Sunday, December 24, 2006


Tomorrow is Christmas. It has been 1 month and 2 days since Denise died. I wonder if this is the way I will tell time now. It has been ___days since Denise died. It has been ____months since Denise died. Today has been rough. I have cried more today than since the days following her death. I am hoping that means tomorrow I can hold it together. I feel the need to be strong for the family. It is going to be so weird with out her. Her laughter, her smile, her bragging that her present was better then yours. It is so unfair. She was a beautiful caring person and I don't care why she is gone. I don't care about the reasons or God's reasons. All I know is I want her here with me. With us. I miss her so much. I don't want to be the only one left. I'm so sorry I didn't appreciate her while she was here. Does she know how much I love her? Was she scared? Did she know she was going to die? Was Jesus there to make her transition painless? so many questions and no answers. I hate that. I don't think I can except that. Merry Christmas sweetheart. I love you and miss you.

Thursday, December 14, 2006


I remember every year my Dad would take us to see Santa at Knott's Berry Farm. We would go to Knott's cause they would truck in real snow and that was a big deal back then. I would always ask for dolls. Baby dolls, Barbie dolls, Ragaddy Ann dolls. Denise would always ask for action things. Bikes, wagons, roller skates.
One year, Denise was sick, but had to go see Santa. We go to Knott's, stand in line, and when we get to Santa, she vomits all over him. We were so embarrased. He was very nice, get's up to clean himself off, and Denise starts to cry that she didn't get to tell Santa what she wanted. He came back and let her tell him. I always remembered that because he was so kind to a little girl who just wanted to tell Santa her heart's desire.
She asked for a *big girl's* bike. Santa delivered

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

one week

It has been one week since my sister died. I am so sad. I can't believe I will never see her again, never hear her laugh, see her crazy smile. She was always so happy and outgoing. I was jealous of her sometimes casue she had a "who cares" attitude toward life. Things that would upset me or make me crazy, she just let roll off her back. I do know I will be glad after Saturday and the Memorial service is over. Things need to be completed. We have heard amazing things from people who knew her, who loved her as much as we did. We always knew Denise was an amazing, giving person, but it has been so nice to have that confirmed. We had to call the mortuaury and have them set up more chairs for the amount of people who have said they want to be their. Anyway, I keep going. Can't do much else, and the alternative is unexceptable.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

My sister, Denise

This is the last picture I have of my sister, Denise. It was taken Sept. 16, 2006, after my cousin Donnie's wedding. That is her goddaughter, Christina with her. This is her last picture because my beautiful sister is gone. She passed away on Nov. 22, 2006 of an apparent heart attack. She was 34 years old. I am devestated. She was supposed to be around so we could grow old together. She was supposed to be around to help as our parents get older. She was supposed to be around when my son had kids to be a 2nd Granny. She was not supposed to die this way. She was not supposed to leave so soon. So many people loved her and she helped so many people. I do not know what was so important that God needed her so soon, but it had better be good. She was very much needed here, with us, with me. We saw the body for the last time today, Tues. she will be creamated. We are not sure this is what she wanted, but who thinks of things like this at such a young age. I think she is OK with it. I am going to miss her more than I can imagine. Rest in peace my sweet angel, and don't worry, I'll do the best I can. Love you always, Evelyn

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Britany Spears

I just logged on to AOL and found this as the "top" news story. Britany Spears to divorce Kevin Federline. WHAT???? This is an election day. Key elements in our democratic proccess are being decided today and Britany Spears is the big headline??? I realize we are in a society that worships celebrities and that we all live vicariously through these people, but come on!!! This is why there is such apathy and non commitment to real issues in this country. I know I'm not the upmost authority to the issues at hand, but I do make an effort to keep up to date on the issues and make an informed decision. I am just amazed at what we consider news anymore.

little red dress

This is my goal dress. This weekend, I will be buying this dress in a size 18. I will wear it next year, Novemember 4th, 2007, for my 24 wedding anniversary. There are two reasons for this, one is personal, and one is mental. If I have a gaol to look forward too, I will be more motivated to achieve it. How will I accomplish this? 1) Eating right. I have decided not to "diet" but to watch my food intake, portions, and mindless eating. I will replace food with non edible things and hobbies that I like to do. 2) I acknowledge the fact that I will have to exersice. I will have to get up a little earlier to accomplish this. I may even go to a gym, I'm not sure yet. 3) I will not let stress and emotions get the best of me. This dress is for me. I will not let external forces derail me from my objective.

Thursday, November 02, 2006


Halloween at my house was weird this year. We got 8 kids. That is it, 8. This is not good news for someone on a diet who has no control over candy, LOL!! I made my son put the bowl in his room, kinda a out of sight, outa mind thing. I don't know why we didn't get any kids. We put out a pumpkin and everything. Oh well. It only reafirms my belief that Halloween is not a real holiday. I used to hate going trick or treating, getting dress up and the whole thing. My favorite halloween was one where I din;t even go out trick or treating. My parents were redecorating the kitchen and my Uncle Ken and Rene and Tex were there and they made homemade doughnuts, brownies, apple cider and popcorn and it was great. Lots of laughter, jokes, and just a good time. It is one of my favorite memories.

Thursday, October 26, 2006


I have an accoount with myspace. I would use this to keep up with friends and family and to post some of my writing. For about the last month, everytime I post a blog, after I hit post, all I get is a blank page with a number in the corner. When you hit back on your browser, you lose the information you just put in there. It is frustrating to say the least. So now I will be using this site and we'll see if anyone shows up from Myspace. The writing is for me, but I'll admit it is nice to hear positive things from people you care about.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

South Beach Diet

These are some of the people from the SBD board. They have become like my second family. This week I found out that one of them has passed away. Bev was a young 50 years old, was just having success on the diet, had found the love of her life, Robert, and was making a good life for herself. She found out she had pancreatic cancer about 5 months ago, and passed away on Oct. 8, 2006.

This has shown me that now is the time to live. Not tomorrow, not when I lose the weight, not when there is more time. NOW! You never know what is going to happen tomorrow, when there will be no more time left. I could cry thinking of all the time I have wasted in my 41 years. NOW is the time to do something.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

New here

I've decided to start a blog here because the blog on Myspace will not work and I am tired of losing what I write. I also have blogs on Aol, and think it would be easier and simpler to have everything in one spot.