Sunday, December 24, 2006


Tomorrow is Christmas. It has been 1 month and 2 days since Denise died. I wonder if this is the way I will tell time now. It has been ___days since Denise died. It has been ____months since Denise died. Today has been rough. I have cried more today than since the days following her death. I am hoping that means tomorrow I can hold it together. I feel the need to be strong for the family. It is going to be so weird with out her. Her laughter, her smile, her bragging that her present was better then yours. It is so unfair. She was a beautiful caring person and I don't care why she is gone. I don't care about the reasons or God's reasons. All I know is I want her here with me. With us. I miss her so much. I don't want to be the only one left. I'm so sorry I didn't appreciate her while she was here. Does she know how much I love her? Was she scared? Did she know she was going to die? Was Jesus there to make her transition painless? so many questions and no answers. I hate that. I don't think I can except that. Merry Christmas sweetheart. I love you and miss you.

Thursday, December 14, 2006


I remember every year my Dad would take us to see Santa at Knott's Berry Farm. We would go to Knott's cause they would truck in real snow and that was a big deal back then. I would always ask for dolls. Baby dolls, Barbie dolls, Ragaddy Ann dolls. Denise would always ask for action things. Bikes, wagons, roller skates.
One year, Denise was sick, but had to go see Santa. We go to Knott's, stand in line, and when we get to Santa, she vomits all over him. We were so embarrased. He was very nice, get's up to clean himself off, and Denise starts to cry that she didn't get to tell Santa what she wanted. He came back and let her tell him. I always remembered that because he was so kind to a little girl who just wanted to tell Santa her heart's desire.
She asked for a *big girl's* bike. Santa delivered