Wednesday, June 29, 2011

signs...

So those of you who know me know this history, but for new friends that have come by, this is a little background...in 2006, my sister Denise passed away. In 2008, my Mom and a year ago Sunday, my Daddy went to be with them also.
 I have been very rstless the last couple of weeks because the next couple of months I have a lot of important dates to get through, birthdays and such, of people no longer with me. Combine that with the fact that I have the ashes of 3 people to disperse, as per their wishes, but have found myself unwilling to let go. The original plan was to disperse the ashes this year on the 1 year anniversary of Daddy's death, but I got so upset, I decided not to do it. 
Sunday morning, Hubby and I were both up and awake at 5:30 in the morning. We decided to take a drive down to Redondo Beach.  It was very spur-of-the-moment.  I love the beach there...it calms me down...I feel like I can take a deep breathe and let go...like the ocean breeze is breathing new life into me.   We got there by 8:30-8:45 AM. The pier at Redondo is a horseshoe, so we started up the left side, the only business open was the food shack so we got some Hot Chocolate and walked to the end of the pier. You can fish off of the left side of the pier, so we watched the people fishing for a while and then walked a little more to the right and found a bench. I could sit there forever, watching the sailboats in the water, listening to the sea gulls and the sea lions talking, hearing the bell of the buoy. I saw something in the water infront of us and got up and walked to the rail to get a better look. All of a sudden, 2 dolphins jump up out of the water. I was amazed. All the times we've gone there, I have only seen a dolphin once or twice and never two. I thought to myself, wouldn't it be cool if there were another one and it could be a sign that my 3 angels are together and I could let go. As soon as I thought it, there they were again, with a littler dolphin. 3 Dolphins right there in front of us. Then, they were gone. I looked at Hubby and said it's a sign.

I really believe, deep in my heart, that God put those dolphins there for a reason.  If you know me well, you know that i love and collect dolphins, so they have a special meaning for me.  I wish I could describe the sense of peace that I felt after seeing those dolphins.  It was a sense of stillnes and warmth and a calmness of my soul. They are together, they are happy, and they are near. 
Let me say this...I am a christain, I believe in God, I pray, I try to be compassionate to people. I KNOW that my Loved ones are in Heaven with their Maker. I also feel like God knows when we need a little nudge to renew our faith or just give us a little hope. I am taking this as a sign that they are together, happy and well and that it is time for me to be at peace with it and start to move on and live again. That doesn't mean I will ever forget them, cause that will never happen...and it doesn't mean I have to be happy with it, cause I'm not. It just means that I have accepted it. It just means that at last, for the first time since November of 2006 I feel some peace.  I feel some real hope that I can move past this and get on with living, that I can finally start to think of them with joy instead of this overwhelming sadness.







.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

I have actually done some scrapbooking!!!!

I know it's hard to believe...first 2 posts 2 days in a row...and I actually created something!!  My BFF's (my cousin and her daughter) have started getting together once a week for a "crafting" day.  Tomorrow will be week 4.  I love it.  I get to see the girls, the kids get to play and we get to create and chat and have fun.  It has been really nice and I hope we are starting a new tradition!!  I thought I would show you some of the pages I have done.
 This is Rosie playing with bubbles...

                                                    This is her Daddy and Me page...

                                                    This is her first trip to Disney...


                                                     With her Grandpa...
and with Great Grandpa before he passed...

So tomorrow we're off again and I'll have more pages to post later...

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Thankful...

Please pray for all the people affected by the tornados in the mid-west...I can not imagine what they are living through out there.  Makes me very grateful and thankful that my family is safe and sound tonight and I realize that I may have problems, but they are very, very small compared  to what these poor people are having to deal with...
(picture added from ABC news.)

Friday, April 08, 2011

Growing up...

