought this would be a good opportunity to do a *girlie* layout. Annie knows I think she is very hard on Alyssa, expecting her to be grown up already, so that is why I put the quote on the botton, to remind Annie that Alyssa is just a little girl. I framed this layout so Annie could hang it up in Alyssa's room. (I know I should post the materials used, but I can't remember all of it, I will post that later, after I go find the papers.)

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

my lilies

These are the lilies from my garden. Someone gave me some bulbs last year, and I threw them in this pot, and forget about them. I can not believe how beautiful they are. I tried to find out what kind they are, but the closest I can get is some type of stargazer lily. I am in love with that color.

It helps to remind me that life goes on. With everything that went on this winter, the only water these things got was from the rain, and it was a very dry year here. Even with all the neglect and no tlc, they bloomed. It is a testiment to stregnth.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

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Today is Mother's Day, I hope everyone has a great day. I called my Mom last night, I had sent her a card, and took her present (2 rose bushes) over there last weekend. I know she is sad because Denise isn't there, but after talking to her, she seems a little more at peace with everything, which makes me very happy.

Friday, May 04, 2007

exersice, ugh!!

I hate to exercise. I work for 8-10 hours a day on my feet. I have always considered this all the exercise I need, but apparently I am wrong. My main problem is I am a very big girl. Doing even 10 minutes on the treadmill is hard for me, and I get disgusted with myself. I've tried tapes and DVD's, but I am also very uncordinated, so that frustrates me too. I do 5 or 10 mins, and quit cause I can't do the things the way they are on the tapes.
It annoys me that I have gotten into this mess. When I was younger, I was overweight, but I was still very active. I walked or rode my bike everywhere. I played tennis and raquetball, I was outside a lot. Maybe I should look in the toy section amd find something that would be fun or game-like and take the *work* out of workout.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

cats and stuff

This is my baby, Daisy. We have had her for about 3 years. My hubby found her on New Year's Day, under our van. It was raining, so he brought her in. This is the man who does not like animals. She has him wrapped around her little paw!! She follows him all over the house. I have to admit, I am a little jealous. I would love for her to cuddle with me, but she is not having any of that!!!

today at work was OK. We were busy cause it was the 2nd, so that was good. I got up late, and forgot my breakfast and snack at home. I was really scared today that I was gonna lose it and go over board on the food, since I didn't have my prepared stuff. I did pretty good. I did eat a flour tortilla, but other than that, I didn't lose control. My problem now is I am really hungry. I just ate dinner, and I still feel hungry. I will probably have some popcorn later. I need to watch myself later, when I get off of here.

Tomorrow I am going to make a trip to trader joe's. Got their flyer today and saw some stuff I think would be good for my *way of eating*. Need to mix it up a little. I am sooooooo glad I am off tomorrow.