Sunday, December 24, 2006

Christmas

Tomorrow is Christmas. It has been 1 month and 2 days since Denise died. I wonder if this is the way I will tell time now. It has been ___days since Denise died. It has been ____months since Denise died. Today has been rough. I have cried more today than since the days following her death. I am hoping that means tomorrow I can hold it together. I feel the need to be strong for the family. It is going to be so weird with out her. Her laughter, her smile, her bragging that her present was better then yours. It is so unfair. She was a beautiful caring person and I don't care why she is gone. I don't care about the reasons or God's reasons. All I know is I want her here with me. With us. I miss her so much. I don't want to be the only one left. I'm so sorry I didn't appreciate her while she was here. Does she know how much I love her? Was she scared? Did she know she was going to die? Was Jesus there to make her transition painless? so many questions and no answers. I hate that. I don't think I can except that. Merry Christmas sweetheart. I love you and miss you.

2 comments:

  1. E, I just wanted to express my sympathy and condolences at this most difficult time for you and your family. I, too, lost a sibling unexpectedly and each year brings such bittersweet memories. I was told, after losing my husband at an early age that you must experience each season without your loved one and grieve anew each time. And I've found that this is true. Each special holiday, each anniversary brings pain and yet fond remembrance and gratitude for the time and happy memories we have. I'm a person of faith so I have left the "whys" to God, for only He knows the real reasons why our loved ones are allowed to leave us. I only ask that He comfort me---and now you, too---when we cannot find comfort in questions that have no answer.
    My prayers, E, are said for you in your loss right now.
    God be with you!
    Carney, from the SBD board

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  2. Evelyn, it does get easier with time but it never goes away. Really you don't want it to go away because if the pain was gone then you would begin to forget and you never want that either. As for the questions well they will always be there and you will wonder again and again probably til the day you die. I know I lost my son in August of 1986 and I still question why, get angry and want him here, wonder what life would have been and its been 20 years now. I still cry on Mothers Day, on his birthday and now the anniversary of his death, christmas, easter, every holiday and I am resigned to the fact that that is how it will be for me. I mark time now not in months like you do but in years. I can't believe its been 20 years since Robbie died. I have adjusted to life without him, as you will with Denise, and you will learn to laugh without feeling guilty and you will feel happiness again but you life has changed dramatically and you will need to learn to adjust to it. Don't be afraid to grieve, and don't be afraid to lean on others. You need to realize you are not a burden to others and others want to help you but aren't sure quite how to unless you tell them. It took me years of holding stuff in to realize this. I never wanted people to pity me, and I never told new friends I had a son that passed because I didn't want the " Im so sorry" stuff but all I was doing was erasing Robbies brief stay here. Now I tell people all the time and I celebrate the fact that although he was only here 2 months with me, I had a beautiful son and he is waiting for me on the other side. As for the faith part Im not the best person to advise anyone on that. I turned my back on God for years because of my anger and the why me's. I have come back around some but still question a lot of my own beliefs and what I was taught and I am still trying to figure out my faith. Hang in there honey and keep blogging :)

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Thanks for taking the time to comment...all thoughts and critiques are welcome...xoxoxo