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."
~~E.E. Cummings

I saw this quote the other day and it really resonated with me.  I think when we are kids, you just assume that at a certain age...18 or 21 or 23...you are automatically "grown up" and all of a sudden, you will start acting and thinking as an adult.  You will know what your purpose is, how your life will turn out, what you will contribute to society.  I am 45 years old and I am admitting publically that I have never had that kind of clarity.  I remember in high school, people asking "what do you want to be?" or "What are you gonna study in college?".  I NEVER knew the answer to those questions.  I had no idea what kind of career I wanted, where my passions lay, how I was gonna take care of myself.  I have to admit, it scared me, not having any answers.
At this stage of my life, you would think I'd have answers.  I do not.  And I need to find some.  At 18, I thought I was supposed to be a wife.  So I got married.  27 years later...I'm not such a good wife.  At 20 I thought I was supposed to be a Mom.  So I had my wonderful son.  I am a good Mom...but my son is 25 and a Daddy himself.  Not much to do on my end.  At 25 I thought I was supposed to be a manager.  So I accepted a unit manager job at my place of business.  At first I was a good manager, but years and years of 60-65 hour work weeks, never seeing my family, and the stress of being on-call 24/7 really got to me.  So after being on disability for a year, I quit.  The thought of going back into that stressful environment made me cry...literally.  So...here we are.  I am 45 yrs old and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  I don't know who I really am...and I am not convinced I have the required courage it will take to find out. 
Trying to find out who I am would not only affect me, but those around me.  I'm not sure I am willing to reek that kind of havok on my family.  OK, let's be honest...we are really only talking about one person here.  My hubby.  He is exacting and demanding and set in his ways.  He sees and treats me like a child and for years i let him.  It was reassuring and I didn't have to make decisions about anything.  He handled it all.  And I liked that...then.  Now I just feel smouthered.  I feel like he sucks all of the air out of me.  I hate feeling this way.  I also feel like it's not fair to change the rules in the middle of the game, per say.  It would throw him into a tailspin to start making changes.  I think if I were more happy with myself, then I would be more happy in the relationship. 
So I guess that all I need to figure out is how to become who I really am, find the courage to make that a reality, and try to do it as painlessly as possible. 
Oh...that's all...

Sunday, April 03, 2011

Sunday Morning

So it's Sunday Morning...way to early for me to be up, but seeing as I slept all day yesterday, I can understand why my body said enough with the sleep.  I got sick again Friday night...but thankfully it seemes to have been a 24 hr. bug.  I feel great this morning. 
I've been trying to figure out how I'm gonna spend my day here...it's supposed to be cloudy and a little cold here and Hubby is still in Oakland for work.  My Son and his family went to Disneyland yesterday and stayed till closing, so I don't expect to hear from them until later today, if at all.  So, I will be here all by myself. 
The first thing I have to do is clean up a little.  The front room and the kitchen are a disaster.  Then I need to go run some errands.  Then hopefully, I will have all afternoon to play with the goodies I just got yesterday from Christy Tomlinson's shop.  I bought some stamps, some rub-ons, some great tissue paper, and paper pad, and some lace. 
I really love her class She Art Workshop and can't wait for the art journaling class that starts in May. 
So I guess I will get off here and start getting ready for my day.  Hope you all have a great productive Sunday...
The cross on Mt. Roubidoux, Riverside, California

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

something new...

Well, I know it's been a while...but hopefully it was worth the wait...I finally have some new art to post.  I signed up for Christy Tomlinson's She Art Workshop and then promptly became really sick.  The workshop lasted 3 weeks and I missed it all.  Luckily she is leaving the videos up for 3 months so I can still catch up.  This week I watched week one videos.  I didn't go really crazy on the background as she shows for two reason.  One:  I was really conservative on the rub ons and stamps I bought, not knowing how easy they would be to use.  Two:  I was scared to over do it.  So, I have ordered some more rub ons and stamps because I love using them.  I'm still afaid to over do it, but if I do, oh well...
So this is what I created.  It is in honor of my sister, Denise.  She loved butterflies, ladybugs and the color purple.  I like it, although it doesn't feel quite "finished". 
 This is the far view...

This is the close-up view...
I have many ideas for more girls...I need to buy more canvases!!

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

sick

To all my blogger friends...I am still here...I am just very sick.  It started as a sinus infection that had made it's way down into my jaw, so the whole left side of my face is KILING me.  My ear hurts, my teeth hurt, my throat huts.  Now the Dr. thinks I have pnuemonia.  I can barely breathe and I am hacking up a lung.  I got some meds, so hopefully I'll start feeling better in a day or two.